Dealing with my difficult mother

olgadapolga

Sea_Shell said:

Is posting here helping you OP?

It seems like you're constantly picking at a scab that won't heal, unless you leave it alone.

Your thoughts seem to be taken over by her, still.

Well, this is understandable when you take into account that the OP has had a lifetime (up until recently) of a toxic mother. These things take a while to deal with. 

jennystarpepper

How much of a hassle is it to sit down and spend a couple of hours contacting / emailing / writing people your new telephone number?  With help from your husband it won't take that long to do.  Once it is done it is one less thing to worry about... isnt that what you want?

Your husband should not have cashed that cheque, he is aware of what you have been through, he is not helping you in doing this, he is encoureging contact as others have said. Please stop opening mail from her, you said before you have torn mail up and put it in the bin, but you are still opening it  and reading it, you need to break this habit, as I and others have said send it back unopened.  Reading it will only upset you.  Is it worth £300 to still have her upsetting you?

You have mentioned money, social status and education a few times, this appears to be along the same lines as the comments your mother makes to abuse you, these things do not matter in life.  

Pollycat and Sea-shell have given you very good advice, it does sound as if you are 'picking a scab'  

You have mentioned about the letters you are writing, maybe it is best to stop this for now and ask a professional if letter writing is a good idea, I think you are just 'winding yourself up' doing it.  

Ask your GP referral to the  Secondary mental health services to get  help faster.  If you have talked to your GP contact them again and tell them you are struggling, it does sound like you need more support. 

You cannot change what has happened in the past, you can improve your future.  






  

Pollycat

MrsStepford said:

I checked with my landline provider and they can only provide me with a new number free of charge. It's more hassle to notify banks etc of a change of number than just ignore the landline. I have been able to block her from my mobile.

There are ways of blocking numbers without having to change your landline number.

MrsStepford said:

I think just disposing of correspondence in recycling is a better option than sending it back. Way back, that's what people on this thread were advising me to do.

If that's what you think, I guess that's fine.

If it was me, I'd question if the advice I was given way back is working...

I wish you well.

Having cut a toxic relative out of my life, I understand the relief when it's over.

I hope you get to that point.

Flugelhorn

MrsStepford said:

I have been able to block her number on my mobile but not on my landline. 

we were with sky for a while and had sky talk shield, when anyone phoned they had to say who they were and only then did the phone ring at our end, we would then here a recording of them saying who they were and decided whether we wanted to take the call of not - the person calling doesn't know you have rejected them they just think you are not in. Even if you take the call (I had lots of grief from rellies and mother's carers) you at least can prepare yourself. Regular callers you like to speak to can get through straight away if you OK their phone number. 

squirrelchops2

MrsStepford are you able to afford and get counselling privately? Having read both of your threads from the beginning (over time) I really feel that this is an absolute need for your well being. I am mid forties and still struggle at times with a parent who I describe as emotionally !!!!!!. My dad died when I was a baby and I still don't really know details of it as my mother seems to want to hold the information to just be hers and she has never understood how I need to understand my identity, who my father was, what he thought of me etc. I dont even know simple things such as did he hold me, did he sing to me, what he thought of having a baby at 47 etc etc. It torments me at times but my mother has played a fabulous game for 44 years of basically an absolute refusal to share any information with me.

Jude57

@MrsStepford I'm surprised that your landline provider can't do more to help. Some years ago I made the mistake of putting my landline number on an online order from a new supplier and was subsequently subjected to numerous nuisance calls. I found out that BT do Call Guardian where you can block numbers from your handset or online. There may be a charge although it's included in my package. I have found though that spoofed numbers do get past it so it's not entirely useful.

 I'm not sure if anyone has suggested you buy a landline phone with call blocking capability. I have a Panasonic that allows me to block single numbers, ranges of numbers (useful as spammers often use them) and types of numbers (withheld, international etc) I know BT also have a range of phones with the same sort of capability. From memory, I got mine in the sale for about £60, two handsets with answering machine and it works a treat. Nothing gets past it and I can recommend it.

MrsStepford

Our landline and internet provider won't block calls, only change the number free of charge. I wish I had known about that phone when we got new landline bas and phones last autumn. We just don't answer the phone unless we recognise the number. 

I don't expect counselling to be free and I do recognise that I need it, to move forward. I'm hoping to hear soon as I've waited weeks. 

I'm sorry that your mother is being so manipulative @squirrelchops2 does she have  sister or brother who could cajole her into giving you more info ? My adoptive father knew my birth mother before he was married and there are letters from my birth mother to him in my adoptive mother's garage which she wouldn't let me see. You're father along the road of Why? than me because I haven't thought of  single question to ask my birth mother yet. 

HampshireH

Are you with Vodafone as they are the only company I can see who do not offer a service.

If so it may be more efficient to change provider as all the rest of the big names offer call blocking. Hopefully the links below will be of help

https://www.bt.com/help/landline/calling-features-and-security/nuisance-calls-and-phishing/bt-call-protect----how-to-----guide#persblacklist

https://sse.co.uk/help/phone-and-broadband/how-to-block-and-report-nuisance-callers

https://community.talktalk.co.uk/t5/Articles/How-do-I-manage-nuisance-calls/ta-p/2205401

https://www.virginmedia.com/help/home-phone-nuisance-calls

https://www.sky.com/help/diagnostics/sky-talk-shield/what-do-you-need-help-with

https://www.plus.net/help/phone/stop-nuisance-calls/#:~:text=Just%20log%20into%20the%20Member,%2C%20choose%20'Call%20Barring'.

https://help.nowtv.com/article/call-features 

tempus_fugit

olgadapolga said:

Sea_Shell said:

Is posting here helping you OP?

