Dealing with my difficult mother

Pollycat

MrsStepford said:

I left dealing with his mother to my husband and I didn't interfere. So I don't expect my husband to interfere either.I won' tell him what to do with a cheque payable to him. 

I don't accept money, presents, cards, letters, calls or texts from her. 

I'm pretty sure that if I had the type of relationship with my Mother (it's never been great) that you have with yours, my husband wouldn't need 'telling' what to do with a cheque payable to him sent by her.

Especially if he knew I was not accepting money, presents, cards, letters, calls or texts from her.

MrsStepford said:

 
I decided to write to my brother and tell him about the things which happened to me. She must have gotten to him as he didn.t reply. I wrote again, still no reply. 

Doesn't this tell you something?

KxMx

I fully appreciate you don't want to tell your husband how to behave, but surely telling him how you feel about him cashing the cheque is quite acceptable between a couple in a relationship? 

MrsStepford

I am not surprised that my brother didn't reply, I wasn't expecting a response. Though he' has fewer qualifications than me or my husband, he has always sneered and smirked at me/us. Major chip on shoulder I guess. Plus my mother  obviously did a good job of badmouthing me for things I didn't do so that I was seen as wilful and difficult. 

I don't tell my husband how to behave. I don't snoop in his phone or email, I don't tell him that he can't have female friends or tell him that he can only go out anywhere if I'm with him. His mother died during the first lockdown. Before then, he called, texted and visited her whenever he wanted.  I do insist that he takes his phone with him and that he sticks where he's going on the magnetic weekly planner on the freezer. Monday night he gets to unwind in his study because it's often the worst day of the week. Friday he does same to relax into the weekend. 

Close to zero nagging from me. I found it counter-productive. 

Pollycat

I don't tell my husband how to behave either.

But in circumstances that you detail, he would be totally supportive of me.

That would include not accepting money from someone whom I was doing my utmost to cut out of my life.

I would not need to ask.

I can't see the relevance of snooping (or not) through his phone & emails or having or not having female friends or what contact he had with his Mother or how he unwinds.

KayBur

Pollycat said:

I don't tell my husband how to behave either.

But in circumstances that you detail, he would be totally supportive of me.

That would include not accepting money from someone whom I was doing my utmost to cut out of my life.

I would not need to ask.

I can't see the relevance of snooping (or not) through his phone & emails or having or not having female friends or what contact he had with his Mother or how he unwinds.

Snooping, checking phones and messengers is the first step to destroying a relationship. After all, if someone wants to change, then the control of calls and correspondence will only aggravate the situation. And someone will even be pushed to treason, purely from the principle, so as not to be guilty for anything.

Pollycat

KayBur said:

Pollycat said:

I don't tell my husband how to behave either.

But in circumstances that you detail, he would be totally supportive of me.

That would include not accepting money from someone whom I was doing my utmost to cut out of my life.

I would not need to ask.

I can't see the relevance of snooping (or not) through his phone & emails or having or not having female friends or what contact he had with his Mother or how he unwinds.

Snooping, checking phones and messengers is the first step to destroying a relationship. After all, if someone wants to change, then the control of calls and correspondence will only aggravate the situation. And someone will even be pushed to treason, purely from the principle, so as not to be guilty for anything.

I appreciate that.

But I can't see anyone suggesting that the OP snoops through her partner's phone & emails, stops him having female friends, disagrees with the contact he had with his Mother (in the past) or lays the law down about how he unwinds.

The OP seems not to want to even discuss it in this manner:

KxMx said:

I fully appreciate you don't want to tell your husband how to behave, but surely telling him how you feel about him cashing the cheque is quite acceptable between a couple in a relationship? 

My OH is not the best in gauging things but I know 100% that he would realise the implications of cashing a cheque sent to him from someone I don't want anything to do with.

And would return the cheque.

And continue to do so until the message got through.

MrsStepford

Posting that I don't snoop in my husband's phone and emails was me trying to say that though our marriage is into double digits, I think giving each other space and privacy and autonomy over agreed areas of our life together, works for us, Had the cheque been written to me or both of us, it would have been tor up because my name was on it. My name wasn't on it. That's the point. 

