Money Moral Dilemma: My son wants me to give him £40,000 even though he doesn't need it - should I?

yorkieborn

I would give your son £20,000 now, then when you pass away, your son would get the first £20,000 of your estate, explain you need some money to keep you on the right side ofcost of living, bills, holidays etc.

skinnylegs

I think that the children should be treated equally.

Gdrops

I totally understand why your son wants his 40K now 
1) 40K in a decade or more will be worth much less so he'd like his 40K share now to possibly invest or spend. 
2) he likely is thinking if you need care then his 40K share will be non-existent by the time you die & he'll get nothing. 
I'm guessing he's understandably feeling a bit peeved with your decision, making a new will which allocates his 40K in some unknown point in the future when you die without considering the above points.  

Firstly, I'd sit down & chat with him to hear why he wants the money now; apologise to him that in hindsight maybe it wasn't the wisest decision by simply giving him 40K in your will on your death as it won't be equivalent to his sisters 40K, but significantly less or possibly nothing to give him at all; and maybe offer meet him half way & give him £20K as a starting place but also point out your needs why it's not 40K now. 

You're human and it's always easier to look back in hindsight & wish you'd done things differently but the key is acknowledging where you're at now & working to make things better.  

gloriouslyhappy

“how would you feel if he took his own life, down to more than just the money, ie mum cares far more for my sister than me ?”

What an over-reaction! Op must have told him he’s in the will for £40k as he told her he’d rather have it now so it’s highly unlikely he’ll commit suicide. 

And besides, it’s her money to give away. If he already owns a house and the daughter doesn’t, helping her get on the property ladder now is a nice thing to do for her.

rdsaver

I’m quite surprised by the responses here.
References to ‘his’ or ‘her’ £40,000 are irrelavant, nether of  the children are ‘entitled’ to anything.
its not ‘their’ money, its mums.

while the Son might be upset/hurt/angry/annoyed etc these are his problems and the result of an ‘expectation’ or sense of entitlement on his part. 

It’s unfortunate the son feels this way, and mum could perhaps of considered this as a possible reaction. 

But that’s not the question,

At the end of the day, grandad gave the money to his daughter, not the grandkids.

The money is mum’s for her to do with as she sees fit.  Again it’s not theirs, or their ‘right’ to receive anything.

anyone who has an expectation that they will receive any kind of inheritance is setting themselves up for disappointment, particularly in relation to care costs, but also, parents and grandparents may have already decided to leave their estate to charity, other specific persons either inside the family or not or split it in ways not expected.
and that’s the key word. ‘Expected’

inheritance is not right to be expected at all,

Its the result of someone last act or decision about what is theirs (no one else’s)
not to be second guessed.

mum should feel good she is able help the daughter, perhaps sad the son has reacted this way.
but children do not have the right to expect to be treated equally, people are different and have different needs.
parents will alway do what they feel is best, and may cause hurt inadvertently… but that’s life.
you can’t win them all.

jenniewb

MSE_Kelvin said:

This week's MoneySaver who wants advice asks...

After selling my recently-deceased dad's house, I gave my daughter £40,000 as a deposit on a house. As my son has a very good job and already has a house, I had my will rewritten to say that he will get the first £40,000 from my house when the time comes, to make things fair. But my son wants the money now, which I could just about afford to give him, but I don't want to as he doesn't need it and it wouldn't leave me with much. How do I resolve this without causing bad feeling?

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OK, too many details left out:

You "gave" your daughter that money, or you have it on loan? My sister bought a house with her husband, they needed help to raise the deposit; my family borrowed her the money. She pays them back, she owes them this because at the end of the day money is money and everyone "needs" it in some way.

Your son "wants" the money. Did he demand? Did he explain why he "wants" it? Maybe he "needs" it to but until you know why he "wants" it it's impossible to decide. If he "wants" the question then is who needs it more; him or you and if it's your cash to give it's up to you to decide who needs it most, but may I direct you to Maslows Hierachy of need before deciding who "needs" the money more

When you've decided if you want to gift or loan your son the money may I suggest you ask the same question to your daughter? Because yes we all need a place to live, but no one "needs" to buy a house, it's just nice and a bit reassuring if we can, that is not the same thing  

elliew8

I agree with others here that it probably should have been split 20k each. There are clearly a lot of family dynamics at play here and as a mother I’m not sure I’d have felt comfortable giving one 40k without affording to do the same for my other children. Equally, if any of my children started trying to demand money from me that they knew I couldn’t afford I’d be heartbroken.
However, I’m surprised not one person here has mentioned the sibling relationship! If my brother had needed money for a deposit (not through bad choices or lack of hard work) then I would be supportive of my parents financially helping him because I love my brother and want him to be happy. This did actually happen to me (albeit a smaller amount of 10k) and my parents told me, they also insisted it was accounted for in their will. 

I can see why some would allow it to affect their relationship with their parents but for me, any sense of entitlement would be overridden by empathy/ generosity towards a sibling. 

CapeTown

Your son is an adult. You have made allowances in your will. You CANNOT afford it at the moment.  Do not impoverish yourself for this. I would have been horrified if my mother was counting pennies because of her generosity. 

thegrifter59

Whilst I agree that you shouldn't put yourself into financial distress to rectify the issue you have caused by unfairly favouring your daughter. I do think that you should have considered more carefully beforehand, just because he already owns a house and has a good job doesn't mean he has no money worries.

gilesco

If this presents a dilemma for you then I think you know you are being unfair and harsh on your son.
I would suggest you put £40,000 now in an Investment account and buy investments with it. Then bequeath the account to him in your will.

Wills get written and forgotten, and by experience, I've found that when they get executed they seldom reflect the actual wishes of the departed. £40,000 will be a pittance to your son compared with the equity that the £40,000 your daughter received will be worth when you pass away.