Dealing with my difficult mother

jwright

I've just been having a read of this thread and oh my goodness, I can so relate.  In my case it's my mother in law.  My husband suffered many years of abuse from her, and my late father in law the same.  Mostly mental abuse but some physical too.  She's possibly bipolar, a narcissist, or just completely insane. 

She has done so many nasty things to us, which we bear through gritted teeth but we are at the point where the affect on our mental health is becoming too much.  She recently moved into the same village as us (without our blessing) and is continuing the tirade from nearby.  Most recent example is she has lost a couple of things (an address book, a diary and a pen) and is accusing me of stealing them.  She's told everyone she knows that I'm a thief.  I'm so fed up of her nastiness.  I've been cleaning her house, helping her unpack, trying to support her with settling into the area and this is my current payback.  I think she does it for sport.  She also behaves in front of others (until she turns on them) so people tend to believe her.  She has a new audience in the village and is taking great delight in telling people we neglect her and don't do anything supportive, this is the place we mvoed to 4 years ago to make a new life for us and our children.  And we have plenty of abusive emails too!

Anyway, this wasn't supposed to be about me.  I just wanted to say - me too, hope those of us suffering with this get some respite .... not sure what the solution is apart from walking away.

Primrose

Jwright
this is a blow for you but i suspect the best tactic is to try and ignore it as much as you can.  People will discover soon enough what she's like and start giving her the cold shoulder. 

As with all people like this exclusion from your life is probably the best route but obviously harder when somebody lives in close proximity.  If your paths-cross, perhaps politely nod and just move on.

MrsStepford

UPDATE FROM OP

I haven't seen my mother since February 2020 nor spoken to her since October 2020. My husband is back working from home now and lets landline calls go to voicemail, then deletes rants from her. Her numbers are blocked on my mobile but our phone provider won't block them on the landline, we can only get a new landline number which would mean massive hassle.

I have continued to receive mail from her, which gets ripped up. She has included cheques sometimes, which also get ripped up. If I had kept any of her narcissistic vitriol, I believe that I would have grounds to get her cautioned for Harassment. I have followed the advice given to me on this forum and not contacted her, the police or her solicitor. 

On Thursday, I received a letter which was sent without a return address or postmark on the envelope. It was the usual ranty stuff from my mother  As I was ripping it up. I realised that it wasn't written on her personalised paper and had no return address or date. It was a bad photocopy of a rant written in block caps on flimsy copier paper. She had inked over some faint words and letters. 

I'm a bit freaked out to receive two pages of photocopies. Why would she photocopy it and send me the copy ? 
Is she trying to prove that she has written to me and that I haven't responded ? The rant wasn't sent by registered or recorded delivery mail. Is she trying to justify cutting me out of her will ? 

I'm not expecting anything from her will and never have and she knows that. Since she was widowed 11 years ago this week, I have always told her that it's her money and she should spend it how she likes. She has been on several holidays including a cruise to Russia and she bought herself a new car.

When I changed my name a few years ago, I gave her a certified copy of the deed. She told me then, that she didn't like me changing the name which she had given me and woldnt be changing her will.
.
When my FIL died, my parents were on holiday in Africa. I called to inform them but the tour guide refused to put me through to them, as I wasn't the Next of Kin on the contacts form, even under my previous name.. 

Years later, when my mother asked me to accept Power of Attorney jointly with my brother, I declined. I told her that I wasn't going to have her blaming me, if she had to go into a care home. So if she has moved or gone into a home, then that would be a joint decision by my brother and her Executor, a magistrate. 

I'm not expecting anything from her and I'm not involved in decisions. 

I am disquietened by this photocopying behaviour however. Any ideas ? 

MsPennyMinder

Ignore her, it's just another way of getting to you and it's working. Stay strong and don't go back down the rabbit hole of trying to understand her. She probably doesn't understand why she does what she does 

Pollycat

MrsStepford said:

UPDATE FROM OP

I haven't seen my mother since February 2020 nor spoken to her since October 2020. My husband is back working from home now and lets landline calls go to voicemail, then deletes rants from her. Her numbers are blocked on my mobile but our phone provider won't block them on the landline, we can only get a new landline number which would mean massive hassle.

I have continued to receive mail from her, which gets ripped up. She has included cheques sometimes, which also get ripped up. If I had kept any of her narcissistic vitriol, I believe that I would have grounds to get her cautioned for Harassment. I have followed the advice given to me on this forum and not contacted her, the police or her solicitor. 

On Thursday, I received a letter which was sent without a return address or postmark on the envelope. It was the usual ranty stuff from my mother  As I was ripping it up. I realised that it wasn't written on her personalised paper and had no return address or date. It was a bad photocopy of a rant written in block caps on flimsy copier paper. She had inked over some faint words and letters. 

I'm a bit freaked out to receive two pages of photocopies. Why would she photocopy it and send me the copy ? 
Is she trying to prove that she has written to me and that I haven't responded ? The rant wasn't sent by registered or recorded delivery mail. Is she trying to justify cutting me out of her will ? 

