Dealing with my difficult mother

MrsStepford

Received a couple of pages of lined paper from a shorthand notebook, all block caps, yesterday. My mother has sold her house and car and moved into an apartment in Kent. Looked up her house on Rightmove and she sold it in June for £630,000. Gave me her phone number but not address. I am not putting up with being harassed like this. I told my cousin when he interfered that husband has been diagnosed with COPD but she doesn't mention that.

Lots of wailing about her knees. She has had a lot of elective surgeries, privately. Varicose veins, titanium joint replacements in all her toes, knee replacements, two lots of bunion surgeries. 

In May 2022, I was walking along the top landing, when my right knee gave way. I crumpled to the floor and slalomed down a short flight of stairs, into the bathroom. I'm not an old lady yet, but my knee was swollen, bruised and painful. Husband had to buy me a commode. At first, it was as much as I could do to transfer from bed to commode but thanks to YouTube I was able to do exercises which really helped and now I can walk normally, without pain. 

My mother uses homeopathic remedies and if that doesn't work she gets surgery. She wouldn't dream of asking for physio or doing exercises herself. In fact, I have never known her to do any exercise. Not even walking.

 She doesn't eat a healthy diet either. For example, a plate of runner beans, nothing else, followed by stewed rhubarb and Birds custard. 

Pollycat

Why do you continue to open the letters she sends you?
Why are you posting about her illnesses and diet?

It's like a scab that you can't resist scratching.

MrsStepford

I didn't open the note, my husband did. 

She was wailing and whingeing about her health and knees but she's had a cushy life. Travelling around the world, jewellery, designer clothes, the whole ladies who lunch thing, two part-time gardeners, private healthcare, 

I took the advice given not to respond to her letters but now I have no idea where she lives, but she can carry on ranting at me whenever she wants. 

I want her to stop.

HampshireH

MrsStepford said:

I didn't open the note, my husband did. 

She was wailing and whingeing about her health and knees but she's had a cushy life. Travelling around the world, jewellery, designer clothes, the whole ladies who lunch thing, two part-time gardeners, private healthcare, 

I took the advice given not to respond to her letters but now I have no idea where she lives, but she can carry on ranting at me whenever she wants. 

I want her to stop.

Tell your husband to rip up and bin any letters he opens rather than telling you. That way you are unaffected.

carly

Your husband must know how much these letters upset you.  Tell him to throw any further letters in the bin unopened. Problem solved. 

Pollycat

MrsStepford said:

I didn't open the note, my husband did. 

She was wailing and whingeing about her health and knees but she's had a cushy life. Travelling around the world, jewellery, designer clothes, the whole ladies who lunch thing, two part-time gardeners, private healthcare, 

I took the advice given not to respond to her letters but now I have no idea where she lives, but she can carry on ranting at me whenever she wants. 

I want her to stop.

But why did he open the letter?

She can't carry on ranting at you if all her letters go straight into the bin.

Why are you even pondering on her ailments and the life she's had?

MrsStepford

She doesn't know that her letters go in the bin, because we haven't communicated with her since 2020. Not getting a reply isn't stopping her sending them or leaving nasty messages on the phone. 

Auti

It sounds like you are both unhappy and don’t know how to resolve it - she sounds jealous of parts of your life and you of parts of hers. I am not being judgemental just an observation with no disrespect intended. I hope you both find peace and a way to accept each other  - keep safe.

Pollycat

MrsStepford said:

She doesn't know that her letters go in the bin, because we haven't communicated with her since 2020. Not getting a reply isn't stopping her sending them or leaving nasty messages on the phone. 

But does it matter if she doesn't know that her letters go straight in the bin without being read?

As for the phone, can you block her number?
Why are you listening to her nasty messages?
As soon as you hear her voice, delete the message.
That way, you don't know what she's saying.

You have the power to ignore her but you don't seem to want to use that power.

tooldle

MrsStepford said:

She doesn't know that her letters go in the bin, because we haven't communicated with her since 2020. Not getting a reply isn't stopping her sending them or leaving nasty messages on the phone. 

I have a sibling. I’ve made it clear (in writing) that I do not wish to be in contact with him. He ignores this and randomly sends messages. The content is similar to as you describe. He won’t change nor will he stop doing as he does. I have a choice, I can let it annoy me or, I can act in some way to prevent annoyance. I chose to hit the delete key. You have the same choice. Chuck the letter in the bin and give it no further thought. With people who behave that way, the likelihood of letters/messages ceasing is small, so do the next best thing, whatever that is for you. Lock the letters away, burn them, bury them in the garden etc. Pick a course of action and follow through on it, don’t sit there stressing and insisting the other person changes their course as that isn’t going to happen.