Money Moral Dilemma: My son wants me to give him £40,000 even though he doesn't need it - should I?

Julia1960

I think you may have already answered your own question here - “even though he doesn’t need it”. Clearly I don’t know you but you sound like an extremely kind and generous person, and unfortunately your son is taking advantage of your good nature. If he were a good son he would be putting your needs first rather than his own desires (yes, his “desires” rather than “his needs” as you’ve already said he doesn’t need this). You have been completely fair in reassuring him he will receive his £40,000 so it’s not as if you have cut him off from this inheritance. I feel strongly that if you do give in to your son’s demands, you will regret that decision and also probably resent him in the long run for what he has made you do. I’m sorry to say it but he is acting immaturely. If you give him this money now, he will never grow up and be able to see things through anyone’s eyes but his own. Hope this helps.

emmasauntie

my mum had an inheritance recently. My brother and his wife are very well off and Im single with a dependant dog and am not well off. She split it and gave us both half. Im totally fine with that, he bought a boat, Ipaid off a lump of my mortgage, we both got what we wanted, so yes the son needs it too

MattMattMattUK

My parents always treated my sister differently to me and it drove a huge wedge between us and made me resent my parents for a long time. When my sister wanted to buy a house they gave her £30k before she had even properly started looking, when I started looking I got told I should go out less and save more for a deposit (I never asked for, or even mentioned getting money from them). When she bought they gave her £5k for furniture, paid for all the blinds and curtains and helped her out a lot with other things after, when I bought I got a card and some flowers. My dad is now dead, so that will never get resolved. Luckily my sister recognises the difference in how we were treated and we now get on great, she spent the first twenty five years of her life be blissfully (and possibly deliberately) ignorant of it though, which is where the wedge originally came from. There were lots of other difference from early childhood to adulthood where my parents treated my sister far more favourably, my mum has now acknowledged that although only in a very limited way and has also recognised, when heavily prompted by my sister, that I have done more for them than she did. Now I am older, late thirties, I just chalk it up to "it is what it is", but it has and always will tarnish my relationship with my mum. You have chosen to favour your daughter over your son, that was always going to have implications for your relationship. 

recyclingfun

I would have given them both £20,000 each at the beginning but if that's too late now, then I would give your son £20,000 and get him to pay it towards his mortgage (assuming he has one) and you will still have some money left for yourself.

confusedgranny

No  you don't know when you will need money and he may not be in the position to help you out, or willing to do so. But if you wanted to make them more equally you could leave the first £40,000 inflation linked to today's prices. Talk to them both about the wording so that they agree it is fair

jedav

It's your money, to do with as you wish.  However your children might see that differently.  The concept of "fairness" could be justified on equality of opportunity (£40k each) or according to (perceived) need.  That's your prerogative.

You're hope that it won't cause bad feeling is probably in vain as people will have their own opinions that you are unlikely to change - sorry.

The comment about potential reservation of benefit claims in the event of your needing care and the local authority getting involved is valid.  Potentially they could seek to claw back the money from both of your children.  Also consider Inheritance tax implications if you were to die within seven years (amounts will be added to your assets in calculating the taxable value of your estate).

Can you discuss it with him?  He may have reasons for "needing" it about which you have no knowledge.

Good luck!

MrRational

You’re being unfair to your son (nothing wrong with that - life’s not equal) - clearly In real terms your son will gain less. Your children’s financial circumstances are not your issue - if you had two grown up children, one on benefits & one a millionaire - would you just disinherit the wealthy one? Of course not? Now if the wealthy one wants to be generous to his/her sibling after your death - that’s a matter for his/her conscience.

Oxfordboy

I think he's being totally unreasonable asking for it especially if he doesn't need the money.  Tell him if he doesn't like it you will change your will and leave it all to your daughter as he sounds a very greedy individual who doesn't seem to care about you just money 

Anonymous82

As a sibling with parents who have often treated us differently with money, I don't think you should be giving your son the money now.

I have a brother who has always been worse off/worse with money than me and my other brother, and my parents have helped him out at times and not given us the same. I don't begrudge this, I also don't expect it to be made even in the will. 

It's my parents money to do as they wish with, when I was younger, my parents have helped me out. When I've been away with my Mum, she's treated me to a drink or an ice cream, I don't expect she then gives my brother's the same.

My parents love us all and treat us as individuals and support us as we need. 

You have gone above and beyond by making it even in the will. Tell your son to read these comments and think about you and what you need for your future, not what he WANTS!! 

Andrewsmith2261

Are you sure someone isnt pulling the wool over your eyes, £40,000 for a deposit on a house, me thinks there already doing pretty well thank you very much, how much deposit did you give your son, none i take it, someones crying poor me and living in a £400,000 house, sounds to me like you've been duped and i would advise you to be very careful with the rest of that cash as there may be another crisis that calls for you to help her out again in the near future