Leaving abusive relationships (merged)

msmicawber

black-saturn wrote:

Thats the problem with most people. They are not being physically abused, only emotionally abused so they take a while to convince that they are suffering from abuse and that it can leave longer lasting damage.

This is so 'on the money' as our US cousins say. I suffered both and although I've got a few scars, they've faded, and the bones that were broken ache a bit in damp weather, but my toughest challenge has been overcoming my lack of self-confidence and self-worth, that are the persistent hangers-on from those days. Before the relationship, I was confident, relatively successful, happy, sociable - all sorts of positive things and I'm having to work so hard to get some of it back. The longer you stay in a relationship that's emotionally abusive, the more time there is for these negative feelings and behaviours to become entrenched.

You mentioned in one of your posts that you just needed some time to get your head around things - I think that's all part of the control. You're not given enough time to think about your situation, and are kept as isolated as possible so that you lose all sense of what 'normal' and 'reasonable' are. I didn't think that I was being emotionally abused because I'd lost my reality anchors. My ex was also master at twisting everything I said round to being my fault, so I kept looking at myself to see where I was 'going wrong' rather than at how appallingly unbalanced and controlling our relationship was.

Sorry, I didn't mean to ramble on about myself, I just want to encourage you to leave all this crap behind. You sound like a bubbly, outgoing person - you need to keep hold of that image of yourself rather than what he's projecting onto you to control you. It's good that he's not your children's father, since you won't have to keep in contact with him after the break up, which should help you get on with your life.

I hope you made some head way last night, and look forward to your posts.

margaretclare

black-saturn wrote:

Mr Right


A Non-Abusive Man
Is Cheerful
Consistent
Supportive
Tells You You Look Good
Tells You You're Competent
Uses Your Name
Trusts You
Trusts Your Judgement
Welcomes Your Friends and Family
Encourages You To Be Independent
Supports Your Learning, Career etc.
Admits to Being Wrong
Is a Responsible Parent
Is an equal parent
Does his share of the housework
Shares Financial Responsibility
Accepts that you have a right to say "no" to sex
Takes responsibility for his own actions and his own well being and happiness

Good heavens. I have been incredibly lucky because all of those things apply to my DH. At age 62 in 1997 I met Mr Right, he's still here, and hell will freeze over before I ever let go of him. So he had 2 unsuccessful marriages behind him - neither woman knew what she had got and their loss is my gain.

Good guys DO exist!

Best wishes

Margaret

Queenie

First and foremost ((hugs))

I was going to quote back all the pertinent tag lines from your previous posts, but that will take longer than I have time for right now, so, if I misquote, I apologise in advance.

Domestic violence describes "abuse" as being physical, emotional, sexual, (and/or!!) financial. It does not mean you need to "qualify" in all categories. Not all abuse is up front in your face - often it occurs on a subtle level - just like school bullies

To put it in rather more basic terms: It's about POWER and CONTROL.

He used his physical presence to bar the door to prevent either he or you leaving through it.

Emotionally - he plays on your "see the good in eveyone" nature and plays his "own" emotional blackmail card of:

djdido2 wrote:

... he cries and pleads "please dont leave me etc".

Emotionally he is wearing down your self esteem and confidence by using abusive and detrimental language to describe you (slag, flirt, scrubber etc) By reducing your self worth, feeds his own need to feel powerful and in control.
By turning your valid discussion points around to make you feel like it's all *your* fault, he is simply playing mind games and using them to control you.

Financially - ok, he's not paying his own way, nor is he supporting you - but he sure is making certain that you have no surplus income to retain a level of financial independance! This is just another way of controlling the game.

Sexually - well he is using that to secure (control) his position within the relationship, even though not in an overtly negative way. In a far more subtle way, he is using that to give you a sense of love/loving that simply doesn't appear to exist!

Of course he can be great some times! Why else would you be drawn to him? People who abuse others in a relationship always have a nice side otherwise they wouldn't attract a partner in the first instance Yes, he probably is a slightly better role model than your children's biological father, but that doesn't make him the *right* role model.

Because you *do* have something/one to compare him to, all that indicates is that you're in a place of "better the devil you know".

