Dealing with my difficult mother

MrsStepford

UPDATE: Received a letter from my mother today. Recognised her handwriting. Plain brown envelope, no return address, photocopier paper (her friends get the personalised stuff). I didn't read it, just ripped it in half and binned it. I don't feel at all guilty now. Not after the dog comment. 

olgadapolga

MrsStepford said:

UPDATE: Received a letter from my mother today. Recognised her handwriting. Plain brown envelope, no return address, photocopier paper (her friends get the personalised stuff). I didn't read it, just ripped it in half and binned it. I don't feel at all guilty now. Not after the dog comment. 

Good for you. Keep ignoring her, hopefully she'll eventually get the message and give up. 

jennystarpepper

MrsStepford said:

UPDATE: Received a letter from my mother today. Recognised her handwriting. Plain brown envelope, no return address, photocopier paper (her friends get the personalised stuff). I didn't read it, just ripped it in half and binned it. I don't feel at all guilty now. Not after the dog comment. 

Good for you, it will get easier. 

The last contact from a parent was by letter.  What I did was to put it unopened in another envelope addressed to them just using their initial and surname with nothing else.  For me it was telling them that I was not acknowledging their communication, fingers crossed I have heard nothing for about 5 years. 

My abuse started from my earliest memories at 3 years old.  and lasted over 40 years, (with about 30 years of this being constant).  May appear horrible to some, but I have a bit of happiness knowing one of my abusers (parent) is locked in at home (current situation ) and other siblings are just waiting to get their hands on their property / waiting for them to die.
Parent left alive is trying to influence grandchildren by telling them 'I'm going to make you my heir', who do not realise it is more manipulation on their part.  Last contact with one parent they tried to blackmail me into contact with a sibling (who was another abuser of mine), I never talked to this other parent again, didn't go to their funeral.  

In past counselling / therapy, I was told that their is not much abuse / different types of abuse I have not suffered.  It has been described as sever domestic abuse (along with a couple of other things I don't want to get into).  It has left me with complex PTSD, anxiety and depression.  

I'm not telling you this or anyone reading because of a need for empathy, it is just to say sadly their are others who know where you are coming from and you are stopping your abuser..... the tunnel is long, but a bit of light at the end if you know what I mean.

We cannot change the past, but the future does get better. x

MrsStepford

I am so sorry to read of this @jennystarpepper and I would ask anyone reading this thread, to think about the possibility of abuse within their own family. If your brother/sister/cousin has bruises, is withdrawn/shy and you are told by their parent(s) that X is difficult, please wonder why. My brother, grandparents, uncle and aunt, neighbours all believed my mother's lies. My father punished me, knowing that his small daughter had done nothing wrong at all. That is likely to be repeated in other families, too. 

I thought about sending the letter back, but I didn't want to give her the certainty of a response. She accused me of sticking around to get her money, which I wouldn't do and she wanted my husband to die. Line crossed. 

In my child logic way, I felt that if my parents didn't stick up for me, no-one else was likely to, so I had to stick up for myself and fight. I think that anger, stopped me getting major anxiety. 

I do feel much happier. I hadn't realised how much I did because she expected it and how self-centred her expectations were. My brother was happy to leave me to deal with her, so that he could get on with his career and family. She doesn't need a carer now, but he told her that instead of her going into a home later, she should get me to be her unpaid carer. There's no way I would do it.

I felt massively guilty at first, but now I don't. She has travelled the world, went to the Ritz, Waldorf, fancy restaurants etc, has jewellery plus enough clothes and shoes for a boutique. Her own car, house in the country, gardeners, holidays, wine, lots of similar Torygraph bigoted friends.  She has had a very nice life. I don't have all that. But I'm not prepared to spoil her like my father did. 

olgadapolga

MrsStepford said:

I am so sorry to read of this @jennystarpepper and I would ask anyone reading this thread, to think about the possibility of abuse within their own family. If your brother/sister/cousin has bruises, is withdrawn/shy and you are told by their parent(s) that X is difficult, please wonder why. 