It seems like you're constantly picking at a scab that won't heal, unless you leave it alone.

Your thoughts seem to be taken over by her, still.

Well, this is understandable when you take into account that the OP has had a lifetime (up until recently) of a toxic mother. These things take a while to deal with. 

Yes, I fully agree with this.

Mrs Stepford, I have been following your story for some time, as my situation almost exactly mirrors yours. I am male so in this case it is a mother-son relationship. I’m not sure if this is better or worse or just different, but other than that my situation is very similar to yours, the only other difference being that in my case it is my natural mother, which is why it has been a slow, damaging deterioration of the relationship over a period of 20-30 years, and with signs of the problem going right back into my childhood (I’m in my 60s now). There is this pressure to “be a good son” that I have not been able to fulfil, so there is guilt involved too.

Anyway, to cut a long story short, until recently my main contact with her was by WhatsApp, and I would check it for messages every day. I would sometimes message her but due to the nature of the history between us this didn’t always end well, and also didn’t count to her as “contact” - she wanted me to visit and/or phone. Again, due to the history, I am not well disposed to doing so.

When I contacted her about something I had heard from another family member earlier this year it turned out that she had not shared this news with me because she was basically punishing me for “not having been in contact and not visiting her for two years”. Well, firstly it hadn’t been two years it was nearer 14 months and the problem was largely down to COVID-19. I was hearing through the grapevine that my brother was visiting her probably monthly, but I had not heard this from him or my mum directly (our family is not the best at communicating), so if this was true then we couldn’t visit as we were restricted to one other household in the “bubble”.

The upshot of all this was that I was being punished for not living up to her expectations, but the thing that broke the camels back, so to speak, was that I had twice mentioned health issues that my wife had (which were still being looked into and there was/is a possibility that could develop into cancer, so potentially serious) and on neither occasion did she ask how she was doing, nor has she since then. So, I finally decided to deleted my account on WhatsApp and delete the app. It’s not a full “cut-off” as she could contact me via email but at least I’m not checking WhatsApp every day. The problem with blocking on email is that with gmail you can have emails automatically deleted when they come in but they still go into the bin so they are available for 30 days - you can’t block them completely without completely changing the email address, and I don’t want to do that. So I can understand some of your difficulties.

Anyway, I don’t think she will contact me now following the latest bust up so effectively we are now cut off from each other, and whilst it is sad (I have cried like it is a bereavement, which in a way it is) I also feel a lot freer not having that responsibility any more. A bit like your situation, my dad did everything for her and since his death 4 years ago I think she has expected me to step into his shoes and do everything for her. It’s not like she’s incapable, she can drive and apart from being totally unfit due to inactivity is in pretty good health for her age (82). Bit even my dad’s funeral was fraught as she abdicated all involvement with arranging it. Now I was happy to help her with it but she acted like it was my duty to do it, and yet what I did was criticised and not appreciated. It made the whole experience, which was traumatic enough, even worse for me as she forgot that I was grieving too.

And this comes back to the main reason for the bad relationship which is that I have had to live up to her expectations for decades and could not even disagree with even the slightest thing she said - she once put the phone down on me when she made a statement about something and all I said was “how do you know that, where’s the evidence”. The problem was that I had just agreed with her on everything up to that point and when I started trying to have my own opinion on things she took it badly. She has always seen me as her sounding board but only if I agreed with her, I couldn’t ever argue back. And she is only this way with me, my brother (who is younger) doesn’t have that same responsibility.

Anyway, sorry for this becoming a long post but I felt I had to say that I can see where you are coming from but do agree with some of the things other posters have said like letting her know that you are not accepting her behaviour as otherwise she will just keep doing it. In my case it means an effective end to contact because she expects all the initiative to come from me so that she can criticise it so it will not make the relationship any better but in your case it might get through to her what she is doing to you and if not then, as in my case, it means stopping contact and leaving her knowing that that is the outcome of the things she has been doing to you.

MrsStepford

Your mother sounds so so much like mine. Mine expected me to take on more responsibility after my adoptive father's death. I tried for seven years until I injured a foot on a Remain march and the abuse I got was awful. My adoptive brother is a helicopter son and he suggested to her that I should be her carer, if she needs one. 

I haven't contacted my adoptive mother in any way, since October 2020. I can see why you feel like you are grieving. When my adoptive grandmother delveloped Alzheimers we grieved bit by bit as she deteriorated, and it was awful. 

I was toughened by my adoptive mother's abuse, impossible expectations, complete lack of empathy etc etc. So when my birth mother rejected me without reason or explanation today, sending back my two letters, my reaction is just annoyance at the spitefulness behind the £ I had to pay, because she hadn't put the correct postage on new envelopes. Not a mistake, as she had included the old envelopes and therefore knew how much they had cost to send. 

I wrote to my adoptive brother and gave him the lowlights and heard nothing back. So I've drawn lines under them all as being not worth my time and money. I think you should consider yourself freed @tempus_fugit and concentrate on your wife. She needs your love nd support and your birth other doesn't.