Money Moral Dilemma: My son wants me to give him £40,000 even though he doesn't need it - should I?

Tina7C

MSE_Kelvin said:

This week's MoneySaver who wants advice asks...

After selling my recently-deceased dad's house, I gave my daughter £40,000 as a deposit on a house. As my son has a very good job and already has a house, I had my will rewritten to say that he will get the first £40,000 from my house when the time comes, to make things fair. But my son wants the money now, which I could just about afford to give him, but I don't want to as he doesn't need it and it wouldn't leave me with much. How do I resolve this without causing bad feeling?

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I think you are acting unfair. To reward one of your children as the other one has to wait is totally unfair no matter what the circumstances are. 

torus

Your son may have a good job now but things can change.  What if something happened in his life and he can no longer work. I would treat my children equally in terms of gifts no matter what their current financial position. 

torus

gilesco said:

If this presents a dilemma for you then I think you know you are being unfair and harsh on your son.
I would suggest you put £40,000 now in an Investment account and buy investments with it. Then bequeath the account to him in your will.

Investing in stocks and shares could mean the money would be worth considerably less than £40k in years to come. 

Hazel29

It is a pity that the question has been asked after the daughter has been given £40,000.  I believe that in most cases treating children differently is a mistake that leads to bad feeling for years to come.  It would have been better to compromise either have given each child £20,000 or none to either of them.  I agree with some other respondents that the questioner might need the money for when he is older as it looks as if we'll have to be more self-sufficent in the future as safety nets are removed.

Kessler

Splitting exactly the same amount to both your children would avoid any favoritism and most importantly avoid creating any sour feelings. It almost feels like your son has being penalized for being successful. 
Communicate effectively to your son regarding the decision you took and why. 40k in the future is NOT the same as 40k today.

AMOHARA

I would be very upset if my parents had given so much to my sibling and nothing to me on the grounds that they felt one needed it and one didn't. Sounds like you have really upset your son and are in danger of damaging the relationship between you and him and also potentially between him and his sister. 

john_evmk

I have two daughters - one appears to be more successful than the other but she has just lost her job as a result of a restructuring. Being in a position to help we have offered financial help and we have decided that it would not be a loan (they are after all getting their inheritance early). We have also decided that whatever we give to one we will give to the other, as we have always done. My joke with both of them is that they remember how we look out for them when they are choosing our care homes!!! This is how I would approach the matter - but none of us know the back story on the dilemma that has been posted. That well known phrase, choices have consequences comes to mind. My only advice would be that it might have been better to sought help with the decision before making it. The choices that were made have consequences. Only time will tell if the consequences were the right choice.

Shortlands_Shopper

It’s a tough dilemma, I think it’s fair to say that in hindsight you should have thought this through a bit better, don’t you?

I don’t believe you can favour your children though, did you not give birth to them both after all? I respect the fact that you say you cannot afford to give your son £40k, but ask yourself what you would have done if you did not come into this money? Your son doing well for himself, buying a property, working hard to have a good job is because of his determination, you should not penalise him for this. 

My mother and I were estranged for over 12 years, but in 2015 she was left some money by someone she cared for in his last years of living. I was surprised to hear my sister share that mother wanted to gift me her eldest daughter £10k the same amount as she did my half brother & sister even though we didn’t talk. I had trouble accepting at first, even though we had just bought a house that needed a full renovation as I thought it was her way trying to get back into my life. I accepted it because it was the right thing to do and because her conscience told her to do the right thing.

9 years on she sadly has Alzheimer’s and is now in a care home, had she not gifted us that money back then and put it in her will, she would have spent in on the care home fees, so I’m glad we were treated equally. I invested the £10k into a brand new SLK and last year when my health declined I sold the car and got back £12.5k. Mother’s gift is now funding me having time off work to sort my health out, so I can get better to return to the corporate world where before Christmas I left a six figure salary. I am in fact the equivalent of your son here, only child to be on property ladder and have had a well paid career. I truly hope my story helps you to make the right decision, I truly believe you do need to find a way to put this wrong right. 

DebbiO

Situations like this just create resentment and drive a wedge between siblings. Favouritism will leave a bad taste for a long time to come. My husband and I are both in this exact situation, both being perceived as the child who doesn't need the money. Relationships with our siblings will never be the same, we worked hard to get we are and all of us had the exact same opportunities. 

oaksandacorns

I'd feel heartbroken if I discovered my parents were treating my brother and I differently. If they gave me money and not him, I'd feel awful, I'd not accept it. 

I wouldn't treat my kids differently either, I wouldn't give pocket money to one and tell the other to wait til next month as they have some money left in their piggyback so don't need any. I wouldn't punish him for seemingly doing well for himself, I'd celebrate it. 

If you can't afford to treat them the same, you should ask your daughter to start paying you back and apologise to your son.