As for your children, trust me, while you may be anxious about any emotional upset/stresses that may (or may not!) result from ending this relationship, do not underestimate your children! When they see Mum's confidence, self esteem and self respect grow as a direct result, your children will thrive on it! It will be a very positive result in the longer term, not a negative one. Ok, they may feel some level of grief at the ending of the relationship, that's a natural part of relationship breakdowns, but they *will* survive it!

As with most bullies who are driven by the need to attain power through control, he is a very insecure person possibly with a low self esteem himself. However, that is *not* your problem!! That is for him to work out and deal with and no one, not even you will be able to do that for him. Especially not you because he doesn't have any real respect for you!

djdido2 wrote:

so i could start a gentle "where is this relationship going". i'll see what happens but he will try every trick in the book.

I wouldn't!! You are passing control back to him by beginning the conversation that way. You need to decide where *you* are going with this relationship!! Not him!!! If you have decided that it's not what you want/need then only you can make that decision, no one else can do that for you and certainly not him If you decide it's no longer a healthy, balanced relationship built on mutual respect, ambitions, goals, then you can empower yourself by making that decision on your own, without his book of tricks (controlling manipulating tools) to convince you otherwise. Nor do you have to have a discussion over the why's and wherefore's. Write him a letter - you already say he doesn't stay every night, so post it to him! If he wants to collect any belongings he has at your address, then you can contact your local Police Station and ask that a Police Officer be present when he comes to collect his stuff. They can do this under the power of preventing a breach of the peace. As the property is yours and not a joint property, find out about changing the main locks. The Police also have a dedicated Domestic Violence Officer who you can contact to seek advice.

Now it's time to take a look at your positives:-

~ You are a person already proving capable of supporting yourself and your children, without financial aid of a partnership. :T

~ You have a compassionate, caring nature which is ideal for helping your children come to terms with any sense of bereavement they may feel at the breakdown of your relationship and will ensure they not only handle it, but come out of it the other side, stronger and with confidence.

~ You have the strength to put a poor relationship behind you (you've done it once :T ) and move forward in positive and practical ways that you should feel proud of!!

~ you have a great job which puts you among a great variety of people who will treat you with the respect you deserve and the potential for many happy, rewarding friendships in the future.

~ the property you are in is yours; you decide who enters that property. If you don't want someone in, you hold that final say so.

~ you are an attractive woman. Rejecting a poor relationship is not a rejection of yourself or your ability to have a successful relationship in the future. Actually, you would be empowering yourself!

I've run out of time right now, but I wish you all the very best in finding the wisdom, courage and inner strength to make any decisions that will bring you a more fulfilling, happy and bountiful life.

((hugs))

margaretclare

Queenie wrote:

You are passing control back to him by beginning the conversation that way. You need to decide where *you* are going with this relationship!! Not him!!! If you have decided that it's not what you want/need then only you can make that decision, no one else can do that for you and certainly not him - If you decide it's no longer a healthy, balanced relationship built on mutual respect, ambitions, goals, then you can empower yourself by making that decision on your own, without his book of tricks (controlling manipulating tools) to convince you otherwise. Nor do you have to have a discussion over the why's and wherefore's. Write him a letter - you already say he doesn't stay every night, so post it to him! If he wants to collect any belongings he has at your address, then you can contact your local Police Station and ask that a Police Officer be present when he comes to collect his stuff. They can do this under the power of preventing a breach of the peace. As the property is yours and not a joint property, find out about changing the main locks. The Police also have a dedicated Domestic Violence Officer who you can contact to seek advice.

I completely agree with all that Queenie says, but I just wanted to add - what she outlines in the paragraph above really does happen. I know it does, because I watched it happen next door to us earlier this year. Locksmith arriving to change the locks, OH arriving escorted by Police Officer with clipboard - this was with details of exactly what he was allowed to remove. The young woman next door to us was in a far weaker position than you because they were married, had a joint mortgage, 2 little boys, he worked full-time and she worked part-time. None of that applies to you! The police officers who're trained to deal with domestic violence are well aware of emotional and physical abuse, as well as with the concept of marital rape - none of this applied a generation or two ago, so you're in a much stronger position than you realise!

I echo the words 'it's your house, you choose who enters it'. It's also your phone and you choose who you speak to on it!