I'm not expecting anything from her will and never have and she knows that. Since she was widowed 11 years ago this week, I have always told her that it's her money and she should spend it how she likes. She has been on several holidays including a cruise to Russia and she bought herself a new car.

When I changed my name a few years ago, I gave her a certified copy of the deed. She told me then, that she didn't like me changing the name which she had given me and woldnt be changing her will.
.
When my FIL died, my parents were on holiday in Africa. I called to inform them but the tour guide refused to put me through to them, as I wasn't the Next of Kin on the contacts form, even under my previous name.. 

Years later, when my mother asked me to accept Power of Attorney jointly with my brother, I declined. I told her that I wasn't going to have her blaming me, if she had to go into a care home. So if she has moved or gone into a home, then that would be a joint decision by my brother and her Executor, a magistrate. 

I'm not expecting anything from her and I'm not involved in decisions. 

I am disquietened by this photocopying behaviour however. Any ideas ? 

So what if she is trying to prove that?
Prove to whom?
To what end?

You (IIRC) don't have or want a relationship with your brother.
You don't want her money when she dies.

Do not let her get back inside your head. 

Jude57

MrsStepford said:

UPDATE FROM OP

I haven't seen my mother since February 2020 nor spoken to her since October 2020. My husband is back working from home now and lets landline calls go to voicemail, then deletes rants from her. Her numbers are blocked on my mobile but our phone provider won't block them on the landline, we can only get a new landline number which would mean massive hassle.

I have continued to receive mail from her, which gets ripped up. She has included cheques sometimes, which also get ripped up. If I had kept any of her narcissistic vitriol, I believe that I would have grounds to get her cautioned for Harassment. I have followed the advice given to me on this forum and not contacted her, the police or her solicitor. 

On Thursday, I received a letter which was sent without a return address or postmark on the envelope. It was the usual ranty stuff from my mother  As I was ripping it up. I realised that it wasn't written on her personalised paper and had no return address or date. It was a bad photocopy of a rant written in block caps on flimsy copier paper. She had inked over some faint words and letters. 

I'm a bit freaked out to receive two pages of photocopies. Why would she photocopy it and send me the copy ? 
Is she trying to prove that she has written to me and that I haven't responded ? The rant wasn't sent by registered or recorded delivery mail. Is she trying to justify cutting me out of her will ? 

I'm not expecting anything from her will and never have and she knows that. Since she was widowed 11 years ago this week, I have always told her that it's her money and she should spend it how she likes. She has been on several holidays including a cruise to Russia and she bought herself a new car.

When I changed my name a few years ago, I gave her a certified copy of the deed. She told me then, that she didn't like me changing the name which she had given me and woldnt be changing her will.
.
When my FIL died, my parents were on holiday in Africa. I called to inform them but the tour guide refused to put me through to them, as I wasn't the Next of Kin on the contacts form, even under my previous name.. 

Years later, when my mother asked me to accept Power of Attorney jointly with my brother, I declined. I told her that I wasn't going to have her blaming me, if she had to go into a care home. So if she has moved or gone into a home, then that would be a joint decision by my brother and her Executor, a magistrate. 

I'm not expecting anything from her and I'm not involved in decisions. 

I am disquietened by this photocopying behaviour however. Any ideas ? 

Re: Landline - you can buy an inexpensive handset which you can programme to block numbers. I have one bought in the sales and it lets me block specified individual numbers, ranges of numbers (say, all numbers from abroad) or to have callers from unknown or witheld numbers announce themselves so I can decide whether to answer. Such phones are widely available and I don't know why your landline provider hasn't suggested this, as it avoids even receiving voice messages, although my does have an answering machine too.

I agree with @Pollycat though. Your mother can only affect you if you permit her to. Take control and don't permit her to affect you.

gettingtheresometime

I'd just feed any letters through the shredder unopened 

MrsStepford

My mother is still harassing me, even though I haven't been in touch with her since October 2020. One of my cousins in Ireland called her, then berated me by text. I told him that I wasn't going to deal with her drama and demands, because my husband was diagnosed with COPD in March and he should butt out. 

I don't know whether he told my mother about my husband's COPD or not, but she has harassed me since. 

Another cousin has informed me that my mother is moving into an apartment, but she doesn't know when or where. She was given the info by my mother's brother in France. 

People have advised me time after time, to ignore her. What I don't want, is her sending vitriolic letters when I have no idea where she lives, so telling her to stop is no longer an option. 

She has accused me of accepting money which I haven't had. What next, accusations of theft ? My brother, sister in law, nieces, uncle and aunt, don't talk to me. Obviously, they believe her lies. Two of my cousins don't, however.

Even if I don't open her letters, the mere fact that they arrive, harasses me. This is way beyond the threshold for Harassment as a criminal offence. I want her to stop and stop NOW.

Should I contact a solicitor and get them to write her a letter ? 

MovingForwards

Why pay a solicitor to write a letter, just do it yourself and bin / burn anything she sends.

MsPennyMinder

Have you considered reporting her to the police and getting a non harassment order? She clearly is never going to stop otherwise