Leaving abusive relationships (merged)

djdido2

black saturn. dont know how to paste a quote from your post yet as i am a newbie but by hell your words ring so true.

its good for a while then it all comes crashing down again. thats the story of my life.

i have just managed to snatch some time to reply as HE is not here yet but he will be soon.

just goes to show how bad it really is. coz i have to sneak onto this forum. what people have said is giving me so much strength. i dont think it will happen overnight as but i am getting the power to be ME again. i am touched profoundly by the amount of posts i have had.

dd said today. remember when you left dad and we were on our own for a while??? that is when you were happy mum. it blew me away.

please keep posting any help/advice etc as i am only able to do this when he is around. i still find myself justifying his actions but i think i am just used to it. i will get there i know i will. i am very confident despite the fact tht i still have low esteem but i think that's only coz of my circumstances.

have to go. will be here when i get the chance.

what wonderful people.

xx
djdido

rchddap1

dd said today. remember when you left dad and we were on our own for a while??? that is when you were happy mum

See....she knows. You may think the kids look happy, but they know. Keep her words in your mind. That alone should be enough to give you the courage to do what you want to do deep down.

lynzpower

Asking where is this going, leaves him in control of the conversation.

Tell him where its going and he should be in no doubt whatsoever.

If you fear for yourself, speak to the local police domestic violence team who can offer support and guidance over the phone ( they can call you if you dont want to be found out doing it etc)

Most of all, ensure that you are safe, as far as you can. If you feel scared by his reaction, just drop it, until there is someone there to protect you if that is what is required.

djdido2

do you know the type who still hasnt woke up yet well thats me. people say police and i immediately think that maybe i am blowing things out of proportion and getting the police involved is serious and this is not.

i,m now trying to justify him by saying that some of his behaviour i have described goes on sometimes but not all the time. but that still dont make it rite does it???

rchddap1

I think you've just answered your own question there.

Queenie

djdido2 wrote:

.... what people have said is giving me so much strength. i dont think it will happen overnight as but i am getting the power to be ME again. ....

No, it won't happen overnight ((hugs)) change of any kind, even positive changes take a certain amount of courage and conviction and .... c.o.n.f.i.d.e.n.c.e .. yours has been gradually eroded and needs a bit of nurturing right now. I for one am delighted that you are gaining a bit of self confidence from reading others posts in this thread. Certainly sounds like your daughter has faith in you

Of course you are going to justify his actions to a point, how else do you reconcile how you found yourself in this position? BUT, what you must remember, for the sake of your own sanity is, this is *not* your fault! Happens to the strongest of women (and in truth, to some men who also end up in an abusive relationship ) . The day will come when you are spinning those justifications around in your head and you'll hear "Who are you *kidding*!!??" coming back at you from your own voice of true reason. THAT is when you'll know you are ready, really ready, to say, enough is enough and to re-take control of yourself and your life.

Are you able to save this thread on the computer where he can't see it/locate it? There are going to be moments when you really do need to read it back and take yet more strength from it.

Keep checking in as often as you are able, because we'll all be rooting for you and will worry if we don't hear from you!

((take care))

Dora_the_Explorer_5

djdido2 wrote:

i have just managed to snatch some time to reply as HE is not here yet but he will be soon.

have to go. will be here when i get the chance.

xx
djdido

Had you realised that what you've written clearly indicates that you don't trust him and you can't predict how he will behave ? Not a good situation for anyone to find themselves in, especially a single mum with responsibility for her children.

Good luck

Queenie

djdido2 wrote:

do you know the type who still hasnt woke up yet well thats me. people say police and i immediately think that maybe i am blowing things out of proportion and getting the police involved is serious and this is not.

i,m now trying to justify him by saying that some of his behaviour i have described goes on sometimes but not all the time. but that still dont make it rite does it???

You are not "involving" the Police, you are seeking their advice and support to assist you in making the right choices for you and your children. They are also able to inform you about other support networks available to you. Some Counties even run support groups via the Police Domestic Violence Officer where you meet up with other women who have or even still are (pending their BIG moment) in similar circumstances. Some, I know, have a solicitor on hand to offer free advice where needed.

You're not asking them to arrest him and throw away the key! You can phone, seek advice from the right department and get professional support.

black-saturn

I don't know if there is a Freedom Programme in your area but here is the link to the site:

http://www.freedomprogramme.co.uk/

It's for past and present victims of abuse in a relationship. It's run by fellow ex sufferers one morning per week. It's a kind of discussion group about domestic violence which will give you the confidence to stand up for yourself and get what you want out of life. It will also give you the confidence to leave or get him to leave. The group is totally confidential. If you have to ring the group organisers the number won't show up on your phone bill, they won't ring you unless it's pre arranged, they will cover for you for when your there. So the only person who need know your there is you. I run these courses in my town and have a group of about 15 ladies every 3 months or so and by the end of the course of 12 mornings usually about 10 of them have left their partners and started a new life.

Queenie

Just noticed this link in the freebies forum: ..

fiestafantastic wrote:

Living Life to The Full On-line is a powerful new life skills resource. The course has been written by a psychiatrist who has many years of experience using a Cognitive behaviour therapy (CBT) approach and also in helping people use these skills in everday life. During the development phase of the course, each module has been used by a wide range of health care practitioners and members of the public. Joining and using the site is entirely free - with thanks to sponsorship from the Centre for Change and Innovation at the Scottish Executive Health Department.

Open to non-scottish residents.
http://www.livinglifetothefull.com/elearning/

Taken a quick look and there's an interesting module on "Assertiveness" and "Problem Solving" amongst other things - djdido2 - it might be worth having a look and a read.