Dealing with my difficult mother

KxMx

Perhaps you should consider why you haven't in fact fully cut contact with your adoptive mother- you may be not responding but you are reading emails which can be blocked.

Going to a solicitor for a cease and desist is way too OTT and dramatic when all you need to do is some blocking.

I'm sorry to say it sounds just like something the woman you want to get away from would do.

Perhaps you do need counselling after all. Recognition of her abusive behaviour is good but you then need to take action in cutting ties including blocking emails and calls.

They are two separate things and you haven't managed the second yet.

MrsStepford

I have my main email set up to dump her emails in the trash and so hadn't seen them for months. She has very recently started emailing me abusive messages to an old email address, so old I don't know the password for it. I used to use it to send photos to the media library of a website I haven't had for nearly 2 years. 

I was upset by the abusiveness. She was ranting that because she helped us out years ago with £1000 to get our kitchen refurbed, I owe her to be in touch and see her. That she spitefully told me twice that she hoped my husband died, doesn't seem a reason to avoid her, to her. Or that she abused me as a child, assaulted me as an adult and went behind my back, interfering in my life multiple times. 

I haven't contacted her in any way since October 2020. 

Savvy_Sue

However she got at you, the best response is not to respond. Find a way of blocking this email address / sending her emails to trash, and carry on ignoring her. 

Responding in any way - including with legal action - ramps it all up for her. Right now, she knows you have ignored emails to your 'main' email address, so she's trying an old one. But she has no idea if she's getting to you or not. Don't give her the satisfaction. 

Pollycat

MrsStepford said:

I have my main email set up to dump her emails in the trash and so hadn't seen them for months. She has very recently started emailing me abusive messages to an old email address, so old I don't know the password for it. I used to use it to send photos to the media library of a website I haven't had for nearly 2 years. 

I was upset by the abusiveness. She was ranting that because she helped us out years ago with £1000 to get our kitchen refurbed, I owe her to be in touch and see her. That she spitefully told me twice that she hoped my husband died, doesn't seem a reason to avoid her, to her. Or that she abused me as a child, assaulted me as an adult and went behind my back, interfering in my life multiple times. 

I haven't contacted her in any way since October 2020. 

But when you saw the email was from her, why did you even open it and read it?

Why not just leave it unread?

MrsStepford

I didn't. they open automatically ie you can see the message without actually opening it. The sender doesn't get a receipt saying you've opened it and you can bin it. It's to do with the AVS. 

Pollycat

MrsStepford said:

I didn't. they open automatically ie you can see the message without actually opening it. The sender doesn't get a receipt saying you've opened it and you can bin it. It's to do with the AVS. 

I also get sight of part of an email without opening it.
But my point is that you didn't need to read it all.
It seems to me that you read far more than was necessary of the email.
Once you saw who it was from, why didn't you 'bin it'?

arghhhh

MrsStepford said:

I have Type Two diabetes which is a chronic condition ie it's not supposed to get better. I eat low carb so it's in remission. but if I ate normally, I would get sick again. It takes a lot of effort on my part. I can't eat anything with sugar, so that rules out not just chocolate and ice cream, but also tinned soup, loads of over the counter meds, normal milk etc etc BUT I don't have any symptoms or complications, so it's worth it. 

My father died prematurely ten years ago, leaving my mother with a 3 bedroom house in the country, half acre garden, part-time gardener and her own Volvo. She swans around to afternoon teas, lunches, church, charity lunches, garden centres, historic houses and on holiday eg St Petersburg, Chester, Dublin, Venice. During the Covid-19 pandemic, she didn't self-isolate and her 'bubble' has more than 20 people in it. 

She called me and asked me to help her complete a form. She had decided that she ought to get a personal alarm (probably because older next door neighbour has one) and the form was a declaration so she could claim back the VAT. I pointed out that she couldn't do that, since she's neither chronically ill or disabled. She had a real tantrum and told me that there was nothing wrong with me so how come I could get it. She is waiting for a knee op and takes tablets for blood pressure, but neither qualifies her. She got really nasty because I wouldn't help her. 

The day after, she called to say she had got a date for her knee op. She called me an abnormal daughter because I wouldn't come self-isolate with her to look after her, yet she hadn't asked me to. She had told me that she was getting a carer via her health insurance. 

The day before her op, she was screaming down the phone at me, saying I wanted her dead. I don't and I have always told her that she can leave her money to a donkey charity if she wants. 

I'm getting to the stage where I don't want to know. Phone calls five times a day, she's always negative about me to family and her friends, she gives out my unlisted number and all of this is on top of child abuse. 

