Dealing with my difficult mother

HampshireH

Why is you husband accepting money from her? He is meant to have your back on this and by cashing her cheque he is actively encouraging contact and leaving the door wide open for a relationship.

It does t help you as it encourages her to continue her behaviour

If you husband is supportive then he shouldn't be doing that

MrsStepford

I felt that as the cheque was sent to him, it was his choice whether to cash it or not. Just as it was my choice to rip up the £50 cheque for my birthday. If I tried to control my husband, it would make me no different to her, in my eyes. 

MrsStepford

scottish_lassy said:

I was in a very similar position and someone on this site directed me to www.daughtersofnarcissisticmothers.com.  It helped make sense of many actions and meant that I didn't feel guilt after she died.  In fact (this may sound callous) but the main feeling was freedom.  You are lucky to have your husband as support and you owe it to him and yourself not to have your lives poisoned.  Take care

Sorry to hear that you had an awful experience with your mother x

I found the website and will read through it. My husband said he thought that my mother is narcissistic. I think she was so spoiled by my late adoptive father, that she expects me to give her the same level of attention. I want my own life and my adoptive parents controlled me for too much of it. I do feel freeer now, it's true. 

CatieE

MrsStepford, I'm so sorry you have been through so much with your mother. A few years ago my grandmother gave me so good advice. She told me that ''those who care matter, but those who don't care , don't matter at all''. I think they were wise words.

MrsStepford

Thank you CatieE and also to others who have been supportive. 

As part of moving forward, I wrote my adoptive brother two letters, detailing the abuse and the controlling things I had experienced. No reply. 

So I'm wondering whether I can somehow 'divorce' myself from this toxic family. I turned down my adoptive mother's request to have power of attorney with him and to be co-executor. I did it partly because I didn't want to be blamed by my adoptive mother's brother for any decision on care, in the future.

My adoptive brother told our adoptive mother, that I should be her carer. No way would I do that and I was really angry that he suggested it. 

Why should my husband pay for a journey involving two trains and a bus each way and a journey time of at least two hours each way, in order to save our adoptive mother's home being sold, to pay for care. My bro must think that he's in for a lot of money whereas our adoptive mother has continued to spend money on hair, nails, gardeners, lunches, a car, cruises etc. I've seen my adoptive father's will and he didn't leave much, considering that he had been a millionaire at one point.

My mother may give in to his pressure, to leave me nothing, but she's likely to leave the whole lot to a dog charity. That would amuse me. 

Still waiting for counselling.

Started doing research before updating my website. Husband seems to have given up beer (touchy about it) and decided to join me in low carb. 

Pollycat

MrsStepford said:

Thank you CatieE and also to others who have been supportive. 

As part of moving forward, I wrote my adoptive brother two letters, detailing the abuse and the controlling things I had experienced. No reply. 

So I'm wondering whether I can somehow 'divorce' myself from this toxic family. I turned down my adoptive mother's request to have power of attorney with him and to be co-executor. I did it partly because I didn't want to be blamed by my adoptive mother's brother for any decision on care, in the future.

My adoptive brother told our adoptive mother, that I should be her carer. No way would I do that and I was really angry that he suggested it. 

Why should my husband pay for a journey involving two trains and a bus each way and a journey time of at least two hours each way, in order to save our adoptive mother's home being sold, to pay for care. My bro must think that he's in for a lot of money whereas our adoptive mother has continued to spend money on hair, nails, gardeners, lunches, a car, cruises etc. I've seen my adoptive father's will and he didn't leave much, considering that he had been a millionaire at one point.

My mother may give in to his pressure, to leave me nothing, but she's likely to leave the whole lot to a dog charity. That would amuse me. 

Still waiting for counselling.

Started doing research before updating my website. Husband seems to have given up beer (touchy about it) and decided to join me in low carb. 

Of course you can.

Just cut all contact with those people you no longer want in your life. If that includes your adoptive brother, treat him the same

Block their number(s).

I'm not sure that accepting her money is giving the right signal.

I wouldn't tear up her cheques. I'd return them to her marked 'gone away'.

 

Flugelhorn

scottish_lassy said:

I was in a very similar position and someone on this site directed me to www.daughtersofnarcissisticmothers.com.  It helped make sense of many actions and meant that I didn't feel guilt after she died.  In fact (this may sound callous) but the main feeling was freedom.  You are lucky to have your husband as support and you owe it to him and yourself not to have your lives poisoned.  Take care

totally understand this - my regret was that it took so long for me to understand what was going on, websites like that are helpful and the Fear / Obligation / Guilt forum too. 
Despite feeling no guilt only freedom after the death, it has taken some time to really get over this 

MrsStepford

I looked at the website and OMG I wish I had known about this years ago. She's absolutely narcissistic. 

I didn't accept any money from her, I haven't communicated at all since October 2020. I don't feel that I have the right to tell my husband what to do about a cheque made payable to him, though. 

Pollycat

MrsStepford said:

I looked at the website and OMG I wish I had known about this years ago. She's absolutely narcissistic. 

I didn't accept any money from her, I haven't communicated at all since October 2020. I don't feel that I have the right to tell my husband what to do about a cheque made payable to him, though. 

Maybe not.

But by him keeping her money, it keeps her 'in' instead of being shut out altogether - by both of you.

She'll feel pleasure when she sees that her cheque has been cashed.

MrsStepford

I left dealing with his mother to my husband and I didn't interfere. So I don't expect my husband to interfere either.I won' tell him what to do with a cheque payable to him. 

I don't accept money, presents, cards, letters, calls or texts from her. 

I decided to write to my brother and tell him about the things which happened to me. She must have gotten to him as he didn.t reply. I wrote again, still no reply.