Think he was just a wee bit 2 honest. ( long, sorry)

POPPYOSCAR

Snuggles wrote: »

Oh for goodness sake. I didn't call you a name, I don't know you. I said you wrote a nasty post.

I hope you don't find youself one day being judged for having a problem most people don't understand, as I wouldn't wish it on anyone.

I'll be taking Poppy's advice and making no further response to you.

Yes I just looked back over the posts thought I'd missed something but I couldn't find any name calling.

Snuggles

Fang wrote: »

I'm sorry but she's right. The only thing that is stopping you from losing weight is yourself. You should take responsibility for your actions and not seek to lay blame in childhood. You're an adult (apparently) so act like one.

I'm not trying to blame anyone or anything for my weight problem. I know full well that I'm the only person who can change it. What I was trying to say is that it's not a simple or easy thing to do when your relationship with food is bound up with emotional issues, and being judged and criticised is no help whatsoever.

If you can't understand that, then so be it.

Fang_3

Snuggles wrote: »

I'm not trying to blame anyone or anything for my weight problem. I know full well that I'm the only person who can change it. What I was trying to say is that it's not a simple or easy thing to do when your relationship with food is bound up with emotional issues, and being judged and criticised is no help whatsoever.

If you can't understand that, then so be it.

You certainly give the impression that you are in this post -

Snuggles wrote: »

I was an overweight child, and it has affected all aspects of my life. I was the one who got picked on and called names at school, and who, from the age of 11 onwards, regularly contemplated suicide. The more miserable my existence became, the more I turned to food to fill the void and try to take away the pain and loneliness I experienced throughout my childhood. The emotional and psychological effects are long lasting, and twenty years later, I still battle with my weight, and it is still a very emotional and painful issue for me.

If you think that "berating" me will help in any way, I am glad you are not my friend.

The point that Loopy Girl was making is that there is a wealth of help available to you to allow you to do that, but many don't even bother trying and instead make out like being fat is some sort of disease. It's not. It's easily controlled by not over-eating and by taking regular exercise.

Magpye

If your weight was easily controlled, and as simple as 'calories in, calories out' (and scientists are only beginning to understand the homeostatic mechanisms which cause weight gain/loss/retention) - then no-one would be fat. Absolutely no-one. Because no-one would choose to put themselves in a position which makes them vulnerable to the kind of blinkered hatred which fat seems to induce.

Pixiechic

snuggles - To answer your question, no, I never have been overweight.

The point is that yes, many have 'reasons' that they are overweight but that does not change the main issue. The OP is moridly obese and at 43 with high blood pressure, her ex was right to try to encourage her to lose weight as she agreed that she would.

Her doctor has advised and I will repeat the definition of morbidly obese-

Main Entry: morbid obesity Part of Speech: n Definition: a state of overweight so great that it prevents normal activity or bodily function and will likely cause a serious or life-threatening disorder Example: Weighing two or three times a recommended weight would be deemed morbid obesity.

The changes need to start now. He upset the OP because he was honest about how he felt. Bottom line is that she has to lose weight and with all the help the doctor can give. Therapy, dietitian, exercise, clubs, groups, why not do something about it?

That is the choice, not moaning because society won't accept it. No one can do this for you, you have to put the effort in to change.

POPPYOSCAR

Pixiechic wrote: »

snuggles - To answer your question, no, I never have been overweight.

The point is that yes, many have 'reasons' that they are overweight but that does not change the main issue. The OP is moridly obese and at 43 with high blood pressure, her ex was right to try to encourage her to lose weight as she agreed that she would.

Her doctor has advised and I will repeat the definition of morbidly obese-

Main Entry: morbid obesity Part of Speech: n Definition: a state of overweight so great that it prevents normal activity or bodily function and will likely cause a serious or life-threatening disorder Example: Weighing two or three times a recommended weight would be deemed morbid obesity.

The changes need to start now. He upset the OP because he was honest about how he felt. Bottom line is that she has to lose weight and with all the help the doctor can give. Therapy, dietitian, exercise, clubs, groups, why not do something about it?

That is the choice, not moaning because society won't accept it. No one can do this for you, you have to put the effort in to change.

And you think 'encouragement' is telling someone that if they don't lose weight they will find someone else?

Not in my book it isn't and that is not love either.

Snuggles

Fang wrote: »

You certainly give the impression that you are in this post -

Well it wasn't my intention, I was stating the facts about how my dysfunctional relationship with food started. I was trying to point out that there are complex issues behind being overweight, and that berating people for it just isn't helpful. I don't feel sorry for myself about my weight, I feel angry and disappointed with myself for failing to tackle the problem.

Fang wrote: »

The point that Loopy Girl was making is that there is a wealth of help available to you to allow you to do that, but many don't even bother trying and instead make out like being fat is some sort of disease. It's not. It's easily controlled by not over-eating and by taking regular exercise.

I'm not sure people do try to make out that it's some sort of disease, I certainly don't think that. I know that I got fat because I ate too much, and that if I simply stop eating too much, I will lose weight (which I am doing by the way, as I mentioned in an earlier post). But every fat person knows that, and that's what I was trying to say - it sounds simple, but it isn't, for reasons that I don't even fully understand myself.

I think it's one of the worst things about being fat, you know the answer and it is entirely in your hands, and you desperately want to lose the weight, yet there are times you just cannot seem to stop yourself from eating the wrong things, so you feel like a failure, you get down on yourself, and you then start eating crap for emotional reasons. I have been to countless weight loss groups, joined gyms etc, but still my weight is a problem because I fail over and over again.

I will keep trying though, and one day I hope I will crack it. I will never accept being fat, it isn't healthy, and it isn't how I want to be.