I don't think I'm being unreasonable or abnormal. I find dealing with her difficult. Before Covid I saw her every week, and she got flowers, pub lunches, chocolates, cook books plus birthday and Christmas presents. I don't want my abuser ranting at me. I feel guilty though because I don't feel much for her now. 

I have just cut my ties with my Mother on Christmas Day 2021. She undermines me in front of my children and without going into details, did this when my Dad was dying, so much that I had to keep leaving to give her time to calm down as it wasn't fair on my Dad to hear. My Dad was very ill all my life and lived a lot longer than doctors told he would, but obviously, we didn't know this as what he had was very, very rare. I have tolerated my mother's toxic personality because I do feel it would have been hard for her, but since my Dad died a few years ago, she is on overdrive. She was staying with us over Christmas and came a few days before (we are a 2 hour drive away). She wasn't able to come last year due to restrictions only allowing her to come and go on Christmas Day. The year before, she cancelled on Christmas Eve in the evening. This year for reasons unknown to all of us, she walked out of the house, slammed the door and disappeared for a couple of hours. We were going to go for a walk, but she didn't take her phone or a house key, so we all just watched TV and waited for her. She came in when we were watching a cartoon with the kids and started trying to start a fight with me. My 18 year old daughter was sat at the side of me and I didn't know at the time, but my mother had snapped at her because the present she bought her, with her first wage was not acceptable. I said 'It's fine' trying to calm the situation. She sat on the floor with a really angry face for a minute then walked out of our living room and started gathering her belongings. She came in and started saying that she was going, so I said fine and left the room so she would go as soon as possible without causing a scene, but my mother likes everyone to know when she's creating a scene, so she walked up two flights of stairs to my adult son's room and started banging on the door. My son answered the door, completely clueless as to what had happened downstairs and my mother started sobbing saying that it wasn't my fault, but she was leaving which basically translated to my son as 'I'm leaving and it's your Mum's fault. She had another go at me before finally leaving, but left all of our children upset and my 18 year old in floods of tears. To say she ruined the day would be an understatement and as a person who lives for Christmas and she knows this, it was the ultimate blow. I'm sick of apologising for something I haven't done for the relationship to move on. She literally ruined Christmas for nothing! Absolutely nothing. I was going to write her a letter, but nothing good would come of it, so I have blocked her number and I don't want anything from her. I wish her well and I don't want to upset her, but for the sake of my children and myself I have to cut ties. She's damaging, which I lived through, but I have a choice whether my children do. Our older two children are old enough to make their own decisions and I've made it clear, I understand if they want to see/talk to her, but I just can't anymore. I have other things going on right now that are causing me stress and I'd love to lean on her, but she's not that kind of mother. She was once talking about a miscarriage she had in her 20s and I opened up to her about how I had my first miscarriage at 17 feeling that we would have something to bond over but she replied by asking if it was with that **** (racist slang word) and before I could answer she continued that it was for the best as I would have ended up with a mix race baby!!!! I've had another 4 miscarriages since then and told her of none of them. She's poison. It's difficult because I want my children to have a grandparent, but everything she says is the opposite of what I believe in. My children love different cultures and I hate the racist crap that comes out of her mouth. I have spent so much of my life saying sorry for her and I am done. Write a list of pros and cons and decide what kind of life you want. It took me almost 40 years, but I don't regret my decision and my children are happier too.

arghhhh

swingaloo2 said:

I think you really need to step back form her. She is still controlling you. You are sending her things, buying her presents, having your husband deliver stuff to her. You are giving her the attention she is craving and getting nothing back in return. Why do you think you need to justify yourself to other family members? She is the problem.
You have a good husband and don't need this grief and anguish in your life. Step right back, have your counselling and take some time free of her poison and tantrums. Get yourself stronger which will help you deal with her and then only agree to contact on your terms if you feel the need to have her in your life. 
Step right back, put yourself first.

nora_nora said:

Out of interest, what is it that stops you from just walking away from her for good, given the relentless historic and current abuse you continue to suffer from her? Why do you even need this toxic woman in your life? Is it possible you may have Stockholm syndrome & have formed an emotional attachment to your abuser?

