Think he was just a wee bit 2 honest. ( long, sorry)

coolcait

As a general point, I fully accept the idea that someone will only lose weight if/when that's what they want to do.

The converse of that is that the efforts of partners, friends and family - no matter how supportive they are - are worth nothing if the overweight/obese person is not willing, or able (for whatever reason), to seriously try to lose the weight.

So, I am very hesitant to accept criticism of those partners, friends, family at face value. Is it the case that they are unsupportive? Is it the case that they have offered support unflinchingly and unstintingly over the months, or longer, but had a wobbly moment when they expressed their own fears?

It's hard to tell when we only have one side of the story.

I know that a former workmate stopped talking to me because I criticised her during her weight loss. She had told me how her sister was being unsupportive. How her sister had cried, and said how she didn't want to lose my workmate.

I agreed with her sister. Like her sister, I felt that - given that the doctors had told my workmate that she would be dead by the time she was forty, unless she changed her diet - then I found it very difficult to watch her ignore their advice, and continue to eat in a way which would send her to an early grave.

If I felt that way, I wondered out loud, how much more difficult was it for her sister to watch?

After that 'criticism', I was no longer allowed into the workmate's inner circle.

I'm not totally in agreement with the idea that partners etc should change their lifestyles in order to demonstrate 'supportiveness'. I can see how it is difficult to resist a huge portion of food yourself if you're watching someone else eating one. But isn't that part of the re-learning process? One which recovering alcoholics and smokers also have to go through?

OK, so you get your friends and family to subsist on the same rations as you, and you encourage/coerce them into exercising with you.

What happens when you eat out in company with people who want to eat more than you? You'll find that scenario a lot easier if you've learnt to control your own portion sizes, irrespective of what the people around you are eating.

I could do with dropping a few pounds (there's that understatement again). If they were in sterling, you'd have found the cure for the economy .

However, my OH has serious medical issues of his own. He has been advised to 'take it easy' by the the doctors, so he can't really keep me company when I exercise.

His metabolism is miles faster than mine, so he can't reasonably eat portions as small as mine.

What he can do is monitor my intake of - say - danish pastries, and shout 'Oi!' when necessary. Yes, I bristle - but if I don't have the sodding willpower to say 'no' to the wrong foods, then its quite handy to have someone who does.

I see that as 'supportive' too.

I cannot imagine how horrific it must be to know that a loved one has been told that - for health reasons - they need to lose weight, and then see them gorge themselves, or ignore the advice given by the doctors.

All I can say to the people living through that is - "it doesn't matter what you do or say, your loved one will only lose weight if/when it's right for them".

That said, I doubt if it makes it any easier for them to watch their loved one committing slow suicide.

Perhaps we shouldn't add to their burden by suggesting that the slow suicide is happening because of a 'lack of support'. Especially when that accusation doesn't sit well with assertion that the obese/overweight will only lose weight when they want to.

Snuggles

coolcait wrote: »

I'm not totally in agreement with the idea that partners etc should change their lifestyles in order to demonstrate 'supportiveness'. I can see how it is difficult to resist a huge portion of food yourself if you're watching someone else eating one. But isn't that part of the re-learning process? One which recovering alcoholics and smokers also have to go through?

OK, so you get your friends and family to subsist on the same rations as you, and you encourage/coerce them into exercising with you..

Coolcait, I'm not sure I understand where you're coming from here. My OH knows I want to lose weight and so has made the decision to try to change his lifestyle too, so that it will help me, and we will both be healthier and fitter. Not sure how you could interpret that as a negative thing? I haven't encouraged or coerced him in this, he decided for himself that he wanted to do it. Also, he is a very tall muscular man, and is hardly subsisting on rations. He has just tried to cut out rubbish from his diet, which surely we should all be doing?

coolcait wrote: »

What happens when you eat out in company with people who want to eat more than you? You'll find that scenario a lot easier if you've learnt to control your own portion sizes, irrespective of what the people around you are eating.

Well, I'm not some completely out of control glutton who just can't help but but stuff herself with food whenever I see it I wouldn't have any problem in the scenario you describe, and even if I did eat more than I should once in a while when socialising, that's not where the problem is. In fact, I would say that one of the key things I need to learn is to be able to indulge once in a while (just as most people do) without feeling guilit and all sorts of other negative emotions.

As a general point, my weight has been stable for a long time. I am not overeating in the sense that I am constantly taking in more calories than I am using up - if I was I would be gaining weight. I think some people (and I don't mean you) imagine that if you're fat you must be stuffing your face with chips and cream cakes every day, and just generally eating a ridiculous amount of food. The challenge is not simply to eat healthily and control portion sizes, it is to to eat less than your body requires for a sustained and significant period of time. I think most people who have never had a weight problem or have only ever attempted to lose a few pounds to fit into a dress or something, underestimate just how difficult that is to achieve.

coolcait wrote: »

What he can do is monitor my intake of - say - danish pastries, and shout 'Oi!' when necessary. Yes, I bristle - but if I don't have the sodding willpower to say 'no' to the wrong foods, then its quite handy to have someone who does.

