Dealing with my difficult mother

MaryCakes72

Cur her out, she’s not going to change and I’ve a suspicion you’re not gonna get that house when she dies.

MrsStepford

I'm not in contact with my adoptive mother. I received an email recently which I deleted and a voicemail asking me to read it. She had found the phone she used when she went into hospital last year. a friend had helped her to retrieve messages and contrary to the lies she had been telling about me, there were messages from me wishing her well. Her contrition comes too late. 

Still not forgiving her for child abuse, interfering with my life as an adult, and the bullying guilt-tripping stuff. Nor for wishing my husband dead, twice, out of spite. 

I never cared about the house or money and she always knew that. I don't care if she leaves half of it to destitute cocker spaniels in Africa. I chose not to share power of attorney with my adoptive brother, so he has to deal with her cousin, a magistrate abt thing and he's also her sole executor. 

Still waiting for counselling but I'm on my fourth university short course online and done other stuff which I wasn't able to do, with her narcisstic attention-seeking. 

olgadapolga

Whilst I'm happy for you that you are getting on with your life, I do have to ask why you actually looked at the email? Why not just delete it, as by reading it, she's still exerting control over you. Why haven't you blocked her email address and phone number?

KxMx

Yes that would be simpler but cutting ties with an abuser can take some time and be a step by step process.

Maybe one day OP will feel able to take that final step and feel some relief after doing so.

letthemeatcake

It is always better to cut ties completely, known as grey rock, so you do not respond to any form of contact ,even if they give you sob stories (and they will). It is so much easier for you and your husband to enjoy life without all of the drama and negativity your Mother makes, making decisions together that benefit you both.

MrsStepford

I have been studying hard and have passed several courses online including from universities and govt training.. Also been able to renew a professional membership which gives me letters after my name. Have been building my own website. Husband was let go 6 months ago on a Friday started better paid job on the following Wednesday. 

My birth mother's cousin is still in touch but my birth mother isn't and I don't care. My adoptive mother has given up contacting me. We got a Christmas card but husband put it in the recycling. My brother, uncle and aunt, cousins and nieces aren't in touch. I guess my name is mud because of her lies. I'm in touch with two of my adoptive mother's cousins though. 

I may not bother getting counselling. I'm getting on with my life even though I'm shielding. Husband has mostly been working from home since March 2020. We have a routine going, which works. 

swan6060

Feel really sorry for you, maybe you should try to maintain a distance because it is impacting you negatively

MrsStepford

Got a vitriolic email from my mother today. She's blaming me for her second Christmas on her own, though I feel sure that my brother would have invited her. She knows that I'm shielding. She told me that she has insomnia, rashes and blisters which her GP says is stress. I'm sure that she is blaming me, she more or less says so.

She accuses me of cashing cheques  - which she hasn't sent me. 

I'm thinking of getting a solicitor to end a cease and desist letter now, because I feel that this is Harassment. I've not contacted her since October 2020. 

Anyone done that ? 

tizerbelle

Why are you reading her emails?  Set up a filter so that any emails she sends just get deleted / sent straight to the trash folder.  That way you never even know that she has emailed you so you cant be tempted to read them. 

Do not start spending money on solicitors, that proves she has a hold over you still - its what she wants, a reaction from you and if you react, she has won - she is in control again. 

Pollycat

tizerbelle said:

Why are you reading her emails?  Set up a filter so that any emails she sends just get deleted / sent straight to the trash folder.  That way you never even know that she has emailed you so you cant be tempted to read them. 

Do not start spending money on solicitors, that proves she has a hold over you still - its what she wants, a reaction from you and if you react, she has won - she is in control again. 

Advice given many times many months ago.