Best wishes

Margaret

djdido2

hello there to everyone who has replied overnight and this morning!!

well did not get anywhere at all as he came back from football had a check on "what i'd been up to" and then went home to bed. he usually calls/texts my mobile up to 20 times a day but surprisingly he has only been in contact once this morning???? must sense there is something going on. well there is because i read and re-read all the replies thoroughly and have absorbed all the positive stuff to arm myself for that BIG moment.

margaretclare and queenie are spot on.

half of me is saying just get rid altogether and start afresh with me and the kids. quite an exciting prospect considering most of the time i only leave the house to go to and from work. the other half is saying its not that bad. he would have me believe that. but it is. the truth is i used to be very bubbly outgoing, the life and soul of the party and i hate the way i have changed. I AM BORING! NEVER GO ANYWHERE, NEVER DO ANYTHING.

Queenie

djdido2 wrote:

hello there to everyone who has replied overnight and this morning!!

well did not get anywhere at all as he came back from football had a check on "what i'd been up to" and then went home to bed. he usually calls/texts my mobile up to 20 times a day but surprisingly he has only been in contact once this morning???? must sense there is something going on. well there is because i read and re-read all the replies thoroughly and have absorbed all the positive stuff to arm myself for that BIG moment.

margaretclare and queenie are spot on.

half of me is saying just get rid altogether and start afresh with me and the kids. quite an exciting prospect considering most of the time i only leave the house to go to and from work. the other half is saying its not that bad. he would have me believe that. but it is. the truth is i used to be very bubbly outgoing, the life and soul of the party and i hate the way i have changed. I AM BORING! NEVER GO ANYWHERE, NEVER DO ANYTHING.

Focus on the blue - red is for warning

Rosie75

PLease think about your children in all this. No matter how much we like to think we are different from our parents, we all imbibe our attidudes and norms from what we see around us as children. I know you want better for your daughter than to be in a similar relationship when she grows up (sorry - I haven't picked up whether your children are male / female, so I'm having to hypothesise here), and you wouldn't want a son to see your partner as some sort of role model. Not to mention that you deserve so much better for yourself. And they will be so much happier if you are happy, irrespective of whether there is a male figure in their lives. Take care x.

black-saturn

djdido2 wrote:

half of me is saying just get rid altogether and start afresh with me and the kids. quite an exciting prospect considering most of the time i only leave the house to go to and from work. the other half is saying its not that bad. he would have me believe that. but it is. the truth is i used to be very bubbly outgoing, the life and soul of the party and i hate the way i have changed. I AM BORING! NEVER GO ANYWHERE, NEVER DO ANYTHING.

Thats the problem with most emotional abusers. The abuse will go in patterns where the relationship is very distant, you don't talk to each other, one is accusing the other of cheating etc and makes the other feel ugly and inadequate. They do this to make you feel like you could never survive without them and would never be able to find someone who will love you for who you are. But you CAN. Then after a while they will have a spell of being really nice to you and you start to feel like the relationship is on the up and he does love you afterall. But it doesn't last long because just as you get comfortable and trusting he will do or say something which has you crashing back down to earth again. Then the whole pattern starts again. The latter is when you think the relationship is not all that bad but it's all part of a preconcieved way of getting to you for them.

msmicawber

Hi again,

I did an assertiveness course for work recently, and have found it very useful in my private life as well. An earlier poster warned against putting the ball in his court when you're speaking to him about your relationship, and that was a very good point. Think about what you want to happen now and make it very clear - you don't have to be aggressive or angry (it works better when you're not anyway). Just say what you want to happen e.g. I want you to take your things from my house and not contact me again because this relationship is over. Don't bother answering any specifics, just quietly and firmly repeat that the relationship is over, so he must take his things and go and not contact you. If he gets difficult, or threatens to, then tell him that you have no alternative but to call the police ... and do it.

It worked with my ex recently, who has been violent to me in the past as well as manipulative. I stuck to my guns, quietly and firmly, and didn't shift my position and even he gave up.

I hope this helps.

comping_cat

(((HUGS))), you have been through the mill and back!!!!

I can only echo what Queenie and margaretclare have said, some very good advice there.

Take care, and good luck xx