Money Moral Dilemma: My son wants me to give him £40,000 even though he doesn't need it - should I?

gilesco

torus said:

gilesco said:

If this presents a dilemma for you then I think you know you are being unfair and harsh on your son.
I would suggest you put £40,000 now in an Investment account and buy investments with it. Then bequeath the account to him in your will.

Investing in stocks and shares could mean the money would be worth considerably less than £40k in years to come. 

You can invest in government bonds too, I would suggest a mix of both.

Zebeddie

Your son should be able to understand his sister's situation and be happy you helped her out. I'm only surprised he didn't also help her out, I know that's what I would have done.
He should also understand you need the money and if he loves and cares for you he wouldn't ask you to put yourself in a difficult financial situation.

 I really can't understand why he would ask you for £40k as this is the actions of a very selfish person, a very uncaring and uncompassionate person. Sometimes having money can turn a person greedy and it looks like this might be the case here. Stick to your guns and explain gently to your son that he has become corrupted by money and is now a bit greedy and selfish. Suggest he does some voluntary work in a food bank to better understand how lucky he is and how tough it can be for others.

HairyLass

It saddens me that this decision was made without open, honest discussion.

My older brother received £60 deposit for his first house from my parents. Around the same time I brought my first house using my own hard earnt deposit. The reason? He ‘lived in a more expensive part of the country’. The reality? He bought a larger, brand new house, I bought a small dilapidated house that I spent all my time doing up. 

Close as we are, it has always been a sore point. My parents tell me I have always been a more independent spirit, though I have always earnt far less money! Strong as I am, it still pains me to this day. 

It’s not really about the money, it was the favouritism and dismissal of my feelings. My parents saying some years later that they were sorry, that they regretted the decision and they loved us equally meant the world to me. Please don’t be pressured into financial decisions one way or the other.

This has been a hard lesson for our family. 

TheRedHerring

First and foremost if you have earnt these monies your children have no call upon them, they are yours to do with as you like, as is who you decide to benefit from your will.  Morally making a bequest in your will which rises with inflation for your son is one way of dealing with the problem, however, this may not quell the bad feeling as £40K invested could beat inflation.  Also wills are not written in stone and can be rewritten at any time but please ensure it is entirely legal.  Perhaps later on in life you may have a spare £40+K hanging around but remember to leave enough for your care and bear in mind which of your offspring is supportive in later life.  However, I have come across distant relatives that cosy up to the very elderly in their last months or year, having stayed away for decades, and then been written into wills, shame on them as the elderly are extremely vulnerable. 

Castlegalloway

Oh dear. You didn't think this through did you. Both yourself and your daughter should have known better. Unfortunately no going back now. You need a family meeting to talk it through.  Could your daughter refund half so that you can give 20K to your son. Something similar happened to me but my sisters were honourable 

JayD

So sad when we are made to feel guilty about financial decisions we have made that we believe to be fair. My mother told me that I wouldn't like her will, (she was very fond of a very unpleasant grandson). I promised her that I would always respect her wishes. She made me an executor and I executed her will exactly as she had wanted. It is NOT the choice of children as to how and where parents decide to allocate their money. Your son must do as I did - RESPECT your wishes.

raggle1_2

It is absolutely your decision what to with inheritance because it is entirely yours…  however Its not wise to make assumptions about peoples financial positions based on outward appearance ~ a good job/house doesn’t always translate into wealth/mortgage free etc. Similarly not owning a house isn’t always a sign of not being able to afford one it may be the person previously chose or chooses to prioritize spending elsewhere. In my opinion when you have more than one child its not always just about the financial impact but also the emotional impact of choosing to gift to one but not the other. Would you not want the joy of seeing both of your children benefit in their own way from your fathers estate?

However regardless of my above thoughts, choices were made for your own reasons and its about what next…

You first need to decide are you willing to put aside your current decision & perception ‘..I don't want to as he doesn't need it’? If you can’t or don’t want to then you need to stick to your original plan or a variation of. You cant give him what you don’t freely have or simply don’t want to… you will have to communicate this and will need to deal with your sons feelings and any ongoing impacts in the best way you can.

If you choose to put aside your perception and try to work a new equitable direction…  you need to decide what is ‘enough’ for yourself, is that £20000, £30000 etc etc, then this needs to be set aside as non-negotiable yours. 

If you then feel you have enough to gift £40000 to your son it’s a straightforward solution… If you haven’t got that amount then you cant gift what you haven’t got and need to have open communication with your son and daughter about your original decision, your change in position and any desire to work together as a family. Only you know how far you & your family are likely to want to create balance e.g. would you ask your daughter/would she volunteer for some of the money to be returned? Would your son with the enhanced communication understand why only a lesser amount could be gifted?

Hope you manage to work through this.

BlueNoseChas

I have two kids and my missus has two kids, they're all grown up and living with partners apart from my younger who is at Uni reading medicine perfecting his belief that the entire world owes him the world 

As I am the one who came in to our marriage with the assets as such my wife has always been happy to go with what I want when the time comes to start pushing up daisies, hence I decided that we'll leave everything we've got to my older son and her younger daughter.

The facts are that my younger son is a repugnant self entitled little worm whilst her older son is just a messer who has just caused us far too much drama over the years no matter how many chances we've given him so they both get nothing!

There's absolutely nothing wrong with treating some children more favourably than others so listen to yourself, not others!

Joeysmall

You should treat All of your children ‘the same’ at all times. If you give one £40k, you should give the other  £40k, not ask him  to wait till you die. If you only have £40, give each £20….whether they need it or not,…otherwise don’t give any. Seems like you seek to penalise your son for doing well. When they were little, did you give your daughter an ice cream, but not your son cos he didn’t look like he wanted one???

horsewithnoname

It’s your money, do as you see fit. Treating people fairly doesn’t necessarily mean treating them the same. 

If one of your kids needed a motorised wheelchair would the other want something of the same value, or would they just be glad they didn’t need the same thing?