I see that as 'supportive' too..

Yes, it is supportive if it works for you.

coolcait wrote: »

Perhaps we shouldn't add to their burden by suggesting that the slow suicide is happening because of a 'lack of support'. Especially when that accusation doesn't sit well with assertion that the obese/overweight will only lose weight when they want to.

I'm not sure anyone has suggested that? If a person fails to lose weight that is entirely down to them and no one else. I intend to lose weight, whether my OH chooses to "support" me or not. The issue here was whether the OP's ex's actions were a clumsy attempt at some kind of support, or whether he simply wanted out of the relationship. I don't think anyone has said that the OP's weight problem was happening because her ex didn't support her.

Person_one

My ex, very early on in our relationship told me that if I gained weight he would probably not be attracted to me anymore and might consider ending the relationship. I was a bit perturbed but didn't really think too much of it as I didn't plan on gaining weight.

However, he turned out to be thoroughly selfish, self centred and very shallow, he only cared for me as long as I fit perfectly into his expectations and desires. I got quite insecure and was much happier with my body and more confident when I was single than when I was with somebody who supposedly loved and desired me, because I knew how conditional it was!

I truly believe that that early comment was a warning sign, and wish I'd figured it out there and then and saved myself a lot of hassle. Once you fall for someone, nothing about the way you look could make you stop loving them, whether it be weight, a disfigurement of some sort, going bald, becoming disabled etc. Yes you can be concerned about their wellbeing but that comes from a place of love and care not from a selfish place of wanting them to be prettier or 'turn you on'.

OP, he didn't love you and you deserve to be with someone who does, even if that turns out to be yourself. I'm much happier each and every day on my own than with the ex.

Pixiechic

Hi,

I do have sympathy for overweight people as food is obviously a vice with emotions attached. It may not be easy but it isn't impossible to lose weight.

At this present time, in my opinion, whether or not the OP's ex said what he said with the intent to be supportive or nasty. The issue still stands, with him or without him, she needs to lose weight.

I just think that it is such a shame that her weight is going to stand between her and a man that she cared very much for. Her weight is potentially going to stand in the way of her having a child. Her weight will continue to be a problem in most, if not all aspects of her life until she sorts it out.

It is a bit like self sabotage. OP, focus on you and your health. Do it for yourself and get the support you need from the doctor.

You can do it and you owe it to yourself to look after the body that you are in.

Snuggles

Pixiechic wrote: »

Hi,

I do have sympathy for overweight people as food is obviously a vice with emotions attached. It may not be easy but it isn't impossible to lose weight.

You're right, it's not impossible, but it is very, very hard to achieve and maintain. I can't remember the exact figure, but around 90% of people who lose weight put it back on again, which is such a depressing statistic And this, despite the fact that there is help out there, and a multi-million pound industry making money from people who are desperate to lose weight. I don't understand myself why it is so hard.

Pixiechic wrote: »

At this present time, in my opinion, whether or not the OP's ex said what he said with the intent to be supportive or nasty. The issue still stands, with him or without him, she needs to lose weight.

Absolutely, but I'm sure she will be well aware of that. It just goes to show hard it is, that even knowing it could prevent her having a child, she hasn't managed to tackle it. Maybe this experience will be a turning point for her, I hope so.

an1179

Overweight/ smokers or giving up any other habit.

Do it for yourself NOT other people. Your motivation comes from within. You have to want to do it. I know I have been there - and BTW I have done it eventually.

Do it for other people then when it's done they look for something else about you they don't like/want you to change.

richardw

Mrss wrote: »

Do it for yourself - not anyone else.

Exactly................

Principia_2

Youdontseeme wrote: »

I think the difference is that if you smoke, drink or do drugs while giving up is bloody hard it it can be done but it wont kill you if you stop.

You can not give up food, it is something you have to learn to control which I believe is much more difficult than simply stopping.

I'm afraid I don't buy into that argument - if you look at alcohol - you can't give up drinking but you do have to give up drinking alcohol. With food you can't give up eating but you can give up eating certain types of food.

Even with drugs - there are loads of mood altering substances that most of us use that are perfectly legal - caffeine, some of the things in chocolate, even sugar a drug addict gives up their drug of choice but almost certainly will continue to use other substances just like the rest of us.

Glad

It's great that people are now giving the OP support on weight loss and exercise

For anyone trying to lose weight or change their diet we already have the following threads on MSE

Slimming World support

Low-carb diets support thread

The General Diet & Emotional Support Thread

Couch to 5k Running - Part Three

Weight Watchers Support Thread

Baby Weight Shifting Club

Cambridge Diet part II

Cheap gyms deals discussion

The Great 'Home Exercise' Hunt

I wanna lose weight

Murphys No More Pies Club, Part 6. The Pie Dodgers Strike Back.

MSE Exercise and Fitness chat 5

all of the above are established support threads on MSE, if anyone does wish to join in with any of them please keep on topic

thanks

Glad