Leaving abusive relationships (merged)

*destiny*

I could really do with some help and advice if possible. I've decided after 15 years of marriage to leave my husband, we have 4 young children together and it isn't really something I've decided on lightly. However i've come to the conclusion that it would be best all round. He hasn't been physically violent all those years, it's been more the odd time when he's lost his rag and hit me, it's been more a case of emotional abuse over the years and i'd actually believed it was my fault. He hurt me badly on Tuesday and I guess that was the straw that broke the camels back, 3 of the the children where woken by my cries of pain and shouting and witnessed most of the event. I feel totally sickened and a dreadful mother because of this, I've spoken to them about it and explained that mum and dad are going to living apart very soon but my youngest who is just 5 is really upset about it all. She wants me to give dad another chance but I can't, he's had so many. Fotunately she didn't see any of what happened but has seen my injuries and heard the others talking so she is aware to some extent of whats happened.

At the moment I just feel everything i'm doing is wrong, I'm moving them out of their home their schools away from friends and I feel utterly disgusted with myself for it, but there is no other alternative. I won't go into all the details but there is no way hubby will leave the house we are in now. I am fortunate that I have another home that is currently being rented out. Their tenancy is due to expire at the end of this month so I do have somewhere to go, however I feel sick at the fact that I will have to move back to an area where there are also bad memories for me but I will also have the pressure of neighbours questions. I know that sounds completely selfish of me and I should be grateful that I have somewhere to go, when so many other women don't. I hate myself for the way i'm feeling, and sometimes think I deserve whats happening to me because of it.

My husband knows I'm leaving, whether he beleives it or not is another story and after the storm there is now the denial period, which is the normal stage he goes through every time. I'm then treated as if there is nothing wrong and it's all in my head. He tells me it's all my fault that I've made him do it when I ask why he treats me this way. Things have got prgressively worse over the past few months and although he denies there is anyone else, my gut feeling tells me something completely different. But then I am paranoid according to him so that could be the reason for it.

I know my real problems are yet to come, with the children and how to survive financially, i've not had any dealings with benefit offices for many many years so this is all very new to me, I've so far contacted the Income support office and asked for their advice but I have been told I have to be physically living in the house i'm moving to before I can make a claim. My other problem is furniture, there is no way he will let me take anything and it's more than likely that I will have to get out quickly whilst he's not here, and I have nothing, where do I turn ? I have no family to help me although I've told a close friend of mine what is happening and she has said she will do all she can to help, although her means are limited. I don't know what the hell to do.

rchddap1

Firstly....its isn't your fault. No matter how upset he gets it doesn't give him the right to hurt you.

Secondly...well done for plucking up the courage to do what you know is right.

Thirdly...don't worry about the kids. Over time they'll settle down no matter where you end up. New friends are easily made. New schools found. Even new families created. My OH's daughter was 6-7 when her parents split....now she has 4 sets of family that she can call on. Which means 4 sets of presents, and more love than she can shake a stick at.

Edit: Forgot to mention. OH came out of his marriage with nothing. He was living at his mother's house when I met him. He didn't want to cause arguements and let his ex-wife take the lot (even though she was the one who split them up). To be honest he didn't want it anyway. Now he is a very happy man, which rubs of on his daughters when he sees them.

Its not the physical things that count...but the relationship with your children...as well as both your and their happiness and safety.

lush_walrus

Have to agree with above, there is no way you should be blaiming yourself or feeling guilty for the upheaval to your children. You have to remember that you are getting away from something bad, which is a necessity rather than a choice.

Given time, you and your children will be 100% better for the move, you are being very brave and managing something which many dont.

Petal_3

Oh gosh hun! I can't even begine to imagine what you're going through. I don't have any words of wisdom/advice I'm afraid other to second what rchddap1 has said.

I had the misfortune of hearing my Mum being beaten up by my Dad when I was about 6 or 7 and I ended up running out of the house in my nightie to some neighbours who called the Police. I'm in my 40's now.....I will never, ever forget that night and my Mum's injuries or be able to forgive him.

There is absolutely no doubt that you're doing the right thing and for all the right reasons.

I wish you tons and tons of strength hun.

((((hugs)))) x

trace-j

http://www.womensaid.org.uk/default.asp

N9eav

As with any physical assault especially domestic related, get the police involved. Domestic violence is high priority and there is a lot of help and support out there for it's victims.

payless

Am I right in assuming that your husband will know where you are moving to ?, and you accept/ cope with any issues that brings .

