Dealing with my difficult mother

TomokoAdhami

jennystarpepper said:

TomokoAdhami said:

I can understand your situation and I can feel how much it is tough to deal with this kind of parents. I know it is very easy to cut off all connections and relations with her but don't you think you are picking an easy way? Do you think should we leave all people who have psychological issues alone on this planet? She is your mother and it has decided by nature. We can end some relations in life likewise we can divorce our husband, can break up with a partner or cut off our relations with our family members but we can't leave our parents. We can't exist without them. I know I am giving difficult advice but I would suggest you to take care of her without any benefit for your inner peace only. 

Have you experience in matters such as this?  I am sure you ment well but this is very bad advice.  

Yes, I have witnessed this situation where the father of my friend was the same attitude. My friend didn't take care of her father in his last days and she always feels guilty for it. Her father even was worse than this mom. 

Mojisola

TomokoAdhami said:

jennystarpepper said:

Have you experience in matters such as this?  I am sure you ment well but this is very bad advice.  

Yes, I have witnessed this situation where the father of my friend was the same attitude. My friend didn't take care of her father in his last days and she always feels guilty for it. Her father even was worse than this mom. 

Such misplaced guilt could be resolved through counselling whereas the damage done through long term contact with such a parent can be too severe to ever be repaired. 

MrsStepford

I am adopted and my birth mother was a friend of my adoptive father's but he didn't tell anyone, (not even his own mother), presumably because it was against adoption society rules for him to adopt me. I was told by my adoptive parents only after I had adoption counselling (when married and in my thirties). According to my adoptive mother, there are letters from my birth mother to my adoptive father which I haven't been shown and she didn't want to give me up. I haven't had any contact with her but did find (by sheer fluke) my actual first cousin, who had done generations of the family tree.

My (adoptive) brother and wife 2, daughters and stepdaughters, my uncle, his wife 2 and sons are all against me. None of them know about the abuse, the affair my mother had, my birth mother being my adoptive father's friend . I sit here wondering why, when I haven't committed adultery or crimes or got anyone pregnant or abused anyone, why am I both the keeper of all these secrets and the black sheep ? I came to the conclusion that she has lied about me all my life.

Today she called and left a message. " I don't know why you're treating me like this". She asked me to get my husband to make an hour's journey under Tier 3 restrictions to pick up a cheese. "otherwise it will be wasted" Hardly, because the cheese she mentioned is HER favourite cheese.

My father assumed that I would cease all contact after his death (cancer) and she's had ten years more of time, love and expensive presents. So now, I'm not going to give her anything more. Because the cheese is her favourite cheese, she must be starting to realise it. 

I want to write a letter and if it's a hand grenade in the family, then so be it. I don't owe them anything. 

jennystarpepper

MrsStepford said:

My (adoptive) brother and wife 2, daughters and stepdaughters, my uncle, his wife 2 and sons are all against me. None of them know about the abuse, the affair my mother had, my birth mother being my adoptive father's friend . I sit here wondering why, when I haven't committed adultery or crimes or got anyone pregnant or abused anyone, why am I both the keeper of all these secrets and the black sheep ? I came to the conclusion that she has lied about me all my life.

Today she called and left a message. " I don't know why you're treating me like this". She asked me to get my hu

I want to write a letter and if it's a hand grenade in the family, then so be it. I don't owe them anything. 

Maybe they do know of / about some of the abuse, it is very easy to ignore it happens or they choose to ignore it because it's the easy way out.  A few friends have commented to me (years after it happened), about how they witnessed a sibling abusing me, nothing was said to me at the time or comment made about it being wrong. 

I know it is easy to say but with help things will become easier to manage and understand, and no .........  you have done nothing wrong.

Write your letter, but maybe hold onto it and discuss the contents with your therapist when you find one and then decide what to do with it.  You are right, you owe them nothing, you owe it to yourself to have a future free from abuse. 

Your mother will keep pestering you and it will be / is  upsetting , but you are in charge of the situation now. 

olgadapolga

Sometimes just putting down on paper your thoughts and feelings can be cathartic and may help you deal with some of this. You don't need to send the letters unless you want to.

When I had counselling, the therapist told me to write a letter to a person who had caused me immeasurable pain, stating how badly I'd been hurt by their actions and words. She then told me to write two replies: the first to be what I thought that they would write back and the second should be what I wanted them to say to me, as that distressed person. I did write the letters and it did help. I didn't ever send the first letter as by the time I'd written them, the pain had disappated  enough that I didn't need to send them. 

I think that the only person who can decide what to do about writing to your brother/wider family is you. I think that the above poster may be right if you are unsure: write the letter and just sit on it for a while, until you can access the counselling.

You have come a long way and you are doing really well. You might consider blocking your mother's number though. Do you actually want to carry on reading/listening to her "me, me, me" messages? As for the cheese, next time she rings your husband, maybe he should just tell her that he won't be collecting it?

thorsoak

I agree wholeheartedly with olgadapolga's post above - and the point about blocking your mother's number - on your OH's phone as well as on your phone.    Hope you have a wonderful mum-free Christmas.

kayleighali

MrsStepford said:

My (adoptive) brother and wife 2, daughters and stepdaughters, my uncle, his wife 2 and sons are all against me. None of them know about the abuse, the affair my mother had, my birth mother being my adoptive father's friend . I sit here wondering why, when I haven't committed adultery or crimes or got anyone pregnant or abused anyone, why am I both the keeper of all these secrets and the black sheep ? I came to the conclusion that she has lied about me all my life.

This part struck me as interesting. I can't remember the details, so apologies if I get this wrong, but you don't have any contact (or minimal contact) with the rest of the family, is that right? Perhaps they have only ever heard one side of the story? The old saying goes that there are always three sides to the story - yours, theirs and the truth. Not that I am saying you are telling lies, of course not, however, the truth usually tends to be the facts with all emotion removed from both sides.

Perhaps a letter would be a good idea, at least put your side forward. There will be fallout from this so, as Olgadapolga has said, it might be worth discussing with your therapist. The first conclusion everyone will jump to is that you're making it all up, it's whether you are strong enough to get through the inevitable onslaught of accusations you will receive. Once they have a bit of time to think, things will start falling into place and, even if it doesn't repair any family bonds, at least they know the truth.

MrsStepford

I wrote the letter on my laptop but decided that I wouldn't send it, unless they started piling in on my mother's side. She has lied for YEARS. I do think they would disbelieve me, but I also think if my brother is forced to step up to the plate, he will see for himself, just how narcissistic and manipulative she is. 

tealady

MrsStepford. Keep doing what you are doing, you dont need toxic people in your life.
Hopefully your mother will stop contacting you, but dont stress about when/ how she will contact you. That means you will be walking on eggshells and you dont need that. 
Ignore anyone who tries to guilt trip you into keeping in touch, a taker will always want more so there comes a point for your own sanity where you have to cut them off.

bouicca21

Adoption adds a whole new layer to the story. It’s bad enough  refusing to live up to the image of the perfect princess when you live with your biological family, must be worse living with the mother who thought she was getting one thing and got something different. Sounds as though she has always had mixed feelings and a lot of resentment.

any chance your adoptive father was also your biological one?