We’d like to remind Forumites to please avoid political debate on the Forum.
This is to keep it a safe and useful space for MoneySaving discussions. Threads that are – or become – political in nature may be removed in line with the Forum’s rules. Thank you for your understanding.
📨 Have you signed up to the Forum's new Email Digest yet? Get a selection of trending threads sent straight to your inbox daily, weekly or monthly!
Think he was just a wee bit 2 honest. ( long, sorry)
Comments
-
I'm sitting at work, trying really hard to think about the pile of work in front of me.
But all i can think about is a chat i had with b/friend last night.
A little background. I'm just over 40, no kids, never been married.
overweight by about 5 stone ( morbidly obese according to doc)
female with high blood pressure.
been seeing this lovely guy for about 6 months. he's recently divorced with a child.
He had a bit to drink by the time he called last night, and said he
felt it was time he laid his cards.
He said he felt like Shallow Hal for saying it, but i was too fat.
and if i wanted to continue seeing him and have a future with him that i needed to loose weight... a lot of weight !
He said it would make him proud if i lost the weight, i'd be more desirable. And in a better shape to have kids... something we would both like.
According to him, i wasn't his normal type, but that he had been drawn by my personality, kindness, pretty face etc.
And yes i know that i need to lose a lot of weight
But felt somehow he was just a bit too honest.
My doctor has advised me to loose weight, and i've started walking more and i can be so good, then i get annoyed or upset and comfort eat !!
He said that if i didn't slim down then he would have to find someone else as he could not see us being together if i wasn't willing to make the effort.
A case of shape up or ship out.
Yes its made me detirmined to succeed, but also a little sad that
he was so to the point
I know that honest is important, and i should respect him.
but also feel like i've been kicked in the teeth.
My head is all over the place. I love this guy.
Please no fat bashing !!!!
And whats this got to do with money saving, well i'll be trying to do this in a way thats not going to cost me a lot of money.
increased walking... free
old style home cooking
joing the running/ walking thread
etc etc
I don't see how this relationship can survive. He has a deep rooted dislike of 'overweightness'. You are overweight. He cannot overlook this - the rest of it isn't enough to 'make up' for the weight issue.
You could lose the weight, but you will be forever on the scales, worrying about a few pounds here or there. You are looking at a lifetime of 'living up to' his preferences.0 -
I'm sitting at work, trying really hard to think about the pile of work in front of me.
But all i can think about is a chat i had with b/friend last night.
A little background. I'm just over 40, no kids, never been married.
overweight by about 5 stone ( morbidly obese according to doc)
female with high blood pressure.
been seeing this lovely guy for about 6 months. he's recently divorced with a child.
He had a bit to drink by the time he called last night, and said he
felt it was time he laid his cards.
He said he felt like Shallow Hal for saying it, but i was too fat.
and if i wanted to continue seeing him and have a future with him that i needed to loose weight... a lot of weight !
He said it would make him proud if i lost the weight, i'd be more desirable. And in a better shape to have kids... something we would both like.
According to him, i wasn't his normal type, but that he had been drawn by my personality, kindness, pretty face etc.
And yes i know that i need to lose a lot of weight
But felt somehow he was just a bit too honest.
My doctor has advised me to loose weight, and i've started walking more and i can be so good, then i get annoyed or upset and comfort eat !!
He said that if i didn't slim down then he would have to find someone else as he could not see us being together if i wasn't willing to make the effort.
A case of shape up or ship out.
Yes its made me detirmined to succeed, but also a little sad that
he was so to the point
I know that honest is important, and i should respect him.
but also feel like i've been kicked in the teeth.
My head is all over the place. I love this guy.
Please no fat bashing !!!!
And whats this got to do with money saving, well i'll be trying to do this in a way thats not going to cost me a lot of money.
increased walking... free
old style home cooking
joing the running/ walking thread
etc etc
Lets put this into perspective, I am the first to admit that I am not attracted to fat women, I make no apologies for it, its just my personal preference.
However, to this end I would not enter into a relationship with a fat women in the first instance, to enter into one and then state that you find them physically unattractive is just not on.
One suspects he would be somewhat miffed if in 20 years you were to say to him 'sorry but I prefer men with more hair' or 'you seem to be getting a bit of a paunch, I'm off'
I suspect he see's himself as something of a male adonis and wants a trophy girlfriend on his arm.