I can't speak for the OP, but their story is so similar to mine and I've done the same things. My husband decorates her house and builds things for her. She rarely comes to see us, but has complained about everything when she does. My Dad dragged her to the doctors for an Alzheimer's test and we were both shocked that it came back as clear. She is so aggressive, she snaps and will never let you finish saying anything unless it's something she wants to hear. I have done the same as OP by not telling my side of the story. I know she has said some horrible lies to all my aunties and uncles, but I've only spoken to my husband about her in person. She ruined my Dad's funeral, stormed out screaming every swear word and shutting down the service. All my children were there. I walked out after her to get her away from the building but she stood on the other side of the door making sure everyone heard her. That's the first time she's been like that in front of anyone other than my sister, her partner (who she hates) and me. We have another sibling on the other side of the world and she constantly compares us to them. I was recently made disabled after being in a car accident and I struggle to walk long distances. When lockdown was lifted in Summer 2021 she called me and said she was coming to stay with us. I asked her to come next week as we weren't ready for visitors - we were ripping up all our floor downstairs, but I had just had a miscarriage a couple of days ago and fallen down the flight of stairs that morning. I didn't tell her about the miscarriage, but told her about everything else and asked her to come next week, but she came that day. The next day she wanted to go for a walk and I told her I couldn't, it would be too much, which is why I suggested next week, because she always wants to walk. After about the 4th day of asking, she said she was just walking down the road to look at the beach and coming back. That's about half a mile and seemed like my best option to please her, stop the nagging about going for a walk and get through the rest of the visit. We got there and then she wanted to walk along the fields in front of the beach which meant climbing over gates. I had a massive bruise from my waist to above my knee on the hip I'd hurt the most when I fell down the stairs, plus I would have struggled to do this anyway, but she kept asking and I said that I had only agreed because she said it was a there and back walk. She did her usual trick of asking over and over again until she got the answer she wanted and off we went. I was in tears with every step. Climbing over the sides of the gates was agonising. My five youngest children were all in tow and about two hours into this 'quick' walk my mother started yelling at my autistic 8 year old because he was walking on his tip toes. He was wearing wellies and shorts and because we had been walking so long, the wellies had began to rub the back of his legs and they were sore. My son won't tell anyone if he's in pain so he needs watching all the time. My mum had run off in front and I could barely walk, let alone run to him. She was in her own world, All of my kids were miserable, but she started yelling at my 8 year old because he was, in her words "making her feel bad". She kept telling him he should have dressed better for a walk, but none of us were. We thought we were going up and down a short road. For the first time in a long time, I got cross. I could see what she'd done to me all my life, she was now doing to my child. Playing mind games, having everyone apologise for something they haven't done. I felt awful because I was not able to carry my son home and he had to walk. We were gone for just under 5 hours and to say I paid for it would be an understatement. My hips locked, every part of my body was life the joints were glued and I was soaked in blood from my miscarriage. 

I've considered walking away from her so many times, but it's easier said than done. To walk away would leave my little sister  with her and my Mother's family would not understand. If I walk away from my Mum, I would be losing my whole family. I wish I would have chosen to walk away this day and then she wouldn't have put my children through what she did this Christmas. My sister has said that she understands and may be joining me as she will say horrible things about her personal appearance, were she lives and she really doesn't hold back when it comes to her partner. I'm sorry, this is really long. I tried really hard to keep it short.

arghhhh

MrsStepford said:

She has emailed and I didn't even read it. I am sure she must have realised that it's pointless calling me, as I have caller display. I feel somewhat guilty because I'm not buying her Christmas presents, but she would take it as a sign that everything was back to 'normal'. For me, the worse thing, above everything, was when she hoped that my husband would die and leave me on my own. That was spiteful. After she did it the first time, I told her that crossed a line and I would walk away if she did it again. Obviously she didn't listen and she wanted to hurt me deliberately.

She told me that I was only sticking around for her money. Another lie, all I have ever asked for, is a painting by a painter & decorator, bought off the restaurant wall in a French village. She made a snide remark about putting her in a home (which she did to her mother) but I had already refused power of attorney, so that won't arise. 

I feel much happier without her in my life. That is sad, but it seems to me, she had this idea of the perfect daughter and I didn't measure up. I got called abnormal for not liking supermarket shopping. 

I identify so much with your story. I've cut all contact with my Mum and it feels sad because it's like grieving a parent, but more the parent I didn't get. I feel a huge weight off my shoulders and I too am fortunate to have a wonderful, supportive husband. I've asked him a lot of the questions you seem to have asked yours, as I've only recently started to see it as others might. She's very good at behaving in front of others, that makes me realise that she must know what she's doing. She called so much, even though she knows I home educate 5 children! If I didn't answer she would continue to call and if I did she would ask why I wasn't 'teaching'! I hope you feel like you can live your life now without having to please your mother. I finally at the age of 40, feel like an adult.

arghhhh

tempus_fugit said:

olgadapolga said:

Sea_Shell said:

Is posting here helping you OP?

