Money Moral Dilemma: My son wants me to give him £40,000 even though he doesn't need it - should I?

BlueNoseChas

Joeysmall said:

You should treat All of your children ‘the same’ at all times. If you give one £40k, you should give the other  £40k, not ask him  to wait till you die. If you only have £40, give each £20….whether they need it or not,…otherwise don’t give any. Seems like you seek to penalise your son for doing well. When they were little, did you give your daughter an ice cream, but not your son cos he didn’t look like he wanted one???

 
Who are you to tell someone else how they treat their kids though?

I don't like one of my kids and he don't like me so believe me when I say I won't treat him the same as his older brother for the rest of my days.

Maybe OP has similar feelings towards the son but for some inexplicable reasons feels a degree of guilt, which I most definitely do not. There's no law against disliking, or even hating, members of your own family so trying to preach  complete strangers on the interwebs anything contrary to that is overstepping the mark in my humble opinion.

enthusiasticsaver

We have always tried to treat our daughters the same even though their circumstances are different.  I don't think you should have given the whole £40k to your daughter. If you could only spare £40k you should have given £20k each. It will lead to bad feeling and your son is obviously realising you treated them differently.  £40k at some point down the line may not be worth the same and there is no guarantee there will be anything left anyway if you need care. 

AnnikaJuarez

I think it's a bit rude and selfish to ask for money right now. What about if you need that money and you want to enjoy your life for a bit. What about unforeseen circumstances when you will need that money? For me, it sounds like your son is just gonna waste them. But maybe he has this common sibling jealousy, and he thinks that you love him less for not giving him money right now.

OmoEgba

While giving your daughter money may seem like favouritism to some your son's entitlement is what is wrong with the world today. You've taken care of your children since birth and YOUR inheritance is yours to do with a you wish. However, you should have spoken to both of them before giving your daughter money.
Besides no one should expect to inherit their parents money/property.

Bazzalona13295

bluelad1927 said:

Bazzalona13295 said:

You are being as fair as you can so no, don't back down and as the previous poster says look after yourself too.

This isn't 'fair as you can'. That would be giving the same amount to each now.

This isn't to say the OP has to be fair. They can do as they please.

Either way its for the OP to decide what is fair, being put under pressure by her son won't help the matter.

PegasusPJ

funny how most people here seem to equate doing well financially as working hard, but struggling as being feckless or wasteful..

the son might be a banker and the daughter a nurse and doesn't mean one works harder than the other despite considerable income difference. he also might have a double income and she's single.

it is regrettable you didn't talk to both of them in advance, but I don't see why children need to be treated the same, at the same time. 
do you give the same pocket money to a 7yo and 15yo? 

and btw, my parents gave an equivalent amount to their son 25 years ago to pay off debt (not his fault), and also just adjusted the will for me and my sister.

it did not cross my mind for a second to ask for the money from them, even though I could have used it (but did not NEED it). I just knew that he needed it and I love him.. and that if I ever did need money myself at some point, my parents would also try to help me.

dekaspace1

I don't know whats the best here but for some feelings of mine.

I have mostly been thrifty my entire adult life except up till I was about 24 I had times where I spent i.e I may of been unemployed for a few months or even a year, then treat myself for a while then put money aside then when I lose my job I have something saved.

I remember being toild I "had" money and didn't struggle but the people that told me that were the ones that even if they had better paid jobs and may even of had less basic outgoings liked more luxuries or had a different view of basics.

I walked to work and back, they wanted a car and rather than just a cheap car to get from A to B it had to be a certain type, rather than live in something like a flat share they wanted their own place or even a house to rent.

I bought supermarket value range they bought branded everything and maybe even ate butchers meat.

Just because they spent their wage a few days after they got it and I had cash left didn't mean I was better off and variations of these kind of situations are common, everyone has different ideas of what is acceptable, person A may scrape every penny they have from a young age and put a deposit down for a property, person B may decide a social life is more important then wishes they had the cash to get on the property ladder years later both can have similar levels of income.

Vahlrona

Some great posts here, I agree with @DullGreyGuy a conversation should have happened to discuss fairness from the outset.

You clearly can't afford to give your son the money yet. Naively the damage is done so you need to try and salvage the relationships. 

Get a will written by a very good solicitor. Explain the situation and ask what would be the best cause of action  to take to make sure your son receives the equivalent sum when the time comes, not just inflation rises but potential interest that could be earned on that 40k. Then communicate that to both of them together in a family meeting. 

I was on the receiving end of unfairness with my dad's estate. When family money is involved, fairness needs to be at the forefront of every decision . I didn't want to be forced to deal with bitter feelings about my sister, feel the greed of money seep into our lives when my dad died and then have to find resolve, so just pay to get a good will written and communicate. 

Rob5342

riding_pink said:

I have two siblings. One spends money like water but it wouldn’t surprise me to hear the other has 20k under a mattress. I’d hate if the one who has been responsible with money was penalised to benefit the one who has not. As I don’t have children both benefit equally in my will. 

It's similar for me, one is on a very good salary but seems to spend money on everything and has got into all sorts of trouble and says they don't have enough deposit for a mortgage. The other earns a fair bit less but saved hard and bought a house 5 years ago.

MattMattMattUK

JayD said:

So sad when we are made to feel guilty about financial decisions we have made that we believe to be fair. My mother told me that I wouldn't like her will, (she was very fond of a very unpleasant grandson). I promised her that I would always respect her wishes. She made me an executor and I executed her will exactly as she had wanted. It is NOT the choice of children as to how and where parents decide to allocate their money. Your son must do as I did - RESPECT your wishes.

Respect is earned, not given.