Snuggles

Pixiechic wrote: »

snuggles - To answer your question, no, I never have been overweight.

Then I am jealous but glad for you! And perhaps you might accept that as you have never been there, you don't know what it's like, and why it is so hard to tackle the problem.

Pixiechic wrote: »

The point is that yes, many have 'reasons' that they are overweight but that does not change the main issue. The OP is moridly obese and at 43 with high blood pressure, her ex was right to try to encourage her to lose weight as she agreed that she would..

Encouragement and support is to be applauded, but I genuinely don't understand how you could interpret his actions as encouragement. I can't speak for the OP, but I hate myself for being fat, and I hate myself for failing every time I try to tackle it. (Actually I managed to lose five stones once and reached a healthy weight, and I hate myself even more for the fact that I got there, but couldn't maintain it). I have enough self-loathing about this issue to last me a life time. If my OH added to that by "encouraging" me in the way the OPs ex did, I would just hate myself that little bit more, which wouldn't help anyone. My OH encourages me by loving me and supporting me, and trying to help in practical ways by changing his own eating habits.

Pixiechic wrote: »

The changes need to start now. He upset the OP because he was honest about how he felt. Bottom line is that she has to lose weight and with all the help the doctor can give. Therapy, dietitian, exercise, clubs, groups, why not do something about it?

That is the choice, not moaning because society won't accept it. No one can do this for you, you have to put the effort in to change.

I don't get this, who has said society should accept it? I certainly don't think that, in fact quite the opposite. It shouldn't be accepted as ok as it's not healthy and it can limit your quality of life and opportunities in so many ways. It is not acceptance, but a little understanding that is needed. Being constantly judged and criticised doesn't help at all.

coolcait

blushred2 wrote: »

i was too emotional after he had only been trying to 'gee' me into action.

he actually told me to go hang myself...

I'm sorry to hear that you've broken up, OP. On the face of it, your ex does appear to be manipulative, controlling and cruel. And you have had a lucky escape, if the conversation went exactly along the lines you have told us.

However, as with your previous posts, there's a possibility I would see it differently if we had the full conversation between the two of you.

For example, did he actually tell you to go hang yourself (in the sense of "go put a noose round your neck")? Or did he tell you to "go hang" (in the sense of "you're of no further interest to me")?

Or, was he reminding you of the health issues which your obesity brings with it? Making the point that you are eating yourself to death, and that if you don't get the eating under control, you might as well go hang yourself (in the sense of "what you're doing to yourself is a kind of suicide, as is hanging yourself").

Those are just three interpretations of the one phrase. There might be others.

He said you were "too emotional" when he had just been trying to "gee you up". From your posts, you were emotional about it. How did you express those emotions to him? Tears? Rants? Level-headed-but-hurt-explanation?

We don't know what - if anything - triggered his 'speech' the other night. We don't even know if it was a 'speech' or a conversation (though you did mention you were having a chat). We don't know what you said to him that night, or during the conversation when he said you were too emotional, and which ended with the relationship breaking up.

Yet, the finger of blame is being firmly pointed at him. Maybe that's where it deserves to be pointed. Maybe it's not.

Here's a story for you. When I was pregnant with my first child, I was taken in for tests because gestational diabetes was suspected. My OH told me that it was irresponsible of me, that I was putting our baby's health at risk, and that he couldn't be with me.

What a bar steward, eh?

The whole story runs:

I went for a routine check up and was told my blood sugar levels were up. I was questioned abut my diet, and told them all about the healthy, high in iron foods I was eating, and confessed to occasionally eating Danish pastries. They told me to come back the very next morning, and let the testing commence.

I told OH, who was obviously worried about me and the baby. However, when we got to talking about the Danish pastries, the conversation ran thus:

Him: but you had six danish pastries yesterday! And four or five the day before! And before that! That's not 'occasional'!

Me (huffily): Well, I didn't know you were counting!!!

Him: I don't care how many Danish pastries you eat - as long as you're happy and healthy. But if your sugar levels are high, you need to be honest about what you're eating. It's irresponsible of you to gloss over it by saying 'occasional danish pastry'! You need to be completely honest with the doctors and midwives. If you're not, they won't know what's wrong with you.

Me (huffy and defensive): There's nothing wrong with me!

Him:OK, so try this, if you won't do it for yourself. You're putting our baby's health at risk if you're not completely honest with them.

Me (still huffy and defensive): Oh, so you're a doctor now?!

Him: No! And neither are you! That's why you have to tell them exactly what you've been eating. So that they can tell you if there's a problem or not. I know you care too much about our baby to do anything that would hurt it. I know you're a good person. If you weren't, then I couldn't be with you. But you have to stop being so bloody stubborn and tell them what you're eating - even if they laugh about it. And if it's OK for you to eat danish pastries, I'll buy you ten a day if you want! Just find out what the doctor says...

Not a word of a lie in the summary. But the whole story paints a very different picture.

As I said before, OP, you know exactly what was said - on both sides - so you are best placed to judge exactly what happened between you and your bf.

Leaving the relationship aside, you have been given lots of good advice and support in continuing with your weight loss, so I hope you draw some positive help from that.

good luck!

sabretoothtigger

Food is fine if you exercise just as much. Generally you cant eat while exercising so it helps double fold. Try swimming, just walking in a pool should burn alot I think. I'd never jog or anything - way too much trouble

Mostly food goes back to how you were brought up I think so its a hard habit to break.
I think a simple tip is to only take half as much as you might want total as to lose weight you have to use more calories then you take in. Just having to get back up to get another serving makes it more effort for the calories, its the small things that add up