Does it ever "get better"?

1trainer1

Just been reading this thread with interest, I have a 3 year old daughter and know how hard to find things to keep them entertained are until i found an app called HOOP, its an app that tells you things to do in your local area and there are loads of free things on there as well.

We go to playgroups in the local church during term time which is free, go to the woods for a treasure hunt once a month for £5.00, play in parks and go for walks in the countryside which she loves.

We cook every now and then, make biscuits and cookies at home which she loves

Happier_Me

It's okay to have a woe is me moment as long as you kick yourself up the bum after a short time and start doing something about your mood and then your situation. No-one is going to come along to fix this for you, you need to take steps to improve the situation yourself. Easier said than done, I know, but sometimes when we feel so low we don't always think clearly.

You could take the job on much less pay with not so good hours and I can see the draw towards this option because it offers some security at least. Personally, I don't think this is the right decision for you as a family, from information you have shared. Why? Because your husband is going to seriously damage his health or worse, your children or lose his job if he continues to work nights and look after them during the day. This MUST stop and I would base your decisions around this change.

I don't take recommending the benefits route lightly but in your situation I think you need to rule this in or out as an option. You can return to work when the children are in nursery or school. So take control today by:

1. Using a benefits calculator to work out if you will be entitled to any help if you stop work and rely on your husband's wages. What's the result?
2. You should get job seekers for 6 months plus your redundancy lump sum. Check this out and also the impact of job seekers on any benefits you can claim.
3. Next a SOA. Write your incomings and outgoings down, use your bank statements if you have to work out where your money goes. Account for every penny. Accept the fact that you don't have money for treats, but you are taking positive steps to address that. You need a balanced budget so the aim will be to strip everything down to the minimum. If you are home you can focus on making every penny stretch ie batch cooking etc.
4. Work out the best way to maximise your income by working and not lose any benefits? A cleaning job early mornings for instance or shop work at the weekend, when your husband has had enough sleep to look after the kids properly. It doesn't have to be permanent.
5. What more do you need to spend on your wedding? Make a list, cross out anything that you can get away with and work out how to do the rest on the cheap: make it, borrow it, call in a favour, buy it second hand.

You can do the bulk of this today because it's just time and research but you might have the bones of a workable plan by the end of today that will save both yours and your husband's sanity.

If you need advice re: benefits and your SOA come back to the forum.

-taff

annandale wrote: »

There's enough stigma surrounding mental health issues without someone unqualified telling someone else on a forum to make sure they don't get a diagnosis of anxiety.

Some people on these forums do suffer from depression, there's a long running support thread and people should be able to go to the GP for exhaustion or anxiety or depression without being made to feel that it's something to be ashamed of.

I read her post as a warning not to self diagnose, not as an unqualified person fiving advice on doctor diagnosis

annandale wrote: »

I think its up to lulu's doctor to decide whether she's suffering from any kind of depression or anxiety or not as the case may be.

which was her point

annandale

The poster you refer to mentioned anxiety and depression. Exhaustion had been mentioned prior to that by another poster. Not depression or anxiety.

-taff

Posts 32, 34, 35 mention them
And he was still advising against self diagnosis.

Kynthia

Lulu I'm so sorry you are going through a hard time but I'm sure it will get better at some point. We all have rough points in our lives where bad things seem to happen all at once.

Apologies if I've missed it but when is your wedding? Is it far off or relatively soon, as I'd imagine things will improve a little afterwards due to having that expenditure over with as well as no more stress due to organising everything?

With regards to being completely fed up with being unable to do any new, fun things with the children I can completely sympathise with this. Does your local children's centre run classes or is there a Sure Start near you? Is there a local Facebook page you could ask suggestions for inexpensive places to go and children's groups to attend? Is there a twins group near you for support and fun? Could you ask people to buy you and your girls a season ticket to a local farm with soft play or a gift voucher for a family day out somewhere as birthday and Christmas gifts? I am currently getting great value from a farm annual pass which has animals, a park, an indoor soft play, an indoor sand pit, and extra attractions at various times during the year. The indoor stuff means it's great all year and in all weather.

Having pre-school children can be a difficult time. Life can be a hard slog with working, commuting, cleaning, looking after the children, a never-ending to do list, and very little sleep. This does improve as they get older as they sleep better, make slightly less mess, and start to play more independently. I have a 3 year old and a 9 month old and I've been made redundant too, but I don't have financial worries and I've not started my new job yet and I still find it exhausting with long days and a messy house.

Normally I tell people to compare their redundancy payment after tax with the monthly take-home of stating with the company to see whether the redundancy money is worth taking. However I can't imagine how you are going to job hunt for a better job (money, hours, commute) while working and caring for young children. So it might be better to take the redundancy and spend time job hunting and allowing your partner to sleep a little more. It could be the breather you need but it is a risk. I hope things go well for you.

Former_MSE_Andrea

Hi lulu92

Hopefully you've already checked our main site guides but just in case you haven't...

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enthusiasticsaver

Life throws up all sorts of challenges so I would not say that it gets better but the challenges are different each time. Having young children, especially two is a challenge and blessing and I think your twins are roughly the same age as my granddaughter and she is adorable but hard work sometimes. If you are not in debt you have done very well so far and working long hours without paying for childcare is extraordinary but is obviously taking its toll on you and your OH.

The job insecurity for both of you is also difficult and although not ideal you do have a job. Have you calculated how long the redundancy would last if you took that and how easy would it be for you to find anything else? Yes the wedding timing is not great but if you booked it before the trouble with your job cropped up and you lose too much deposit wise I would cut back completely on it and try and keep costs to a minimum.

I think you will find life may get easier when your twins are slightly older and both you and your OH are getting more time together and sleep.

Candyapple

https://forums.moneysavingexpert.com/discussion/5510678

Is this the same mummy’s boy you’re going to marry who a year ago you were ready to walk out on because he didn’t have your back and chose his mum over you? The same one who didn’t bother getting you a birthday gift and his mum blamed you for it? The one who said your opinion about guests in your house doesn’t matter because it’s not your house?

Did you ever resolve the issues between the both of you?

I vaguely remember from that thread also there were issues of resentment on your part for him not having proposed/you two being married yet despite being together for many years. Did you end up popping the question in the end?

You do realise that just because you may be wedding planning and have set a date, if nothing has really changed and you both haven’t had counselling separately and together as a couple, your marriage won’t likely last very long. You both have a lot of issues to deal with.

Fireflyaway

What you have listed is a series of difficult events and I really don't mean to be flippant but that's life. You have hardships and you will have more at some point. Most people will experience illness, money problems, relationship problems, work issues etc. People may not openly let it show but virtually everyone has difficulty at some point.
Build an emergency fund to protect you if there is an emergency / drop in pay. Other than that remember all the good things and they probably outweigh the bad.