Dealing with my difficult mother

Flugelhorn

TomokoAdhami said:

jennystarpepper said:

TomokoAdhami said:

I can understand your situation and I can feel how much it is tough to deal with this kind of parents. I know it is very easy to cut off all connections and relations with her but don't you think you are picking an easy way? Do you think should we leave all people who have psychological issues alone on this planet? She is your mother and it has decided by nature. We can end some relations in life likewise we can divorce our husband, can break up with a partner or cut off our relations with our family members but we can't leave our parents. We can't exist without them. I know I am giving difficult advice but I would suggest you to take care of her without any benefit for your inner peace only. 

Have you experience in matters such as this?  I am sure you ment well but this is very bad advice.  

Yes, I have witnessed this situation where the father of my friend was the same attitude. My friend didn't take care of her father in his last days and she always feels guilty for it. Her father even was worse than this mom. 

I didn't "take care" of my mother her final days and I can assure you I do not feel guilty in the slightest.

jennystarpepper

Hope you had a good Christmas.

I would not do anything with the ring, you are still contacting her and feeding her 'addiction' if you do this, which is a cycle you are tying to break (and doing successfully so far).  same as the letter you wrote and decided to 'file for now' , keep it on the back burner after you have had help and talked it through with someone qualified to give you an honest opinion.

Please concentrate your efforts into getting the help you need and deserve.  Have you looked at getting therapy yet?  I don't think counseling is for you, just due to the different types of and length of abuse you have suffered, you need expert help which generic counseling cannot resolve for you.  

It's a new year, you need to move on and getting help will free you from all the !!!!!! you have had to carry all these years.  I don't think you will move on without it.

Take care and Happy New Year. 

Mojisola

MrsStepford said:

A couple of years ago, she told me that she had sold her paternal grandmother's engagement ring (daft because she was the granddaughter of an earl and had a private income so better ring) and she gave me her mother's ring. It doesn't fit me. I loved my grandma, so I've kept it. I feel like I should have it couriered back now, what do you think ? 

Absolutely not!  That will be seen as you making contact again in her eyes.  Keep strong!

olgadapolga

MrsStepford said:

A couple of years ago, she told me that she had sold her paternal grandmother's engagement ring (daft because she was the granddaughter of an earl and had a private income so better ring) and she gave me her mother's ring. It doesn't fit me. I loved my grandma, so I've kept it. I feel like I should have it couriered back now, what do you think ? 

No. Absolutely not. She gave it to you and therefore it's your ring.

If you sent it back then a) you are continuing to have a connection with her and b) she'll probably just sell it anyway.

You clearly have fond memories of your grandmother so why wouldn't you keep it?

hob_nob_bob

My own mother is incredibly toxic - always has been. Some of my earliest memories are of horrible things she did to me (not 'abuse' per se but just horrible memories and not something a 'good' mum should be doing).

She's disowned me for buying a house, something my two brothers have already done and she didn't react that way with them. My sister is also pregnant and she's not be treated the way I have been.

I've always been the outcast in my family, as far as she's concerned. I didn't go to uni, whereas the other three did - something she thinks I'm a failure for, despite being successful and happy and earning a good living without a degree. 

Sometimes I think you just can't win with parents like that. No matter what you do you'll never be good enough.

I'm now 33 and in the past six months have cut all contact with my mother. I was walking on egg shells each day around her whereas now I feel like a weight has been lifted. It's so liberating to finally feel and act like my true self each day without worrying how she'll react to normal everyday actions etc.

olgadapolga

hob_nob_bob said:

My own mother is incredibly toxic - always has been. Some of my earliest memories are of horrible things she did to me (not 'abuse' per se but just horrible memories and not something a 'good' mum should be doing).

She's disowned me for buying a house, something my two brothers have already done and she didn't react that way with them. My sister is also pregnant and she's not be treated the way I have been.

I've always been the outcast in my family, as far as she's concerned. I didn't go to uni, whereas the other three did - something she thinks I'm a failure for, despite being successful and happy and earning a good living without a degree. 

Sometimes I think you just can't win with parents like that. No matter what you do you'll never be good enough.

I'm now 33 and in the past six months have cut all contact with my mother. I was walking on egg shells each day around her whereas now I feel like a weight has been lifted. It's so liberating to finally feel and act like my true self each day without worrying how she'll react to normal everyday actions etc.

I'm sorry that you've had such an awful time with your mother. It's not fair that some parents treat their children differently.

I will say, though, that it sounds as if cutting ties with her was the right thing for you to do. It's such a hard action to take, so well done for getting rid of the toxicity and negativity that was spoiling your life.

MrsStepford

hob_nob_bob said:

My own mother is incredibly toxic - always has been. Some of my earliest memories are of horrible things she did to me (not 'abuse' per se but just horrible memories and not something a 'good' mum should be doing).