Lose weight if you feel it would be beneficial to you, however to do it at the behest of a man who clearly feels embarrassed to be seen with you (whichever way he wishes to word it this is the case) is not really an option.
Conversely analyse your boyfriend, see what faults he has and offer a quid pro quo
0 -
PLEASE would people read the thread properly before commenting?
Posts 174 and 175 are not relevant as the OP's boyfriend dumped her the following day.0 -
Loopy_Girl wrote: »I have read most of this thread and something struck me...
Lets just say the OP was a smoker and her GP had said it was really affecting her health and she needed to stop now
Boyf phones, bit lagered, and tells her that he hates the smell of smoke and thinks she would be so much better without the fags and that it's obvs much better for her health. Kinda hints that since she started 'playing around' with stopping in May he would have thought she would have done much better and that it's a bit disappointing for him.
Is it not just the same thing? It's a serious health issue and needs to be addressed
Would she still be getting the same responses that he's a cad etc etc
As I say...just curious
I don't think it is the same thing. Smoking is something you do, being overweight is something you are. If you have battled with your weight your entire life (and it is a horrible, confidence-destroying, psychological battle which affects every aspect of your life), it is very much part of who you are. If someone says they don't like your weight, it feels like they are saying they don't like you as a person, not that they simply don't like a habit you have, such as smoking. I don't know if I've expressed that very well, but as an overweight person myself, I think that's the difference.
The thing is, if this man loved the OP, he might want to support her for health reasons, but he wouldn't be telling her that overweight people weren't his "type". He would love her, no matter what she looked like. I think his subsequent behaviour has proved that his motives were more about himself and he was not simply acting out of concern for the OP.0 -
I don't think it is the same thing. Smoking is something you do, being overweight is something you are. If you have battled with your weight your entire life (and it is a horrible, confidence-destroying, psychological battle which affects every aspect of your life), it is very much part of who you are. If someone says they don't like your weight, it feels like they are saying they don't like you as a person, not that they simply don't like a habit you have, such as smoking. I don't know if I've expressed that very well, but as an overweight person myself, I think that's the difference.
Have to disagree here, being overweight is not necessarily what you are, it can quite easily be something you do through bad lifestyle choice, although clearly this is not always the case.
That said, it doesn't make you an unlikeable person, merely unattractive to those who do not find fat people visually attractive.
However this has the danger of turning into a 'fat bashing' thread as it always does, with people taking umbrage at percieved slights 0 -
Wow, he didn't give her much time to meet the target set :rotfl:
This was my thought - for six months he has been a lovely BF, talking about settling down and having children together. Overnight, he became a nasty person dumping blushred and telling her to "go hang herself".
On reflection, blushred, do you think you misjudged him for six months or is he so embarrassed about his drunken comments that he can't face you any more?0 -
I don't think it is the same thing. Smoking is something you do, being overweight is something you are. If you have battled with your weight your entire life (and it is a horrible, confidence-destroying, psychological battle which affects every aspect of your life), it is very much part of who you are. If someone says they don't like your weight, it feels like they are saying they don't like you as a person, not that they simply don't like a habit you have, such as smoking. I don't know if I've expressed that very well, but as an overweight person myself, I think that's the difference.
The thing is, if this man loved the OP, he might want to support her for health reasons, but he wouldn't be telling her that overweight people weren't his "type". He would love her, no matter what she looked like. I think his subsequent behaviour has proved that his motives were more about himself and he was not simply acting out of concern for the OP.
I don't agree, I am fat and a non smoker. I am fat because of something I do - I eat more calories than I burn up.
The only short term difference between fat people and smokers is that fat people 'wear' their behaviour on their bodies. Smokers too have a physical consequence of smoking but not such an obvious one (eg they tend to smell and have a slightly yellowed look - as they get older their mouths often look stitched on).
Smokers are just as much bound up with smoking as fat people are with eating - it's the nature of compulsion and habit. In fact one of the things Allan Carr tries to persuade a smoker is to consider themselves a non smoker and not an ex smoker.