It seems like you're constantly picking at a scab that won't heal, unless you leave it alone.

Your thoughts seem to be taken over by her, still.

Well, this is understandable when you take into account that the OP has had a lifetime (up until recently) of a toxic mother. These things take a while to deal with. 

Yes, I fully agree with this.

Mrs Stepford, I have been following your story for some time, as my situation almost exactly mirrors yours. I am male so in this case it is a mother-son relationship. I’m not sure if this is better or worse or just different, but other than that my situation is very similar to yours, the only other difference being that in my case it is my natural mother, which is why it has been a slow, damaging deterioration of the relationship over a period of 20-30 years, and with signs of the problem going right back into my childhood (I’m in my 60s now). There is this pressure to “be a good son” that I have not been able to fulfil, so there is guilt involved too.

Anyway, to cut a long story short, until recently my main contact with her was by WhatsApp, and I would check it for messages every day. I would sometimes message her but due to the nature of the history between us this didn’t always end well, and also didn’t count to her as “contact” - she wanted me to visit and/or phone. Again, due to the history, I am not well disposed to doing so.

When I contacted her about something I had heard from another family member earlier this year it turned out that she had not shared this news with me because she was basically punishing me for “not having been in contact and not visiting her for two years”. Well, firstly it hadn’t been two years it was nearer 14 months and the problem was largely down to COVID-19. I was hearing through the grapevine that my brother was visiting her probably monthly, but I had not heard this from him or my mum directly (our family is not the best at communicating), so if this was true then we couldn’t visit as we were restricted to one other household in the “bubble”.

The upshot of all this was that I was being punished for not living up to her expectations, but the thing that broke the camels back, so to speak, was that I had twice mentioned health issues that my wife had (which were still being looked into and there was/is a possibility that could develop into cancer, so potentially serious) and on neither occasion did she ask how she was doing, nor has she since then. So, I finally decided to deleted my account on WhatsApp and delete the app. It’s not a full “cut-off” as she could contact me via email but at least I’m not checking WhatsApp every day. The problem with blocking on email is that with gmail you can have emails automatically deleted when they come in but they still go into the bin so they are available for 30 days - you can’t block them completely without completely changing the email address, and I don’t want to do that. So I can understand some of your difficulties.

Anyway, I don’t think she will contact me now following the latest bust up so effectively we are now cut off from each other, and whilst it is sad (I have cried like it is a bereavement, which in a way it is) I also feel a lot freer not having that responsibility any more. A bit like your situation, my dad did everything for her and since his death 4 years ago I think she has expected me to step into his shoes and do everything for her. It’s not like she’s incapable, she can drive and apart from being totally unfit due to inactivity is in pretty good health for her age (82). Bit even my dad’s funeral was fraught as she abdicated all involvement with arranging it. Now I was happy to help her with it but she acted like it was my duty to do it, and yet what I did was criticised and not appreciated. It made the whole experience, which was traumatic enough, even worse for me as she forgot that I was grieving too.

And this comes back to the main reason for the bad relationship which is that I have had to live up to her expectations for decades and could not even disagree with even the slightest thing she said - she once put the phone down on me when she made a statement about something and all I said was “how do you know that, where’s the evidence”. The problem was that I had just agreed with her on everything up to that point and when I started trying to have my own opinion on things she took it badly. She has always seen me as her sounding board but only if I agreed with her, I couldn’t ever argue back. And she is only this way with me, my brother (who is younger) doesn’t have that same responsibility.

Anyway, sorry for this becoming a long post but I felt I had to say that I can see where you are coming from but do agree with some of the things other posters have said like letting her know that you are not accepting her behaviour as otherwise she will just keep doing it. In my case it means an effective end to contact because she expects all the initiative to come from me so that she can criticise it so it will not make the relationship any better but in your case it might get through to her what she is doing to you and if not then, as in my case, it means stopping contact and leaving her knowing that that is the outcome of the things she has been doing to you.

I watched Encanto with my younger children recently and the main character says to her grandmother ' I'm never going to be good enough for you, am I?' and that is exactly where I'm at. It's exhausting. Going above and beyond trying to please someone, just to be yelled at, undermined (in front of my own children) and left feeling like I have to apologise all the time. I wish I would have cut ties sooner. It was only my Dad that made me stay in contact and then after he died (just over 3 years ago), I felt obligated to help. I sorted her finances, planned and arranged the funeral and spoke at his funeral before she stormed out and made a mockery of that too. It's hard to write a short post when there is so much depth to the hurt, so I understand .