Dealing with my difficult mother

MrsStepford

Yesterday I received a Christmas card from my mother. I ripped it up and binned it. It was just a bog standard card, no letter or personalisation. I won't be sending one back. 

olgadapolga

MrsStepford said:

Yesterday I received a Christmas card from my mother. I ripped it up and binned it. It was just a bog standard card, no letter or personalisation. I won't be sending one back. 

Well done, that takes real strength. You're doing so well now, keep it up as it gets easier and easier.

I fell out with my siblings years ago. I had to, unfortunately, have contact with them again this year (issues with parents) but it was polite, passing contact. I showed absolutely no interest in them. My mother was in paroxysms of joy as I was willing to be polite to them. They then tried to invegil themselves back into my life via my husband. It was a lot easier to cease all contact the second time, despite them trying to get to me via my family.

The hardest part of it all was telling my mother that, actually, I still wanted nothing to do with her other children. The stupid thing is that my mother knows and understands why I want nothing to do with them but she still wishes otherwise. I don't have a problem with her feelings on the matter but I would rather she didn't try to exert pressure on me as it's not very fair, I've made a choice and that choice should be respected.

MrsStepford

I get exactly where you're coming from. Mothers tend to want a harmonious family despite difficulties and put pressure on the son or daughter not meeting their expectations. It's all for show, complete hypocrisy. 

MrsStepford

Update. My husband is working from home and he was on a call, when his personal phone rang this afternoon.. It was my mother. She left a message saying that she wanted him to drive down to her place (an hour away) anytime after 4pm, because our Christmas present is perishable. I haven't bought her a present or card and haven't spoken to her since October. 

Husband is less than impressed, since back in October, she told me (for the second time) that she hoped that he would die so that I would know how she felt so he deleted her message and we have no intention of visiting. He thinks that it's an attempt at bribery. Knowing my mother, however, yes it is BUT it's probably a hamper which isn't low carb or gluten free. My mother believes that diabetes means that there's nothing wrong with me and that gluten-free = fussy. 

Husband has suggested that I write a letter to my brother about everything and I'm mulling it over. Opinions please ? 

jennystarpepper

How much support has your brother given you? I'd guess zero over the year's.  As i have found with my siblings if you are the one being abused they will not step into help because whilst you are taking the 'brunt' of it they will be left alone.

I would not involve your brother, I'm sure your brother is very aware of all you have been forced to endure, he is as guilty as your mother for not supporting you.

I would forget about the hamper, it is just an attempt on her part to keep adding fuel to the fire, and it will be sometime before she gives up.  Stick to your guns and keep reminding yourself what she wanted to happen to your husband.  

It will be a tough Christmas but when you look back you will wish you had done it years ago.  

Wishing you good health and happiness for Christmas. X

MrsStepford

My mother called my husband today while he was in a zoom meeting and left a message, saying sorry to bother him at work and could he please pick up the presents. I don't doubt, that's it a bribery attempt and I don't doubt either, that if we don't pick it up, that will be grist to her family rumour mill.
 
My husband thinks that there's so much more beyond the abuse, that my brother doesn't know about and feels that I should tell him and just leave him to his own conclusions. That once it's sent, I dn't ever have to contact them again. It's not just my parents and brother who didn't support me, it's my uncle and aunts 1 & 2, both grandmothers and one grandfather. 

KxMx

Perhaps you could write the letter, and then see what you feel like doing with it? 

TomokoAdhami

I can understand your situation and I can feel how much it is tough to deal with this kind of parents. I know it is very easy to cut off all connections and relations with her but don't you think you are picking an easy way? Do you think should we leave all people who have psychological issues alone on this planet? She is your mother and it has decided by nature. We can end some relations in life likewise we can divorce our husband, can break up with a partner or cut off our relations with our family members but we can't leave our parents. We can't exist without them. I know I am giving difficult advice but I would suggest you to take care of her without any benefit for your inner peace only. 

Mojisola

MrsStepford said:

It's not just my parents and brother who didn't support me, it's my uncle and aunts 1 & 2, both grandmothers and one grandfather. 

TomokoAdhami said:

we can't leave our parents. We can't exist without them. I know I am giving difficult advice but I would suggest you to take care of her without any benefit for your inner peace only. 

We can leave parents who do nothing but make life miserable. MrsStepford's mother is not alone in the world - she has the people listed on her side. 
The only way for MrsStepford to have inner peace in the rest of her life is to cut the destructive ties - she won't have any if she gives in to her mother. 

jennystarpepper

TomokoAdhami said:

I can understand your situation and I can feel how much it is tough to deal with this kind of parents. I know it is very easy to cut off all connections and relations with her but don't you think you are picking an easy way? Do you think should we leave all people who have psychological issues alone on this planet? She is your mother and it has decided by nature. We can end some relations in life likewise we can divorce our husband, can break up with a partner or cut off our relations with our family members but we can't leave our parents. We can't exist without them. I know I am giving difficult advice but I would suggest you to take care of her without any benefit for your inner peace only. 

Have you experience in matters such as this?  I am sure you ment well but this is very bad advice.