And remember that abuse is not limited to the parent/child relationship. And that it can be difficult to intervene as the perceived victim may not want help.

My mother was abused in so many ways by my father throughout their marriage but never in front of me and she always had a plausible "reason" for her injuries (including having teeth knocked out by a door). It wasn't until I  left home and had training about domestic abuse that I realised what was going on. My father just got worse, the older he got and towards the end didn't care who saw the abuse. Despite my best efforts to get her away, Mum refused to leave my father. It tore me apart, knowing what she was going through but being utterly helpless to help. All I could do was take her out somewhere but even that had to stop as she said that the trouble afterwards was not worth the pleasure and relief of being away from him. She was completely jublient when he died and is so much happier now. She looks so much younger as well. 

MrsStepford

I can well believe that after his death, your mother looked younger. The source of her abuse and stress was out of the picture. I've seen photos of older people in care homes, after a year without contact with their families, looking shockingly worse. 

MrsStepford

UPDATE My birth mother's cousin did a lot of work on the family tree and I have decided to take up the baton. Going through the box file, I found my adoption records, but it seems although I had adoption counselling, I didn't get the form to send off for my original birth certificate. I emailed the agency I had used in 2002 and was then shunted to a further two agencies. Am waiting to hear back from the current one and think I may be able to get counselling from them as well. 

MrsStepford

UPDATE: My adoptive mother is still harassing me with calls, emails and letters though I told her in October 2020 that I didn't want contact wiith her and I haven't seen her in over a year, either. This impacts on my life because I can't just pick up either of my phones now and it just makes me unsettled and anxious,

 I obtained advice from the post adoption services unit in my county and I'm waiing to get counselling. 

I  joined the family history society of my birth county and I have also started putting the relies on spreadsheets.. I'm up to 122 relies going back to 1775 but I know there are many more to find as from my birth surname, I know that my family originated from Normans who came over with William the Conqueror. There are tombs in one church which date to the 1500s but seemingly no records. My grandfather won a medal in WW2 and his father is on records in the Maritime Museum at Greenwich, as well as being ex-Royal Artillery. I obtained a copy of my birth mother's birth certificate from the General Records Office and I'm waiting for mine. 

I discovered that my adoptive father knew my birth mother, before he got married. Not in the er carnal sense, just as acquaintances and he also knew her father. He didn't tell the adoption society and when I discovered thiis, he refused to tell me anything about them. 

I assumed that my birth mother had died, but I ran a 192.com background check and much to my surprise, she's on the electoral roll, updated last month. So now I'm in a bit of a quandary, as to whether to write to her ! 

I have sent all the family research I have on my adoptive mother's family to a cousin of hers, who is actively working on their family tree and have included digital and 35mm family photos. 

While I am waitng for counselling, I am buying things for my study (eg some really great French marbled wallpaper from Matalan £10 per roll) and doing a CPD-certified online interior design course. 

I'm very much trying to move on. 

 

MrsStepford

UPDATE My birth mother is still shielding away from home supposedly. My adoptive mother is still harassing me.

We were talking when it was our wedding anniversary last year but didn't get card or present for 25th not that I expected it. My husband got a birthday present this year and I didn't (again wasn't expecting it).. We got a card saying sorry I forgot your wedding anniversary and a box of M&S flowers, somewhat bedraggled. In a separate envelope, husband got a £200 cheque. I told him to do what he wanted with it. I thought he would probably rip it up as she wished him dead, but nope, he banked it. 

Have found two more cousins (good) still waiting for counselling (bad) 

scottish_lassy

I was in a very similar position and someone on this site directed me to www.daughtersofnarcissisticmothers.com.  It helped make sense of many actions and meant that I didn't feel guilt after she died.  In fact (this may sound callous) but the main feeling was freedom.  You are lucky to have your husband as support and you owe it to him and yourself not to have your lives poisoned.  Take care