Money Moral Dilemma: My son wants me to give him £40,000 even though he doesn't need it - should I?

Morgyfluffy60

I don’t think offspring have to be treated the same - people have different needs. But both need to feel equally valued & unfortunately money is a quantifiable way that this can be judged. I would have approached this by discussing it as a group of 3 beforehand, there might have been agreement about what should be done with the limited funds, even if the distribution was not equal. But I don’t think It’s too late to have a conversation, though the possible hurt caused will need to be acknowledged by all & you will have to say sorry. Daughter has had £40k, if you can comfortably give son £20k (notionally) & keep what you need, daughter can perhaps agree to pay bro the other £10k in instalments?

tomhill

Personally, I agree with the people who think that your son has a legitimate grievance here. If paying him an equal share would leave you short, then the easiest solution would probably be to get your house valued and pre-allocate that to him as a share of your will. So, if your house is worth £200k then £40k is 20% of the value. 

That'd be a partial hedge against inflation, though perhaps an slightly risky one for your son since house prices are at an all time high and arguably are likely to perform poorly relative to general inflation.

Missy15

I am the mother of 2 children in their early 40's, one, the son has a wife & young family,  a good job nice house etc. daughter is single, owns  a small flat and has a reasonable job .
Last year my parents in their 90's decided to give  £2,000 ( not a huge amount, granted but..)to my  daughter to help finance a move to another property ( which didn't happen) saying she needs it more than grandson.
I was angry in that, I felt both should have have been treated the same, or not at all.
My son has always helped his grandparents, visited them regularly, daughter has not seen her grandparents in years, but took their money.
They said the same thing, she needs it more!
I see it as, first and foremost, disloyal to a loving grandson and secondly, pro rata both have similar lifestyles in that his good wage has to accommodate more, and her reasonable wage less. 
He was hurt, but continues to see his grandparents, she doesn't, and they are hurting.
£40,000 is a huge amount to give to only one of your children, my son won't get anything from his grandparents now, as they are both in a home and  virtually out of cash.
You could be in a similar situation in the future.

riding_pink

Please make sure your daughter reads this thread and realises what a difficult situation she’s put you in by accepting money she knew her brother wouldn’t get. 

I have two siblings. One spends money like water but it wouldn’t surprise me to hear the other has 20k under a mattress. I’d hate if the one who has been responsible with money was penalised to benefit the one who has not. As I don’t have children both benefit equally in my will. 

pseudonymous

It's hard from a brief post to understand all the complexity of family relationships. As others have said for your son this might seem like one more example of repeated 'favouritism', maybe he made sacrifices for his nice life whilst your daughter didn't or has money worries you don't know about.
That said, and going just off the info provided I would say that this is your inheritance. If you choose to use it to help your daughter that's fine, if you decide to spend it all on cruises that's fine too. In hindsight it would have been diplomatic to tell your son what you planned to do first, but he has no 'right' to demand he gets £40k now. Tbh if he behaved like that I'd be tempted not to put it in your will at all as it just reinforces the idea that he is somehow entitled. Needs to grow up.

Zabadak!

Of course your son is upset by your generosity to your daughter. How do you know he doesn’t need the money? Presumably he had to save hard to get a house deposit, what was the reason your daughter couldn’t have saved hard too? £40,000 is a lot of money to gift to one child and not another, why did she need £40,000? How much had she managed to save herself? Is she going to come back for more if she’s already struggled to save up? £20,000 each would have been fairer. Her £40,000 will end up being worth a darn sight more that your sons when/if he gets his inheritance. I find it difficult you cannot see his point of view. Don’t forget, you may need to pay for care in later life, your sons share may disappear and they could well come after you for giving such a large sum away. You should have thought long and hard about the consequences before you gifted the money away, did you really expect your son to be happy about it?

Shell1989

Ideally, you wouldn't have given £40,000 to your daughter and nothing to your son. Why should your son's success in comparison to his sister feel like a punishment? The only fair thing to do is to give him £40,000 now - the damage has already been done, but this will go some way to fixing it. Or, ask your daughter for £10,000 back and give your son £30,000 - thereby leaving yourself with £20,000....

telsco

Tell your son you want to live life to the full while you are able and you can't do that by giving him the money now and then worrying for the rest of your time on this planet about not having enough money for yourself to be happy. If he wants you to be happy he won't say any more about it. If he still wants the money then cut him out your will and don't let him have any power of attorney.

Lindagreenacre

As has already been said, if you get to a point where you need care and the council steps in, they will be able to see that you gave away £40,000 and it can be termed as deprivation of assets. How thoroughly they check, I don't know.  I was left money in my sister's will, although she also wanted my son to benefit, but for personal reasons, was not allowed to do it by the solicitor.  Ok, when she died, I organised a deed of variation, so that £40,000 of the money did not come from me and it will not impact on me if I go into care.

Ainskat

It's your money and you can do what you like with it. I think that you are asking the question because you want others to tell you that you've made the right decision. Unfortunately you have favoured your daughter because you felt that her need was greater but in doing that you are leaving your son feeling that he has been unfairly treated. I don't think it's unreasonable of him to feel that way. When the time comes for him to receive his money it may no longer be there and even if it is, it will certainly not have the same value in years to come. I think you made what you felt was the right decision but your reasoning is flawed.