Leaving abusive relationships (merged)

Callisto

Just wanted to post to say well done for being so brave and striving to get yourself & your kids away to a safer, happier environment.

I agree with other posts that you really should consider contacting the police (don't want to worry you, but if husband knows where you will be living, what if he arrives at your door with the intent of hurting you again?) If this is a possibility you really need to consider police involvement and/or a restraining order against him.

The other thing (that's probably not high on your priority list at the moment, but thought I would mention it) is do you have friends/family in the area you could pack up some of yours and kids clothes & personal possessions and take to their house to retrieve at a later date when you have moved? If you have to leave with practically nothing, (ie when husband realises you are really leaving/left, he may not allow you back in the house again) and it will be an emotional & financial strain to buy new clothes etc. Just a thought anyway...

Good luck and please let us know how you're getting on, we will be thinking of you.

oh_heck

This is so totally not your fault and you know what you should do for the sake of all concerned ,you have to keep yourself and of course the children safe from harm,my heart breaks at the thought of you and your children going through this.

It's not going to be easy and you'll wonder if your doing the right thing but no-one deserves to be treated this way EVER and the children will be surprisingly resilient and all the better for not seeing you as they did tuesday


Please see a doctor and at least get the abuse recorded ,you can decide on action later but get it noted now

I hope you can find the help you need and quickly,I'm sure there's lot of advice /help MSEers can give you.

Keep us all posted and good luck.

Sofa_Sogood

Just as an afterthought, and for anyone tech minded ...

Should *destiny* empty her cache or whatever it is?

It'd be awful if he had access to her pc and found this.

Sofa_Sogood

oh_heck wrote:

Please see a doctor and at least get the abuse recorded ,you can decide on action later but get it noted now

I've known a chemist that's taken pictures of inflicted injuries, but not sure if it helps or applies in this case.

Good luck *destiny*, and keep posting x

oh_heck

Sofa_Sogood wrote:

Just as an afterthought, and for anyone tech minded ...

Should *destiny* empty her cache or whatever it is?

It'd be awful if he had access to her pc and found this.

I agree,definately needs a techie touch, I suspect there are lots of ways he can see/check stuff if he knows how

payless

Womens Aid and similiar DV organisations will also have arrangements to take photo's / record info , and names / contact of the right people at the police to speak to

suekjw

Destiny - I think its all been summed up, I just wanted to add my support to you.

I did scream for you to contact the police - they have people dealing with this everyday and will be able to offer you whatever support you need. You really should contact them, as they will be able to offer you practical advice too.

Sue

Loretta

What you need is good practical advice it is now understood that in your position, no money, 4 children, nowhere to live, no belongings etc you cannot possibly organise all these practical details even if you were not in such a state,

This is an assault, just as it would be if you were attacked in the street by a total stranger, but in this situation it is worse, the person who has done this to you is the person you love, have children with, planned your life with, but he has also got access to you, because you live with him, at any time 24/7, he has probably seperated you off from everyone you know, your support system so that it is impossible for you to think straight let alone organise anything. He knows exactly which strings to pull to upset you and keep control of you. This is a worse situation because it is an abuse of trust.

What if a friend came to you in this situation, I am sure you would tell her that it has to be dealt with NOW, AS AN EMERGENCY, URGENTLY. You are very important AND DO NOT DESERVE TO BE TREATED LIKE THIS. Apart from anything else you have 4 children relying on you.

Women's Aid, benefits, housing departments, forget all that for now. It is not practical for you to move 4 children, from their home, from their schools, without furniture etc so much disruption for 5 people just because your husband does not know how to behave himself. It is not necessary, he must go.

GO TO THE POLICE, phone them first and ask if they have someone who deals with domestic violence and abuse, I am sure they will and make an appointment to see them. This would not be like dialing 999 or reporting a crime in the usual way even though this is a crime of course. They will discuss your situation with you and tell you what they can do for you, I think that you will be surprised. IT IS NOT ACCEPTABLE TO BE TREATED LIKE THIS. He may have made you think that it is. From every single woman they have spoken to the Police they will have heard that there has been physical violence, abuse, in front of the children, they know that this is a weak spot, that you have been told it is your fault, that you are a nutter/mad, that you are violent towards him and he is just protecting himself, he will not pay you a penny (who cares that is what benefits are for) you will have no where to live (he would be wrong about this) he will go for custody of the children and you will be on your own, 'everyone' knows you are mad, you have no friends, you will have no help, no one will listen to/believe you , you deserve it, have I left anything out? this is standard stuff from abusive husbands. I think you will be very surprised and relieved if you speak to them, times have changed, no one has to put up with verbal abuse let alone violence. If he comes to the point where the police become involved I expect you would be surprised at his reaction, I bet he would not be so 'brave' if someone stood up to him.

The police will not make you do anything, you could say when you phone that you just want to discuss your situation, I expect that is how everyone starts. They can 'flag' your address so that if you do have to dial 999 you do not have to explain your situation, with the monster yelling in your ear, even if you do not speak on the phone they will come straight out.

It would be a good idea as suggested to take a friend so that you can discuss it with her after because you are bound to forget everything that has been said to you.

You are not the only one, everything you have said is probably typical of everyone in your situation, that is why arrangements have been made to help you, and it is now UNACCEPTABLE to be treated like this. If he is worried about his reputation he has a funny way of showing it. School teachers are now trained to watch out for this sort of thing, many children would go to a teacher with their worries and fears and they know what to do. You have to do this first.

Please do it today, just a phone call, even if you just speak to them today on the phone and then have a think. Please do something and let us know what you are doing, we will all be very worried about you. You are not on your own you have all of us now. If you lived near me I wold come with you, I live in Sussex, if you are anywhere in the SE contact me and I will do anything I can to help

Go and do it now and LET US KNOW

Fran

Destiny,

The police will NOT be able to do anything to change things unless you phone while he is attacking you. Only then can you get an injuntion through the court.

Women's Aid IS the first place to go. They do know how best to help people as that is why they exist.

Getting out IS a priority as you have already decided.

Fran

Loretta_Tucker wrote:

Women's Aid, benefits, housing departments, forget all that for now. It is not practical for you to move 4 children, from their home, from their schools, without furniture etc so much disruption for 5 people just because your husband does not know how to behave himself. It is not necessary, he must go.

Loretta,

Unfortunately that is exactly what has to happen in a situation like this and destiny appears from her posts to have already reached that conclusion, after all the mental abuse has probably been going on for some time apart from the occasions where he has physically abused her too. She has already said that for reasons she can't go into that he won't leave.

That's why it's so important to use Women's Aid & Citizens Advice so that she doesn't have to think about all the practical arrangements - they will deal with that.