Personally I would never go out with a smoker, I would not be insulted if someone didn't go out with me because they prefer thin people (or red haired women or tall women), there are lots of reasons I wouldn't go out with a guy, different sense of humour, a bit selfish or even a bit poncy (what is with men and hairgel?), I just don't happen to care much what someone looks like - doesn't make me any less shallow and fussy though.0 -
I don't think it is the same thing. Smoking is something you do, being overweight is something you are. If you have battled with your weight your entire life (and it is a horrible, confidence-destroying, psychological battle which affects every aspect of your life), it is very much part of who you are. If someone says they don't like your weight, it feels like they are saying they don't like you as a person, not that they simply don't like a habit you have, such as smoking. I don't know if I've expressed that very well, but as an overweight person myself, I think that's the difference.
The thing is, if this man loved the OP, he might want to support her for health reasons, but he wouldn't be telling her that overweight people weren't his "type". He would love her, no matter what she looked like. I think his subsequent behaviour has proved that his motives were more about himself and he was not simply acting out of concern for the OP.
I don't agree that he should have just accepted that she is dangerously overweight. How is that showing love and care?
It is simple. They had discussed having children and both wanting them. The OP said that she she would try to lose weight due to doctors advice. At 43, morbidly obese with high blood pressure, something needed to change. It didn't change all that much, OP's own admission.
What was he supposed to do? The relationship is only six months old and he wants a child. OP not shown much motivation to get healthy even after his encouragement. I suggested that maybe softer comments had fallen on deaf ears. So, he accepts the situation and ends it.
If they had not agreed to try for a baby and if OP had not agreed that she would try to get healthier then it would be different. The OP though did agree and gave the impression to other half that she would lose weight.
People don't just 'become' fat. I think it is a psychological battle and I am not saying that it is easy to overcome. I don't though consider it responsible to encourage the OP to just 'accept' it. She is morbidly obese with weight related health problems. I think that she owes it to herself to get the help that she needs to become healthier for herself. I don't know why it seems that being morbidly obese has somehow become socially acceptable. As though its 'normal' to be that way, its not.
Yes, someone can love you whole heartedly, whether or not they are physically attracted to you is an entirely different matter.
OP I wish you all the best and I hope that you do achieve your goals and that you do lose weight and be healthier. Everyone has a vice, we just have to try not to let it become too destructive. Whether it is alcohol, cigarettes, food, whatever.
Take care and he wasn't right to say hang yourself but he sounds angry. Children are not the only way to have a great life, just one avenue out of many. If you are happy how you are then fine, that's your decision. Try to find a way to love yourself though and you will be fine.0 -
I don't agree that he should have just accepted that she is dangerously overweight. How is that showing love and care?
It is simple. They had discussed having children and both wanting them. The OP said that she she would try to lose weight due to doctors advice. At 43, morbidly obese with high blood pressure, something needed to change. It didn't change all that much, OP's own admission.
What was he supposed to do? The relationship is only six months old and he wants a child. OP not shown much motivation to get healthy even after his encouragement. I suggested that maybe softer comments had fallen on deaf ears. So, he accepts the situation and ends it.
If they had not agreed to try for a baby and if OP had not agreed that she would try to get healthier then it would be different. The OP though did agree and gave the impression to other half that she would lose weight.
People don't just 'become' fat. I think it is a psychological battle and I am not saying that it is easy to overcome. I don't though consider it responsible to encourage the OP to just 'accept' it. She is morbidly obese with weight related health problems. I think that she owes it to herself to get the help that she needs to become healthier for herself. I don't know why it seems that being morbidly obese has somehow become socially acceptable. As though its 'normal' to be that way, its not.
Yes, someone can love you whole heartedly, whether or not they are physically attracted to you is an entirely different matter.
I didn't say he should just accept it, I said he could support her. Do you really think that saying to someone, lose weight or I'll find someone else is supportive, helpful, or loving? I would have slightly more sympathy with his position if he had met the OP as a slim person, and then she had put on a lot of weight. But that's not what happened.
The fact that he has ended the relationship so soon after telling her she must lose weight suggests to me she never had a chance with this man, and personally I think she's had a lucky escape.0
This discussion has been closed.
Confirm your email address to Create Threads and Reply
Categories
- All Categories
- 352.3K Banking & Borrowing
- 253.6K Reduce Debt & Boost Income
- 454.3K Spending & Discounts
- 245.3K Work, Benefits & Business
- 601.1K Mortgages, Homes & Bills
- 177.5K Life & Family
- 259.2K Travel & Transport
- 1.5M Hobbies & Leisure
- 16K Discuss & Feedback
- 37.7K Read-Only Boards