Leaving abusive relationships (merged)

black-saturn

Queenie wrote:

That's not 'quite' accurate, BS, it would be more accurate to state: The board guides thought it would be a good idea to merge it with another thread on the same subject .

Thankyou for the lesson in grammar :rolleyes:

djdido2

thanks queenie and bs.

i just want to blurt it all out and tell him so thats its over and i cn have some space to myself. prob an excuse but i am working sat night a private function. if i tell him tomorow i cn literally he will turn up at my "party" where i am working and cause bother. this is obviously not good for my business and i dont want to look unprofessional. this is why i put it off all the time and leave it til another day. i know i cd call the police if i need/want but i am just trying of avoid the prospect of being shown up by my crazy OH. if he turns up the damage is already done.

any advice????

msmicawber

Queenie wrote:

That's not 'quite' accurate, BS, it would be more accurate to state: The board guides thought it would be a good idea to merge it with another thread on the same subject .

dj - please don't take the move personally!

Queenie - it was I who told BS that this has been merged with 3 other threads as I was looking at DJ's thread and suddenly it changed. I found three other threads while I was scanning through.

msmicawber

DJ,

Will your 'party' have bouncers? If so, could you warn them that he may cause trouble because you've just given him the elbow? I know it's your work and you don't want to jeopardise it, but equally it's better dealing with difficult people in public, especially with bouncers to protect you? Just a thought ...

As to giving him the elbow, I'd just repeat my earlier advice that you should calmly and clearly tell him to take his stuff and go and not contact you again. Don't answer any questions, just quietly keep repeating it, so he understands that you're not going to be moved. Since he's not used to you doing that, it may take a lot of repetition. If things look like they are getting ugly, let him know that you will call the police. Then do it if he doesn't comply with your wishes at once.

Best wishes.

black-saturn

djdido2 wrote:

thanks queenie and bs.

i just want to blurt it all out and tell him so thats its over and i cn have some space to myself. prob an excuse but i am working sat night a private function. if i tell him tomorow i cn literally he will turn up at my "party" where i am working and cause bother. this is obviously not good for my business and i dont want to look unprofessional. this is why i put it off all the time and leave it til another day. i know i cd call the police if i need/want but i am just trying of avoid the prospect of being shown up by my crazy OH. if he turns up the damage is already done.

any advice????

I would tell him first thing on a monday morning. I presume most of your work is at the weekends? If not I would do it on a day that you have a few days gap before you work again. Brace yourself for the fact that he might turn up at the party. A lot of places have bouncers now or if it's a private function they might have door men. You could tell them whats going on and say you don't want him permitted in the building. If you feel unsafe leaving you could phone the police. Once he's gone I would also have my locks changed and also ask for a police escort if he wants to collect any belongings from your house. Better to have one night of work ruined than the rest of your life.

djdido2

sadly there wont be bouncers as its a private function. can hardly approach the booker and tell them my situ but i suppose i will just have to deal with it and hope tht i'm not worrying unduly. i am so scared of confrontation. think it stems from my childhood but hey thats a whole new story.

i have become so isolated that i cant even think of taking anyone with me just in case i need help. i'll ring my dad if i need to. he'd probably be there for me. i think????

dont want to keep putting it off but i always find an excuse. i will go back over some of the points people have made and i will feel better able to deal with the situ

xx

black-saturn

Does he have to know where you will be working? Is it a different venue every time or the same place?

djdido2

yes i work fri,sat sun night and the pay it fabulous. leaves me all week to be with my dd and ds. monday morning is a good idea tho he wil be at work and will communicate mostly by text messages (usually hundreds of them). in the past when i have told him he has lurked around and hidden in my garden. dd caught him staring through lounge window when curtains were closed. glad i never opened them i would have had a heart attack. quite a nervous person despite the job.

djdido2

yes he does know where i am working. if he dont turn up at this one he sure will at the next. (i am booked all fri/sat/sun all yr round) now i have realised he has the control as i am worrying about the work thingy. but i wont let him win not when it comes to work/money.

msmicawber

Then why not do what Black Saturn suggests and break with him on a day when you've got a few days before your next gig?

I could tell you had a fear of confrontation by the way you posted. Keep asking yourself 'what's the worst thing that could happen?' and check whether the likely outcome is actually so very bad. If he starts whining and sulking, just stay firm and calm. If he gets angry and aggressive, tell him you will phone the police, then do it.

Would your father or a friend come round and just be next door, or in the garden or something when you tell him, so that he doesn't have to know that they're there, but you do? That would give you moral support and, if necessary, actual assistance.