Money Moral Dilemma: My son wants me to give him £40,000 even though he doesn't need it - should I?

mazzyb_3

As many forumites have said, your decision to give only one child £40k (a huge sum) when you couldn’t afford to treat them both equally, was unwise and in hindsight, also unfair. What if your son’s circumstances suddenly change for the worse e.g. his job or health? Life crises can come out of nowhere.  Your action is likely to cause a rift between your children. 

purpleelephant60

To me, treating my children equally means giving each one what they need at the time they need it, whether that be financial support, emotional support, childcare etc. Your daughter needed the money. Your son didn't. He may need something from you in the future, which I'm sure you will give him if you possibly can. 

Bigman70

If you gave your daughter £40k then why not your son? You say he doesn't need it but that isn't the point; you are showing favouritism and this can only lead one way.

KenWDen

Definately unfair, son by working hard has been penalised for doing so. Plus 40K now is worth much more than 40K in your will. Sorting it in will,  will be tricky to square with your daughter, but you won't be a problem unless you tell her beforehand or she finds out. Your son's outgoings, ie mortgage etc will be higher now, far  more than your daughters, with current interest rates. He may be desperate now and need money now not in 20 years or so when likely to be more comfortable. For others in a similar situation, how would you feel if he took his own life, down to more than just the money, ie mum cares far more for my sister than me ?

sclare

So you're offering him money that might not exist when you die as it may well be taken for care costs, or at best will be worth a fraction of what it is now. 
You've also damaged not just your relationship with him, but probably the relationship between him and your daughter. 

Should he be pestering you for the money? No. But there's no getting away from the fact that you've shown favouritism here. You should have taken advice before doing this. 

I don't know what the answer is now. You can't leave yourself without, in order to even it up. I can only suggest that you apologise for your thoughtlessness and assure him that he is loved as much as your daughter. Because he'll be doubting it right now. 

LAMBS60

If you could only just afford to give him the same amount, why did you give your daughter so much ? As others have said , having a home and a good job doesn’t mean that you have no money worries . How did he get the job and the house ? By luck or by hard work ? If he has worked hard to achieve these things , doesn’t he deserve a share ?What if he lost his job and couldn’t afford his mortgage ? COVID was totally unexpected, but many lost jobs and homes .Why does your daughter deserve so much money ? Has she worked hard but been unlucky? you should have shared what you could afford between them . A very divisive action 

teachkate

I really think you should have discussed this with both your children both you made any decision- you are setting up a potential lifelong animosity between them after you e gone. 

Our single daughter (now 37) was determined to study medicine as a second degree - we wanted to support her. We had a discussion with our two older sons explaining this is what we would like to do but could only do it with their consent. 

Both of our boys agreed 100% that they wanted to support their sister. 

devonconveyancer

Let's start with one particular fact - IT IS YOUR MONEY - NOT HIS!  He has no "right" to ANYTHING!  I totally disagree with anyone who says you have been unfair.  Your daughter is in need now and what parent would not help out.  
Let me tell you my story - my brother is 10 years old and extremely wealthy in his own right, through his own hard work.  Sadly, I am in a much poorer financial position due to the fact that my late ex-husband drank away everything we had and never told me he was not paying the mortgage, hiding the repossession Court papers from me, and then he walked out when I found out we were being repossessed (too late for me to do anything to stop it).  At 40 I had to start all over again, but I never asked anyone for any help and got back on my feet by myself, although I will never be financial comfortable.
Our mother died and left a very small amount of money to be shared between us - did my brother need it (a little over £2k), did he hell!!!  He had a property portfolio, a huge detached house and grounds mortgage free.  But did I dare suggest I needed his £2k - no way!!! My mum did what she wanted with HER MONEY, and it was not for me to argue.

So you do what you feel is right WITH YOUR MONEY - and blow what anyone else says!

Katecooks

My husband's aunt said exactly the same thing. She willed her property (a large farm) and belongings (worth over a million) to a neighbour because she felt sorry for him because he had debts (having overspent on new cars and holidays) rather than her nephews and nieces 'because they have been successful enough and don't need it as much". Of course, the decision was hers to make - maybe she just didn't like the nephews & nieces to leave them anything - but it feels like she's punished them for working hard and saving. Your son will feel the same way (but it's much worse because you are his mother), and that you are punishing him for doing okay in life. It would have been better if you had given both an equal hand-out even if that meant your daughter would have a smaller deposit to buy a house. Ultimately though it's your money, your choice, but perhaps your daughter should have thought about how your son would feel when she accepted the £40,000.

primrose_penguin

I do not understand why you gave your daughter such a large sum leaving yourself short of money, I know you wanted to help her with a deposit for a house but by doing that you have created an unpleasant situation between you and your son and your son and his sister. I think you would have been better giving them £20,000 each if you wanted them to have some of your fathers inheritance now, and leave yourself with a sum of money for your future. Your son may already have a house but his mortgage may be quite high, especially after all the interest rate increases. He is being rather rude and insensitive demanding his share from your money but unfortunately you set a precedent when your gave your daughter the £40,000. If your daughter has not yet bought a house could you explain things to her and suggest the £40,000 is shared between her and her brother? To tell him he will get his £40,000 when the time comes after your house is sold is a bit unknown as others have said, you may need to go into care and that will have to be paid for from the sale of your house, or the £40,000 will not be worth that amount in years to come. Sadly a good but not totally thought out gesture has caused bad feelings, I hope you can sort things out without giving up all your inheritance, after all your father left his money to you, not his Grandchildren.