Money Moral Dilemma: My son wants me to give him £40,000 even though he doesn't need it - should I?

DullGreyGuy

horsewithnoname said:

It’s your money, do as you see fit. Treating people fairly doesn’t necessarily mean treating them the same. 

If one of your kids needed a motorised wheelchair would the other want something of the same value, or would they just be glad they didn’t need the same thing?

Not a good parallel given the daughter didnt need a wheelchair or another device to help with a disability or illness but help getting a better mortgage and who wouldn't want to be able to pay off £40k from their mortgage no matter how much you earn?

Agree fairly doesn't mean the same but struggle to see how this can be seen as fair through any lens unless the OP has failed to mention they gave their son £60k a couple of years ago to help them get their mortgage and gave nothing to their daughter at that time

SadieO

enthusiasticsaver said:

We have always tried to treat our daughters the same even though their circumstances are different. 

My parents in law are just like this. It's hard to say who is doing "better" out of me and OH or BiL and his wife. They have a much higher income than us (BiL earns more than what we do between us) but also two kids and very high outgoings. We don't have kids but live in a much higher cost of living area. But we have few outgoings, no commuting costs etc etc. So many variables that is hard to say. 

Parents in law have never tried to determine "need" when giving gifts. They simply want to treat both of their sons equally and also they understand (which OP doesn't seem to) that the person with the fancier job, nicer house, two cars etc might still have cash flow problems, debts or costs that the parent doesn't know about etc. And even if one person has a £150k job and the other a minimum wage one, either of them could lose that tomorrow and the previously higher earning one could actually be worse off as they have higher mortgage payments or other commitments. Lots of people are doing well on the surface but just a payday or two away from losing everything. OP's son could be one of those people. 

Parents in law are so fastidious about this that once we went to visit and MiL handed us £30. She taken BiL and his wife out for lunch and then immediately put the same amount in an envelope for us! She said "well if you were there I'd have paid for you too! So here is some money for you to go and treat yourselves, because you missed out on lunch!" Bless her. Obviously we never expected that but we appreciated it! Less for the £30 and more for what it represented. 

horsewithnoname

DullGreyGuy said:

horsewithnoname said:

It’s your money, do as you see fit. Treating people fairly doesn’t necessarily mean treating them the same. 

If one of your kids needed a motorised wheelchair would the other want something of the same value, or would they just be glad they didn’t need the same thing?

Not a good parallel given the daughter didnt need a wheelchair or another device to help with a disability or illness but help getting a better mortgage and who wouldn't want to be able to pay off £40k from their mortgage no matter how much you earn?

Agree fairly doesn't mean the same but struggle to see how this can be seen as fair through any lens unless the OP has failed to mention they gave their son £60k a couple of years ago to help them get their mortgage and gave nothing to their daughter at that time

My parents gave my sibling a fair chunk of money when it was needed. I didn’t get similar at any point because I was fortunate enough not to need it. 

All perfectly fair. 

jefm

I don’t think you are being unfair I gave my sons money for a deposit for a house at different times in their lives when they needed it. I did however write it up as a loan and only gifted it some years later. This ensured that they took nothing for granted. Too late for you I guess now to do this but your son does need to recognise that you may need the money later in life. Perhaps a compromise of 10k each year over the next 4 years? 

Condiem

I think you should give your son the same so they have been treated equally and have an early inheritance. It is not a guarantee that you’ll have the money when you die.  If you go into a care home they will take your savings first then your house.  You say you won’t have much left but isn’t it enough to have some fun with? You don’t want to cause any bad feeling between the family.  Unless you ask your daughter to pay back the £40k call it a loan. 

JD6161

I have always treated my 3 boys equally. So what I give to one to help out in a particular situation then I give the same to the other 2. Otherwise in my opinion you are showing favouritism. I am not surprised your son is upset, their differences in their financial situations should not be a factor. And as another person has pointed out, £40k now, is very different from £40k in however many years time.

onomatopoeia99

Your mistake was giving the money to your daughter if you weren't also able to give the same to your son.  As soon as you favour one child over the other you will cause resentment.  Ascribing "need" to one of them as the other has done something on their own that the other "needs" your money to achieve is fundamentally unfair, unless your actions in the past caused your daughter not to have the opportunities that your son had.

My parents were scrupulous in treating me and my sibiling equally, if a gift were given to one, the same would always be given to the other (and they certainly weren't gifts in "house deposit" territory).  They never gave my brother less because he earns double what I do, he's worked in a way that I couldn't to get the job he has and he deserves it.

dibbyf15

No - don't give him a penny.  Tell him he doesn't need it [you do], stand on his own two feet and he will get it in due course. 

Peppa537

I've always believed you should treat your children the same, however well off they appear to be. Your son may have a good job but how big is his mortgage? This is exactly the kind of thing that can tear a family apart and as others have said £40k may be worth a lot more now than it will be when he gets his share. If I was in this position I would have spoken to my seemingly well off child to see if they were happy with this first, and if not, given the money that I could afford equally to them both. 

ESACNALA

Sometimes in life you cannot please all of your children and if they have a partner other influences also come into the situation.  It is desirable that all our children love each other and do not resent what we do for any of them.  As a parent I think it is not always possible to treat each one exactly the same particularly when making financial decisions for the future.  If one of my children was extremely wealthy and one was poor then I would offer more financial help to the poor one if possible.  If the rich one then resented this then I think that would say more about that child than myself.  Like others I think it is wise to talk to all involved so they can relate to such decisions and hopefully avoid upset and conflict.