Leaving abusive relationships (merged)

nic82

djdido2 wrote:

is there any way he cd find out what i have been looking at on pc????

You need to clear your Internet History so he can't see what you've been looking at.

If you're using Internet Explorer, go to Tools (at the top of the screen), click on Internet Options and then click the "clear history" button.

The problem with doing the above is that everything in the history is cleared, so he if he looks, he will probably find it a bit suspicious that not a single website is listed for the past three weeks.

Another way of doing it (that's not as obvious) is to click on the "history" icon at the top of the page (to the right hand side of the "media" icon). Click the little drop down arrow next to "view" and see what option is already selected (so you can change it back when you've finished in case he looks). Click "By site".

Scroll down until you find an entry for "forums.moneysavingexpert.com", right click on it and click "delete". Scroll back up to the top of the list and change the "view" option back to what it was before you changed it to "by site".

This way, you've only deleted references to this forum rather than every single website, so it won't look suspicious if he looks to see what you've been doing.

HTH
xxx

nic82

msmicawber wrote:

As regards the PMs, I haven't done it either, but if you look at the User CP tab up above, there's an option to send a private message.

A good way of looking at the fact that he gets so hysterical at the thought of you leaving him, is that he needs you more than you need him. You might draw some strength from that.

If you're worried he may read your posts, clear your cookies, temporary internet files and internet history, then even if this site comes up, you won't be logged in, so he won't know it's you (if he even finds his way to this thread).

Best of luck to you djdido2.

Whoops, sorry msmicawber, I cross-posted with you

djdido2

what a star


thankyou

xx djdido

Scarlett

Wow. I read this and had to post, as I've just had to deal with similar situation with a close friend of mine. From the outside their relationship seemed fine, until I found out how possessive and messed up he was.

The thing about domestic abuse is that it's not just physical abuse that damages. Emotional abuse is harder to detect...

It sounds to me like he:

- is very good at twisting things around onto you and talking himself out of it
- has taken advantage of your good nature and has worn down your self-confidence

And lots more that I don't have time to post now, cos I really have to get home from work in a hurry tonight!

Kia kaha - it means "stay strong"

I'll check in here tomorrow

xx

nic82

djdido2 wrote:

what a star


thankyou

xx djdido

No problem. I'll be online for another few minutes, so if my instructions haven't made sense, let me know and I'll try to talk you through how to do it.

xxx

djdido2

i have written it down but have to be quick as he's here soon.


back tomorow. dont think he'll be too suss at moneysavingexpert lol

msmicawber

nic82 wrote:

Whoops, sorry msmicawber, I cross-posted with you

No worries - you were much more comprehensive, and I realised after I'd posted that the OP had said she was new to computers, and I hadn't told her where to the options were ... and I do this for a living, shame on me!

black-saturn

Sorry I didn't see this thread before now. I've worked with emotionally abused women and it leaves deeper scars than physical abuse.

Here's a checklist for you. If you even say yes to one of these you could be a sufferer of emotional abuse:

The symptoms of emotional abuse can include some or all of the following:
Do you feel that you can't discuss with your partner what is bothering you?

Does your partner frequently criticize you, humiliate you, or undermine your self-esteem?

Does your partner ridicule you for expressing yourself?

Does your partner isolate you from friends, family or groups?

Does your partner limit your access to work, money or material resources?

Has your partner ever stolen from you? Or run up debts for you to handle?

Does your relationship swing back and forth between a lot of emotional distance and being very close?

Have you ever felt obligated to have sex, just to avoid an argument about it?

Do you sometimes feel trapped in the relationship?

Has your partner ever thrown away your belongings, destroyed objects or threatened pets?

Are you afraid of your partner?

Does he compare you to a beautiful famous person who you don't look like and never can?


What is emotional abuse

Fear of physical harm
Deprivation of food, sleep or money
Biting, pushing, kicking, punching
Verbal or sexual threatening
Emotional blackmail
Isolation from family or friends
Imprisonment in your own home
Humiliation or belittlement
Using your children against you

black-saturn

Mr Right


A Non-Abusive Man
Is Cheerful
Consistent
Supportive
Tells You You Look Good
Tells You You're Competent
Uses Your Name
Trusts You
Trusts Your Judgement
Welcomes Your Friends and Family
Encourages You To Be Independent
Supports Your Learning, Career etc.
Admits to Being Wrong
Is a Responsible Parent
Is an equal parent
Does his share of the housework
Shares Financial Responsibility
Accepts that you have a right to say "no" to sex
Takes responsibility for his own actions and his own well being and happiness


Mr Wrong


An Abusive Man:
Shouts
Sulks
Smashes Things
Glares
Calls You Names
Makes You Feel Ugly and Useless
Cuts You Off From Your Friends
Stops you Working
Never Admits He's Wrong
Turns the Children against you
Uses the children to control you
Never does his share of the housework
Never looks after the children
Expects sex on demand
Controls the money
Threatens you to get his own way
Compares you with someone glamorous who you look nothing like
Seduces your friends/sister/anyone
Expects you to be responsible for his well-being
Blames you for his drink, drugs etc problem

black-saturn

Here's some other links for you:

http://www.womanabuseprevention.com/html/emotional_abuse.html

http://www.womensaid.org.uk/

http://www.breakthepattern.org.uk/domestic_violence/index.html