Money Moral Dilemma: My son wants me to give him £40,000 even though he doesn't need it - should I?

DullGreyGuy

horsewithnoname said:

DullGreyGuy said:

horsewithnoname said:

It’s your money, do as you see fit. Treating people fairly doesn’t necessarily mean treating them the same. 

If one of your kids needed a motorised wheelchair would the other want something of the same value, or would they just be glad they didn’t need the same thing?

Not a good parallel given the daughter didnt need a wheelchair or another device to help with a disability or illness but help getting a better mortgage and who wouldn't want to be able to pay off £40k from their mortgage no matter how much you earn?

Agree fairly doesn't mean the same but struggle to see how this can be seen as fair through any lens unless the OP has failed to mention they gave their son £60k a couple of years ago to help them get their mortgage and gave nothing to their daughter at that time

My parents gave my sibling a fair chunk of money when it was needed. I didn’t get similar at any point because I was fortunate enough not to need it. 

All perfectly fair. 

What was the "need"?

It doesn't sound like the OP's daughter was in dire straights or anything else but just a helping hand to get on the property ladder... though we may have a different definition of being in need though. 

As per above, it would be totally different if the money was for a wheelchair, private cancer treatment or something that really is a need and something that the son probably would hope never to be in the position to need as well. 

IndependentSW

Seek legal advice via a solicitor regarding this. There are implication too when gifting money to children as if you were to, for example need care services within the next 7 or 8 years the amount of money you have gifted to your children will still be taken into account when the local authority carry out a financial assessment and even though you don't have that money they will factor it in to any calculations for contributions towards care. I've been involved in cases where parents have given money to children and it has become a safeguarding concern, one of financial abuse. Good luck with resolving this but also protect yourself in the process! 

horsewithnoname

DullGreyGuy said:

horsewithnoname said:

DullGreyGuy said:

horsewithnoname said:

It’s your money, do as you see fit. Treating people fairly doesn’t necessarily mean treating them the same. 

If one of your kids needed a motorised wheelchair would the other want something of the same value, or would they just be glad they didn’t need the same thing?

Not a good parallel given the daughter didnt need a wheelchair or another device to help with a disability or illness but help getting a better mortgage and who wouldn't want to be able to pay off £40k from their mortgage no matter how much you earn?

Agree fairly doesn't mean the same but struggle to see how this can be seen as fair through any lens unless the OP has failed to mention they gave their son £60k a couple of years ago to help them get their mortgage and gave nothing to their daughter at that time

My parents gave my sibling a fair chunk of money when it was needed. I didn’t get similar at any point because I was fortunate enough not to need it. 

All perfectly fair. 

What was the "need"?

It doesn't sound like the OP's daughter was in dire straights or anything else but just a helping hand to get on the property ladder... though we may have a different definition of being in need though. 

As per above, it would be totally different if the money was for a wheelchair, private cancer treatment or something that really is a need and something that the son probably would hope never to be in the position to need as well. 

I had a steady job and a home, my sibling didn’t. 

JohnB47

Perhaps this isn't practical, or even possible but how about stating in your will that the amount of additional inheritance granted to your son, at your death, would be the equivalent of todays value of £40000. In other words, someone (solicitor?) calculates the negative effect of inflation between now and your death and works out the amount needed to boost that £40000 to have the same worth to your son. For example £40000 today might be worth only £35000 in 20 years time, so your sons inheritance would be increased to, say, £45000. (Sums are just guesses). Or you could say his inheritance is £40000, increased by 2% each year between the date of the will and your death.

Sea_Shell

MSE_Kelvin said:

This week's MoneySaver who wants advice asks...

After selling my recently-deceased dad's house, I gave my daughter £40,000 as a deposit on a house. As my son has a very good job and already has a house, I had my will rewritten to say that he will get the first £40,000 from my house when the time comes, to make things fair. But my son wants the money now, which I could just about afford to give him, but I don't want to as he doesn't need it and it wouldn't leave me with much. How do I resolve this without causing bad feeling?

Taking this MMD as an example, and looking at it from another angle, what advise would you give the son in the following circumstances...?

Assume he hasn't been given anything yet, but a little while later, either the parent or the daughter each get themselves into a bit of a financial pickle, and they approach the son to help them out, financially.

They ask for a loan, for say £10k, but in reality they are asking for a gift, as they have no prospect of being able to pay him back.

What would you do if you were the son?

izawa

If my child ask, i will give gladly.

I dont have a child but if I had one, i would give anytime.

Susiediy

I think you have been very unfair. I’m in a similar situation. I have worked all my life and done well whereas my brother has been a benefits scrounger most of his life. My mother has given my brother money in the past to help him out whereas I got nothing, even when I was going through a rough period, and now she has cut me out of her will because in her words I don’t need the money! It isn’t about money it’s about fairness and why should my brother be rewarded for choosing not to work. Needless to say I have nothing to do with her or him now. I treat my own sons exactly the same, if I give one some money to help out, the other gets the same amount, irrespective of whether they need it or not. You don’t say whether your daughter has made any effort to save for her deposit herself or not but I think you should have given them £20k each.

Username03725

Odd to see so many posters equating wanting similar treatment with him 'demanding' his share, and others who have been similarly disadvantaged saying 'I didn't get equal treatment so neither should this chap either'.

I do agree with those pointing out that him having done well doesn't mean a boost to his financial situation wouldn't be welcome or useful. His bills and other outgoings will presumably be at a level that matches his income, unless he's chosen to live in a run-down terrace whilst earning a decent salary. Outgoings are generally commensurate with income. And why shouldn't he want to be treated equally by his own mother? His sister got a house out of her share of the deal, which gave her a nice place to live and will only increase in value. Is our man barred from having something that improves his quality of life just for having the temerity to have done well for himself? Maybe his offspring would benefit. And whose to say that the grandparent would have wanted him to be treated differently with their hard-earned assets?

The son has a moral right to a gift of similar value. Anything else is morally unfair, which was the original question, not whether it should be retained until death.

Pollycat

Just to point out that this is a MMD dating back to 5th March 2024.

badmedic

You don’t owe any of your children anything, you’re not here on this earth to provide anyone an inheritance. You received money from your father‘s house. That was your money which you could choose to spend anyway you wish. 

You gave £40,000 to your daughter as a deposit on a house that was your choice but making that choice does not give your son an entitlement to the same amount of money.

I’ve always given to my four children money or items as and when they’ve needed them. I have never thought well I’m giving one £1000 so I then have to give all four £1000, at any given time that might have made me unable to help any of them when they needed it.

You make it clear that giving your son £40,000 as it appears he is demanding would leave you short or financially vulnerable.

The simple answer is don’t do it, if your son chooses to fall out with you then he does.
If he falls out with you and refuses to see you then don’t leave him anything in your will.

As I say you owe nothing to anybody. This is your money and you should spend it or save it as you wish