I received a newspaper supplement recently. There was an article about someone I knew in my teens. He became famous and a drug addict, then got jailed IIRC.  Considering that she disliked him, I don't know why she sent it. It went straight in the recycling. She had rolled it up and wrapped a stamped label round it. 

I have been able to block her number on my mobile but not on my landline. She called me on her wedding anniversary, (bearing in minf that my adoptive father died 11 years ago) and I deleted it without listening to the message. It would only be a rant, telling me that I should have sent her flowers. My husband would fork out averagely £200 per year on flowers for her, in past years (birthday, wedding anniversary, anniversaru of Pa's death, Easter) an my brother didn't do that. 

Pollycat

MrsStepford said:

Posting that I don't snoop in my husband's phone and emails was me trying to say that though our marriage is into double digits, I think giving each other space and privacy and autonomy over agreed areas of our life together, works for us, Had the cheque been written to me or both of us, it would have been tor up because my name was on it. My name wasn't on it. That's the point. 

I understand the point you've made.

My point is that a lot of partners would realise and appreciate the fact that cashing a cheque - even if it is made out in your sole name - from someone their partner considers toxic and is doing their best to block from their life is sending the wrong message to the sender of the cheque.

I understand that your partner either doesn't realise or feels that having the money is more important than sending your adoptive mother a clear message.

MrsStepford said:

I received a newspaper supplement recently. There was an article about someone I knew in my teens. He became famous and a drug addict, then got jailed IIRC.  Considering that she disliked him, I don't know why she sent it. It went straight in the recycling. She had rolled it up and wrapped a stamped label round it. 

Odd behaviour.

I would have marked it 'not known at this address' and put it back in the post.

MrsStepford said:

I have been able to block her number on my mobile but not on my landline. She called me on her wedding anniversary, (bearing in minf that my adoptive father died 11 years ago) and I deleted it without listening to the message. It would only be a rant, telling me that I should have sent her flowers. My husband would fork out averagely £200 per year on flowers for her, in past years (birthday, wedding anniversary, anniversaru of Pa's death, Easter) an my brother didn't do that.

There are ways to block calls from unwanted numbers on your landline.

The fact that you knew she rang you on her wedding anniversary shows she is still getting to you.

I will ask you a question:

do you really want to cut her out of your life?

I'm reasonably new to the thread and haven't read all 15 pages.

However, on the first page you said:

MrsStepford said:

I am feeling like I don't want to know, at least for now. I can be really happy, jut being with my husband. Last week she said she hoped he would die so I would know what it's like to be on my own. I can't forgive stuff lie that. It really upsets me so much.

I really couldn't forgive anyone who said that to me.

Ever.

Sea_Shell

Is posting here helping you OP?

It seems like you're constantly picking at a scab that won't heal, unless you leave it alone.

Your thoughts seem to be taken over by her, still.

MrsStepford

I checked with my landline provider and they can only provide me with a new number free of charge. It's more hassle to notify banks etc of a change of number than just ignore the landline. I have been able to block her from my mobile. I think just disposing of correspondence in recycling is a better option than sending it back. Way back, that's what people on this thread were advising me to do.

My adoptive mother is intensely focused on herself. What she thinks I should/shouldn't do,wear, eat - everything. It must be driving her nuts that she's not able to rant down the phone at me, criticise my clothes, compare me with the perfect daughters of her friends etc etc.

We didn't want children but she wanted grandchildren. She has three from my brother plus two step-grandchildren and her first great-grandchild. According to her, they don't count and I'm selfish, not giving her grandchildren. I told her it wasn't going to happen and she really lost it. She never once babysat my brother's kids, she has nothing to do with them as young adults. Not grandmother material. 

She's predictable. I knew it was her, because of the date and because I hadn't sent flowers. She wanted a rant. I didn't answer so she didn't get one. 

In 2019 we offered to take her on holiday with us for a week, in a cute cottage on an organic farm. She said yes several times, then after I had booked it and paid the deposit, she said no. I didn't get the deposit back , We then chose somewhere else on another farm, where we didn't have to worry about it being on one level and having three bedrooms because she wanted to choose whether to have a walk-in shower or bath in the morning. 

I would cheerfully maroon her on a desert island but I think it's better to make a decision after counselling and I'm still waiting for that. 

I am doing quite a bit, working on website, my family tree, online course, bits of DIY. I'm feeling a lot happier without her.