She's disowned me for buying a house, something my two brothers have already done and she didn't react that way with them. My sister is also pregnant and she's not be treated the way I have been.

I've always been the outcast in my family, as far as she's concerned. I didn't go to uni, whereas the other three did - something she thinks I'm a failure for, despite being successful and happy and earning a good living without a degree. 

Sometimes I think you just can't win with parents like that. No matter what you do you'll never be good enough.

I'm now 33 and in the past six months have cut all contact with my mother. I was walking on egg shells each day around her whereas now I feel like a weight has been lifted. It's so liberating to finally feel and act like my true self each day without worrying how she'll react to normal everyday actions etc.

I'm really sorry that you experienced this. Whatever your mother thinks, you're not in any way a failure because you didn't go to uni. Good for you, for buying your own place. 

Part of your story really resonate with me. I haven't committed driving offences or got an underage girl pregant, mis-sold pensions, defrauded HMRC and more -- yet I'm the family black sheep. I wish I had cut contact with her when my father died. He asked me about a year or two before he died whether I would and I said no. But ten years afterwards, when she's so much more spiteful and nasty, I just couldn't put up with anymore. Not just the screaming at me but the nightmares she induced.

Re: counselling, I had counselling before when I had neighbours from Hell 2002-2016 and it helped. I was fully intending to do it, but now I've thought about it. I can't see the point in stirring up horrible memories, when I'm feeling happier. I'm starting to put things together, myself. Examples: I hate satin polyester because when she had had a row with Pa, she would climb into my bed and use me like a human teddy bear, giving me static shocks from her slinky nightdresses. I hate the colour orange, because it's the colour of the carpet, of the bedroom in which Pa spanked me hard, though he knew that I had done nothing wrong, to please her.  Things like that.

Do I want or need to know why she behaved like that ? Nope. Her father killed her favourite chicken and her mother served it up for lunch, as punishment for being cheeky to her mother. Nasty streak in the genes ? 

I've made great strides in clearing up clutter, with husband helping at weekends. I haven't got freedom to go out and about as we used to, pre-pandemic but I have freedom within house and garden, from her demands. I've started working on my website again, for example. 

Two things bother me: husband driving within South East when problems arise at work because of her vitriol towards him makes me anxious, and getting enough fresh fruit and veg.

The ring..although my grandmother never went against her daughter, otherwise she was lovely. She would have adored my husband for his humour. I wouldn't want to prompt a barrage of emails and calls, or put it into her head that I should give back other presents. 

 

helensbiggestfan

Mrs Stepford.....I have been reading along but have never commented before.  I just wanted to say well done.  You are doing so well.  

I had a "difficult father". Putting in mildly😂. Although I made my escape at the earliest opportunity and never looked back I stayed in touch purely for my mother's sake.  If it weren't for her I would have cheerfully walked away without a backward glance.  Good riddance to bad rubbish,  

He died in 2016, frankly he was vile to me right to the end but by then it didn't matter. I'd long ceased caring what he thought and had long since given up trying to win his approval.  He was quite sImply "a piece Of work". A complete narcissist incapable of loving anyone but himself. I realised he was more to be pitied than feared.  Once I realised that then he had no more power over me and I was free.  

I found out just a month ago about something he had done to someone decades ago.  TBH i wasnt surprised just as I wouldn't be surprised if there weren't more skeletons lurking in the closet.  I am only sorry for the hurt and upset he caused this person. They too have been carrying that memory with them for decades.  

Keep going Mrs Stepford, stay strong and just continue to work your way through it all.  It can be a long journey to finding the peace you crave but you are doing really well.  

MrsStepford

Thank you @helensbiggestfan I appreciate this. I'm so so sorry that you had a tough time with your father. My mother is a narcissist too. They look at every situation from their angle first, no matter what the situation is and tend to be selfish with it. 

I think I'm doing a lot better too. I'm sleeping well and not having nightmares. I've put stuff into lidded plastic storage bins, with the idea to eBay it. Just decluttering makes the house feel bigger. We've done small DIY jobs as well and I'm about to order paint samples. The world outside is scary, so it's even more important to me/us to feel safe and warm in our home. I think probably quite a lot of people are doing the nesting thing. 

MrsStepford

UPDATE: Received an email from my mother, entitled Us. I deleted it, so that she doesn't get a read message, then read it in the deleted folder. Basically, a stream of vitriol, without proper sentencing and full stops. Started by asking, hadn't I punished her enough and then denied ever doing anything harmful to me, or saying that she hoped my husband died and told me that I had made it all up. She finished with saying that she wouldn't ever be cruel to an animal.

I'm furious. Never going to look at an email from her again. Life feels sp precarious now, that I'm not wasting another second on her. She's just not worth it.