Leaving abusive relationships (merged)

mariauk

Hi Destiny

You have taken the first step to getting out and getting on with your life, Abusers are very good at diminishing your self confidence and blaming you for, what is at the end of the day, are their insecurities not yours. You are in no way to blame for his behaviour but he has your mind, body and soul so low that he could make you believe anything. As for the kids, it will be better in the long run for all of you to get out of this situation as seeing you abused is far worse than leaving friends behind and they will have a far worse outlook on life if you stay. He probably also plays with the kids minds, hence your little one asking you to give him one more chance. Your situation is not unusual but it is unacceptable, you are a strong woman and I think you have proved this already by making enquries into financial support etc at this stage. You can always look on Freecycle.co.uk for bits and pieces for your home as material things are the last of your worries and you and the kids are far more important. You have come to the right place and we will all be here with support for you at this difficult time in your life. Be strong and remember that getting out and getting on with your life won`t be half as bad as staying where you are. Good luck :grouphug: You can do it

Maria
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lush_walrus

*destiny* wrote:

I can't take the risk of more broken bones/bruises by trying it. I know many are you are screaming at the screen now "call the police" but I can't i'm too afraid to do that, he's already threatened that if I do he will tell them it was in self defense and that I attacked him first and

Im definately screaming at the screen. You really should talk to the Police, they are very used to dealing with these situations and will be ready for his response whatever it will be.

Do you have any close friends or family living near you? If you do, get someone to look after your children, go for a chat with your friend/family. Tell them all about what has been happening if they dont already know and that you want them to go to the Police with you. It will be easier to go through with it if you have someone with you.

From your situation it sounds as if you need to, dealing with someone abusive who will know where you are going to it really isnt an option not to bring the Police in on it.

Also start to write down all that you can remember of times, places things he has done. Include whether you went to the doctor, hospital etc, so that you have everything together ready to tell them.

Please dont feel worried about what excuses he will use, the Police will have heard every excuse in the book before, fact is there is no excuse.

loulou_lemon

Hi Destiny,

your immediate concern is that your children are safe and secure. Don't worry about moving to a new area, the children will take their lead from you, if you are upset and stressed this will have an impact on them. Children are more in tune with their parent's feelings than we give them credit for. As you become stronger (which you will) they will benefit from having one parent on whom they can be rely. Once you start taking positive action you will be less concerned about what other people think of you and you can console yourself in the knowledge that your children will not grow up thinking that it's ok to abuse others. You are not a bad parent for wanting to protect your children.

All best wishes x

mussgo

Destiny....you are doing the right thing.

There could be all sorts of hurdles ahead, but I think its easier these days, people have greater empathy of these situations.
Please stick to your guns....dont let your partner try to disuade you, should he try this. Either using the children or your vulnerability. Thats why posters are suggesting tallking to the Police,or similar. It makes it REAL.... it cant be easily dismissed. You probably need distance so you can understand and make choices.

If your partner needs help, to understnad his outbursts. Thats a choice he has to make. He will not change unless he sees help.

Take care

Glad

Destiny

you are being very brave and making the right decision, your children will thrive in a home where you are happy even if it is in a new area
don't concern yourself with what the new neighbours etc will think or ask, as marraige breakups are unfortunately fairly common these days you only need to say that you and your husband have agreed to a seperation,

luckily you have somewhere to live and lots of good advice from here,
the benefits board is full of helpful people and threads to help you sort out what you are entitled to,

best wishes and take care

fsdss

destiny

first of all its not your fault, your husband has the abusive and contolling problem, so try and hold your head up high as you've done nothing to provoke this hideous behaviour.
secondly plan your escape, if only we had known about your problems prior to the last incident, we could have helped you plan your escape (by both financially and home)
also often a partner will often threaten "custody of the children" as an emotional score as they are your weakness, pay no attention to this.
has your doctor documented injuries emotional or physical? this is a big factor should he threaten you again with custody
dont worry about the kids they will soon adapt, i bet in their school they will not be alone in being from a home which has parents who've seperated.

homersimpson_3

first of all it's NOT your fault so don't start blaming yourself. you can (AND WILL) cope without your husband. suggest you contact cab, local law centre or womens aid or solicitor. issues you need to consider:
a) are you going to divorce husband?
b) do you need injunction to prevent husband coming to new home, approaching you or contacting you or children by other means. courts more likely to grant where actual violence/threats/abuse or children have witnessed threats of this. what is likelihood of this happening, threat etc. ?
c) are you agreeable to husband still having contact to children (he is still their father)- how by letter, phone, supervised contact etc.
d) finances- explain position to DWP. if you need things from family home ask support worker from womens aid and police to go with you. you and children need furniture, clothes, toys etc. if necessary contact agencies such as salvation army for furniture.
e) where will children go to school- is there a local one. children are very adaptable but you need to be honest with them. explain things to them in a language they can understand.
f) if you make complaint to police need to provide evidence. when he hit you did you go to hospital? if so they will have record of injuries. if you have bruises then take photographs to record proof. go to police NOW and show them. many police stations have officers (usually women) and special suites (like flats with comfty arm chairs). you can if you wish ask for a female officer. don't be afraid- the police deal with cases like this day in day out. write down details of all the abuse- this will be painful and you will probaly end up in tears but you need to get this out of your system. Just start writing/typing and see where you go with it.
g) as time progresses and the immediate/practical things are sorted out (finances, divorce, schooling etc) your attention will focus more on what you want for own future- job, college course, hobby, - not sure whether you presently work, on course etc. not clear from posting.

Murtle

Please contact the police, if you don't want to do that, then please go to you GP or local hospital and have the abuse documented. This is imperative, if he wants to play nasty, please protect yourself and your children by providing evidence incase it is ever needed that he is in the wrong. Just a question, is there anyway that you can get the tenancy renewed on your property with the current tenants and rent a place, somewhere he won't know about? just a thought.

I really hope it all works out well

Gingham_Ribbon

I'm so sorry to hear about your situation. This is NOT your fault. (And I know how convincing that line can sound when someone who is supposed to love you says it.) Your head is probably spinning from all the things you need to do and I bet you don't know where to start. But you already have by making your decision and posting this thread.

You know you and the children need to get away from him. Murtle is right. Get this documented either at hospital, your GPs or with the police.

I sincerely doubt his threats about custody need to be taken seriously. But do get legal advice.

I hope you get the help you deserve and find somewhere to live soon. Because from the moment you get away your life will only get better.

Fran

I totally agree with the other posters - this is NOT your fault.

There is so much to think about that it must seem confusing.

Firstly, know the Women's Aid phone number. Women's Aid will be able to advise you about benefits, furniture etc. as that is what they deal with all the time. Why not pay them a visit?

If there are bruises from Tuesday see the doctor. Also tell doctor what you are going through.

Citizens Advice can advise on all aspects of your situation.

Make the move (I hope you can get help with this) and then do the claims etc. with help of Women's Aid and/or Citizens Advice.

Good luck with everything.