Surely you have some rights over some of the "joint" possessions , and recourse for financial help from him for the kids. ( not saying these rights only apply if you are living at a known address- just might be easier to enfroce if thats the case)

Womens Aid is a fair place to start when looking for help, although my understanding is that it's more of a network of regional support , and some "regions" are better than others- in some areas other organistations have better services- ( although fsome find it hard to get funds , as these are often directed to WA ) maybe look around in local library or ask GP ?

A solicitor might not be a bad thing, although again some are better than others

*destiny*

Thank you all very much for your kind words of support, it means a great deal to me right now, and it's great to hear that others have moved on from these situations, I do feel like there's no light at the end of a very long dark tunnel at the moment but I am sure it's the right thing to do for all concerned.

Thank you for the link to womens aid, I've tried to phone them a few times this afternoon, unfortunately the lines are busy but I will keep trying as and when I can.

payless you are right, my husband will know where I am and although it's not a thought I relish, I don't really see any other alternative. I've spoken to the housing department and they have advised me that because I have a property that I can move into they are not at liberty to find me anywhere else to live, and to be honest I think it would be wrong of me to do that when there are so many homeless people in genuine need of homes. And I know your right that I have rights to some of our joint possessions, however getting them out is a different ball game, I can't take the risk of more broken bones/bruises by trying it. I know many are you are screaming at the screen now "call the police" but I can't i'm too afraid to do that, he's already threatened that if I do he will tell them it was in self defense and that I attacked him first and he's made it pretty clear that he will fight me for custody of the kids if I do anything to harm his reputation, I'm on medication for depression which I've been taking for some time now and he's said he will do everything within his power to make me look like a suicidal maniac who shouldn't be allowed to keep her children. I'm terrified of that I couldn't face losing them to him it would be the end of me if that happened.

I know that moving to that house will be awful for me all his family and friends will know where I am and they pass daily to and from work etc, I know my every movement will be recorded and passed back to him but what else can I do ?

He wont pay anything for the children, he's just sent in the renewal for tax credits stating that he's made a loss. I'm trying to give you all the inormation I can but I'm also wary knowing that our friends and his family reads these boards and I'm terrified they will see a connection, so please forgive me if I seem avasive in any way.

Rikki

:grouphug: I don't have any advice to offer other than ditto the above. But I'm thinking about you and your children. Only you can make the decissions and the answers are in your heart. Trust your instincts. :grouphug:

rchddap1

No-one blames you for being a bit evasive on certain details...and in fact in this situation I'd expect it.

If he did tell the police you attacked him first how could he prove it. You have the bruises, not him. Have you attempted to commit suicide? If he starts saying that, he is going to have to back it up with some proof. Why shouldn't someone feel depresed if they're in an abusive relationship? I sure as hell would. It is a natural human reaction. The police understand these things and they are taken into account. He is the one lashing out, and so he is the one that social services & the courts would be wary of giving custody of the children to.

Don't be afraid of these things as he is trying to influence what you do. You are just as powerful as he is...if not more so. You have proved that by posting on these boards.

You are a sensible person who has come to the conclusion that the relationship that you are in is putting both you and your children's future and safety at risk. There is nothing mad about that. This is a normal logical conclusion. He is the one that needs help, not you.

So what if people keeps tabs on you and he's told that you went to the shops or even if you went out with another man etc... He can't do a thing about it. And if he does try the authorities will be on your side (if he does try anything try to get 'witnesses'). You should hold your head up high and be proud of yourself...not hang it in shame.

If his friends and family knew what he had been doing to you then I'm sure that they would support you. Of course they'd be shocked, but what's the betting that they don't know the truth of the situation. How many lies and half truths has he told them to cover things up? Or perhaps they even suspect that something isn't right, but haven't broached the subject.

Sofa_Sogood

*destiny* wrote:

I know many are you are screaming at the screen now "call the police" but I can't i'm too afraid to do that, he's already threatened that if I do he will tell them it was in self defense and that I attacked him first

I'm screaming at the screen *destiny* ... you really should reconsider about calling the police.

This might seem a harsh thing to say, but it's better to report him for bashing you about, than one of your kids ringing the police to say they've found you unconscious or even worse .... (I daren't even type the word )