Leaving abusive relationships (merged)

rchddap1

Have you thought about asking a good friend to be there with you if / when you decide to challenge him?

One other option is to have a phone on you to call the police if you get uncomfortable. Remember this is your home....and not his.

seanparkin

I have (had) a similar problem from the other side except without children involved. I work 5-6 days a week in a really stressful job, and my girlfriend does part time work as a sales advisor in retail. We both lived together in a house we chose together etc.

I paid for absolutely everything, whereas she spent all her money on whatever she wanted. I struggled to pay bills as they were more than my income and she just wouldn't help at all. Ontop of that, she didn't do any housework (besides cooking the evening meal) - leaving it all for me to do on my only day off.

Nothing I tried changed anything, she just couldnt be reasoned with. Needless to say she tried reasoning with the locked front door with changed locks...

Sometimes its just the only thing that can be done. You may spend months trying to convince yourself otherwise - but unfortunately you will eventually have to realise that you are wrong.

Bestthingsinlifearefree

djdido2 wrote:

thanks for the replies. i have always been the type to put other peoples feelings before my own. i cant help it. my mother is exactly the same so i am going to have to learn to break that pattern of behaviour. sounds silly but i dont want to give him any more time. i've been on an emotional rollercoaster over this for months and months. it seems everyone can see him for what he is but it takes me 12 months longer than everyone else for it to sink in and me to realise it. why is this?????

i suppose him not contributing is just another excuse for me to dump him as i have not been happy for ages. he checks my phone, wants to know who has called at the house when he's at work or at home. and i must be a supermodel in another persons body coz he thinks ANYONE wants me including women and unbeleivably even a certain pensioner.

I've heard enough, there is no room for doubt.

if you have not been "happy for ages" plus with all the rest of his behaviour etc etc

There is only one solution.

DITCH HIM !!!!

djdido2

having the friend there is a great idea. tried the phone thingy and he jst grappled with me till he got it off me. i do have a close friend that wont take any bother from anybody so i will have to have a good heart to heart with her. trouble is when i go to visit her he becomes suspicious, despite the fact she is my best friend. he phones constantly when i am with her and also wants every detail of what we say to each other in our girly chats. i jst tell him all the usual stuff but nothing personal. will do this soon as i am pretty sure he has to leave. YESTERDAY!!!

Bestthingsinlifearefree

(to me a 33 old bloke) He sounds very abusive and scary.

If you were my sister I would want him out of your life ASAP.

This is lot, lot worse that what started out as a lazy boyfriend type thread.

As some one else said maybe have some one else close to hand when you ditch him.

Keep posting here, as things develop and ppl will give you asmuch support and advice as possible.

Sometimes just talking it through helps clarify stuff.

Bestthingsinlifearefree

djdido2 wrote:

having the friend there is a great idea. tried the phone thingy and he jst grappled with me till he got it off me. i do have a close friend that wont take any bother from anybody so i will have to have a good heart to heart with her. trouble is when i go to visit her he becomes suspicious, despite the fact she is my best friend. he phones constantly when i am with her and also wants every detail of what we say to each other in our girly chats. i jst tell him all the usual stuff but nothing personal. will do this soon as i am pretty sure he has to leave. YESTERDAY!!!

He is starting to sound psycho to me. DEFINITELY HAVE THIS FRIEND WITH YOU when you ditch him.

Telling you who you can see, interragating you, blocking doors, taking your mobile.

WHO THE HELL DOES HE THINK HE IS :mad: :mad: :mad:

That type of behaviour is totally, totally unacceptable.

Ivrytwr3

Woah woah woah!!!!

We know nothing about this persons relationship, only what she is telling us and we are advising her to ditch her partner and 'father' to her kids. We're telling her to break up her family?

How about you get rid of the kids one day/night, invite him around telling him you need to talk and tell him what your concern is. Be strong and don't take 'wishy washy' excuses. How about producing a bill on what he is costing you? Tell him that money could have been spent on doing up the house, treats for the kids, treats for them, savings account for kids, getting down you debt etc etc....

Maybe this guy is just used to being treated this way and does not realise there is a problem? If i'm doing something unintentionally and someone points it out, i would be embarrassed and try to rectify it.

If you really are concerned about talkingto him, again invite him around, telling him you need to talk. When he comes round, tell him how much you and the kids love him and you want to be together, but there is a problem you need to bring up and then sit him down in front of this thread!!!!

Let him see people's opinions of him!!

And if you're reading this, try to help your partner out, she sounds great, has invited you into her family and you need to realise you should be contributing to YOUR family!!!

Good luck to all of you!!!

msmicawber

I agree with Besthingsinlife - the more you tell us, the more serious this sounds. You said that the first friend that you mentioned is your mum's neighbour ... would it be so very bad if your mother found out? Why don't you tell her yourself? I didn't tell anyone for ages about my abuse (partly because I was kept quite isolated from people, and grilled the odd time I did manage to spend time with a friend or relative on my own, and partly through fear of more violence), but when I 'fessed up, everyone was so supportive (and admitted to having harboured suspicions that they'd not aired because I didn't appear to be receptive).

My 'lightbulb moment' where my relationship was concerned was when I phoned our local domestic violence unit and spoke to a WPC who asked me the chilling question 'Do you still have a lock on the toilet door?'. There are patterns to abuse and it escalates.

Keep posting and talking to your friends to keep your courage and resolve up. You're worth better than this, and so are your children.

djdido2

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i'd rather die than him see this. he isnt the father of my children but he is there step dad i suppose. as there "real" dad is a waste of space and goes out of his way to avoid seeing them. i have some really good advice and didnt realise people would give me there time and wisdom to get this situation sorted. i would say he is acting like a psycho but he always talks his way out of things. i am the stupid one for not sorting it out. after having all these lovely people and great advice i intend to do something about it. today

djdido2

its really weird. i didnt see it as abuse as its roses compared to what i have been through past. because he has never hurt me physically i have done a great job of convinicing myself that this is not abuse.

also i feel like i am going on and on and on. each time i get a new post i fear that someone is going to say get a grip and that would just make me fall apart. its making me emotional knowing there are people out there who care