Leaving abusive relationships (merged)

nearlyrich

Sounds like a complete loser, dump him quick and find someone who accepts you and your children and isn't shy of spending some money on you. Good luck.

tanith

Its hard to hurt someone but you are being hurt by him all the time albeit in a different way ... as someone else has suggested tell him you need to have a talk about where the relationship is going, it obviously can't continue as is.... and then see what his reaction to any suggestions to him paying his way and you can take it from there... but be tough tell him what you want and if he doesn't agree then show him the door in the nicest possible way , you might be able to manage that if things stay fairly calm...

We will be here for help and advice , lean on us..... :T

djdido2

all wise words but while i'm this fragile i back out of telling him how it is. he asks me if there is a problem as it is obviously eating away at me and i say no! i cant help it. i just get really scared and lie and say all is ok even though its not. i realise i am digging my head in the sand i just dont think i want to deal with all the abuse again. (this is why i left my partner, eventually!! after years of the same type of treatment).

i get all the typical abuse that a man could chuck at a woman. it all comes rushing back and i just avoid the situation. most days i feel like disappearing of the face of the earth. but i cant as my kids are happy and settled and i have been critisised in the past for moving them around too much.

thanks for your replies. feels good to know people will take the time to help.

rchddap1

Imagine your kids as teenagers. Do you honestly believe he wouldn't treat them the same way he does you...ie, where have you been, who have you spoken to etc.... Given time it will affect them too. The question you have to ask yourself is will it be better to sort it out now, or leave it...see them hurting...and then try and sort it years down the line and end up hating yourself because you didn't do something earlier.

My partner came with 2 teenage daughters. When I accepted him, I accepted them, no matter what my family thought.

Don't worry about what 'criticism' other people throw at you. The important thing is what you think yourself. I'm pregnant at the moment and I know there'll be all this pressure to breastfeed and comments on what I should and shouldn't be doing. However, its my baby and I'll do what I think is best as its mum. Everyone else can go whistle. That includes my family, my partner's family and anyone else that decides to comment on what I'm doing.

If you've been there already then you should already know that you have the right to say "I don't want this".

djdido2

oddly enough he never displays this behaviour when the kids are around but i do realise i have to get out before it does any more damage to them and/or me. i think he is possessive as he is really insecure. hell knows why as he has had an amazing upbringing compared to me.

it wasnt a case of i dont want this. i had to escape secretly and move away as he continued to harrass and bully me for ages after i left. i suppose i dont want this to occur again as it brings up so many scary memories and to be truthful i dont want to be alone again!!!

rchddap1

You'll never be alone as you'll always have your kids. Even when they stand there and say "I hate you mum"....really they love you very deeply and will always be there for you.

djdido2

yes rchddap1 you are right!! thanks for that!

msmicawber

Reading your posts has set a lot of alarm bells ringing for me - in addition to using you, he's also sapping your confidence. I understand that you're feeling fragile, having been through an abusive relationship before, but have you thought about what the worst possible outcome would be if you stood up to him? If you don't think he would physically harm you or your children, then what is the worst you think he could do?

I've just re-read this and realise it might sound harsh, but it's not meant to do anything other than ask you to look at your fears and check whether they're justified or a sort of learned behaviour from before. I was taught to do this recently after being a wimp for years following an abusive relationship and found it very empowering. Before that, I used to recoil from any slightly hostile or uncomfortable situation as if I was going to be punched again. Now I'm able to assert myself calmly. I also think this is a great thing for my children to witness as I don't want them to grow up either abusers or abusees.

Why not discuss this again with your friend since it was her reaction to your situation that prompted you to start your thread?

Very best wishes.

djdido2

thanks for that. i know i should try but i have got into the bad habit of backing out. i just need the space to gather myself together and get my thoughts into perspective so that i say it right. he has this amazing ability to reverse things so that all the problems we have are my fault, or that i am causing them!!! i suppose memories of scooping my kids up at all hours and making a run for it is what makes me avoid telling him. when we have tried before he has stood against the door so i am unable to leave and then talked me back into being with him again. god i sound so weak.

djdido2

would tell my friend my situ but she is my mums next door neighbour. i have a funny feeling she'd say something and my mum would go barmy. i know i come across as a wimp but its easier than the grief and upset sometimes!!!.
i dont want to upset my mum either!!