Leaving abusive relationships (merged)

margaretclare

msmicawber wrote:

I did an assertiveness course for work recently, and have found it very useful in my private life as well. An earlier poster warned against putting the ball in his court when you're speaking to him about your relationship, and that was a very good point. Think about what you want to happen now and make it very clear - you don't have to be aggressive or angry (it works better when you're not anyway). Just say what you want to happen e.g. I want you to take your things from my house and not contact me again because this relationship is over. Don't bother answering any specifics, just quietly and firmly repeat that the relationship is over, so he must take his things and go and not contact you. If he gets difficult, or threatens to, then tell him that you have no alternative but to call the police ... and do it.

Assertiveness training is meant to apply right across the board, in every area of your life, not only at work. For example, I have a good friend (met her when we both started CAB training) and I was horrified at how put-upon she was, and had been for years, by her in-laws. MIL would pick up the phone and make demands about wanting to be taken shopping, had a hospital appointment she hadn't mentioned until the last minute, just made assumptions that my friend would drop everything and run. She has learned a lot from me about how to be assertive. She's learned to say 'No - it's not convenient'. 'Why not?' 'I have other arrangements already made'. I taught her not to say 'I'm sorry' or even 'I'm afraid...' which is what we tend to do. It sounds apologetic and isn't what you say when you're assertive. Don't apologise, don't excuse, don't explain, simply state your case.

Some people start screaming, swearing and shouting a lot - that's being aggressive and in fact it weakens your position, it doesn't strengthen it. Assertiveness applies at work, in your marriage, with your in-laws, with your kids who want to take you for a ride (as this guy does with his parents, just using them as a bed for the night because it suits him) - it really does apply everywhere.

Best wishes

Margaret

msmicawber

I see that a number of posts have been joined together now, and I haven't read through the whole thing, so forgive me if I'm repeating something that has already been mentioned.

When I was wanting to get out of an abusive relationship and didn't know where to turn, I wish I'd had access to the internet. I did, however, ring the local Domestic Violence Unit at the police station (on the advice of my GP who noticed defensive wounds on my arms from being glassed and told me it was time to face up to the fact that this was DV and I had to protect my children and myself). The WPC I spoke to there was so kind and supportive, that I recommend that other women (or men) in the same situation to make that first call to the police ,to women's aid, whoever. You get practical help and advice as well as moral support.

The advice I was given for when violence suddenly flares up was to get out of the house and shout *fire*, provided I was sure that my partner wouldn't turn on the children. I was sure, and I did it, and avoided another dreadful beating. That time, he told me he was going to kill me.

It's all in the past now. I've made a new life for my children and me and they see their father regularly, but I put up with no nonsense from him now and feel like a different woman. Needless to say, now I'm stronger and independent, he doesn't dare try to even be rude to me, let alone attack me any more.

Nobody deserves to be intimidated and attacked, so please seek support and, if you can, get out of the house and don't wait around for a beating.

black-saturn

Can I ask why has this thread been merged with another one and how is this going to help the OP?

msmicawber

I wondered about that as there appears to be 3 or 4 all mixed together now.

black-saturn

It really grates on me when they do this :mad: The OP needs to feel like shes having individual help not shoved into the same boat as the rest. Each DV case is totally different and this was obviously done by someone who hasn't been through it.

msmicawber

Do you know if the moderators do this, or is it something that posters can do? I've had a quick browse through and the earlier OPs were in very different circumstances from DJ as. I was responding to posts from a woman who's children had witnessed her being beaten up and was taking some persuading to protect herself.

Bestthingsinlifearefree

I agree merging the thread on a personal problem is not helpful.

Keep posting Djdido :beer:

Let us know how you get on.

Best,

Queenie

black-saturn wrote:

It really grates on me when they do this :mad: The OP needs to feel like shes having individual help not shoved into the same boat as the rest. Each DV case is totally different and this was obviously done by someone who hasn't been through it.

I can understand your frustration, BS, and yes, although each DV case is unique, the advice for anyone in an abusive relationship does tend to be fairly consistent.

Another angle (I'm playing devil's advocate here!) is that by also having the opportunity to read others experiences can only be a positive thing because it takes away the aspect of feeling that they are alone and no one truly understands. Agreed the degrees of abuse and the methods employed vary considerably from individual to individual, but as you pointed out yourself,

... It's for past and present victims of abuse in a relationship. It's run by fellow ex sufferers one morning per week. It's a kind of discussion group about domestic violence which will give you the confidence to stand up for yourself and get what you want out of life. It will also give you the confidence to leave or get him to leave.

so by being given the opportunity to read through others experiences in one concise thread, may equally help give djdido2 the confidence to stand up and lead the life *she* wants.

Try not to view it as a negative thing, BS as that may be detrimental to what you are trying to achieve.

msmicawber - the board guides are the one's who are able to merge threads. Mainly to keep like with like when the subject and advice has been offered before. Posters aren't able to do that for themselves.

black-saturn

Yes I realise about what your saying but if it were me I would be pretty narked off if my thread (which must have taken the OP some courage to start) was palmed off with every other person with a similar problem. I'm just looking at it with the view of the OP thats all. I will continue to post on these threads if I have some advice to give.

Glad

black-saturn wrote:

Can I ask why has this thread been merged with another one and how is this going to help the OP?

because these threads are not strictly moneysaving tips and this board is for saving money in the family or relationship,
nor do I always want to move everything over to Discussion Time when people are being helped on here,
I mentioned this to a member of the MSE team and they suggested that similar threads be merged so there are not too many detracting from the money saving threads,

also it has been said on a number of occasions if you are not happy with anything on MSE please report it and not air it on the boards