Money Moral Dilemma: My son wants me to give him £40,000 even though he doesn't need it - should I?

PennyPuppet

I wonder what your Dad would think about his situation. If the money came to you from his estate I personally think he would have wanted you to treat both of his grandchildren equally. Which would mean splitting the money between them. You really should have thought about this well before you handed £40k to your daughter. Of course you should give the same to you son, with no hard feelings. 

Greengirl24

I think a crucial point is that the lump sum came from the grandfather's house and so could be considered as 'family' money. In which case equal shares seems appropriate. 

Blondebairn

If you didn’t explain to your son that you would be able to give him £40k now,  before you gave it to your daughter - apologise, and explain you never meant him to feel he was being treated unfairly or you don’t care for him as much as your daughter.  Always good to clear the air asap.    

It sounds like your finances may be tight if you give your son £40k now.  Talk him and your daughter through your financial position, what you’ve planned for supporting yourself during retirement, the provisions of your will etc.     

The potential issues with just leaving your son the first £40k from the sale of your estate in your will, is that with inflation it will be worth less than the £40k you have just given your daughter unless you pass away very soon (which I hope is not the case).  You also may end up needing care in your old age - and in these circumstances your estate would need to provide for this, until the money runs out and the State steps in, so your son could end up with nothing.   You could consider entering into a declaration of trust with your son on your house, so he beneficially owns £40k / equivalent % at its current value which he would get when it is sold for whatever reason.  This may secure it in the event you need care- consult  a solicitor to see if this could work and what the risks are of doing this.  Whatever you decide to do, be open with both of your children so everyone is on the same page.  By doing this you will be helping to positively nurture not only your relationship with your children but also their relationship with one another.  

Sir_Artois

I agree entirely with the son, it's incredibly unfair regardless of earnings to favour one child so massively versus the other. If you couldn't afford to give both £40k, you should have given neither it. £40k will be worth less than 1/4 it's value today in 25-35 years.

Personally think the money from the daughter should be returned and spread fairly, or retained by the OP. 

vacheron

I have to agree with the majority.  Granted if the money was left to you and not your children in the will it is yours to do with what you please. But if you favour one child over the other, do not expect them to be happy about it. 

Another way to possibly phrase your comment "my son has a very good job and already has a house" could be "my son works very hard to provide for himself, and probably has a large amount of mortgage debt with interest charges to pay each month which my daughter does not".

With hindsight I would have given half the 20k to your daughter and make her find the rest herself, and the other 20k  to your son and kept the additional 40k for your future comfort. Also consider that if your daughter needs £40K handouts to buy the home she wants, she possibly doesn't have sufficient income to afford it in the long term?

USER3507

You are not being unfair. Your children’s needs are different. If one was a multimillionaire, you wouldn’t hesitate to help the poor child. Your son is being selfish and unreasonable. My son needed help with a deposit for his house and my daughter didn’t. She was perfectly understanding. Put yourself first and make sure your son understands your reasons for your decisions. 

HalfCut

Happend to me! Father gave my sister and husband £30K for a house but at the time I was not told ( my family don't discuss money). about 15 years later Dad said I gave your sister money to help with a house have £30k to even things out. Wow £30K thanks, did not even thing about O' dear poor me not given money when my sister needed it and I didnt.
Then again I don't have an ego.
If you can't help family when they need it then, poor show. 

SG000

You have 2 children and you should always treat them the same, give to one and you should give the exact same to the other no matter the circumstances. Your son might have a good job but he probably got there with a lot of hard work and sacrifice with no help from anyone. It will cause a lot of resentment within the family and I talk from experience as this happened within our family and relationships have now broken down and will never be the same as our parents favoured one child over the other two. 

Littledaler

I agree with everything comeandgo said in that you are favouring one child over the other - NEVER a good idea, the amount your son receives on your demise may be worth nowhere near the value your daughter has received and there won't be anything for your son if you need to go into care. You need to resolve this now. 

loublou1970

1/ if you need to go into care there may be no money left for him
2/ Even as an adult with money he feels you don’t care for him as much as your daughter in his mind you have made it quite clear.
3/in the future the money may not be of same value so he will miss out again 
you should have split money you could afford to give away equally