How do i get it through to him??

miserly_mum

sammy_kaye i've re-read a few of your older posts this morning. Your situation with your BF reminds me sooooooo much of me and my now ex-hubby.

He also had debt when we got married which I gallantly said i'd help him with, but I somehow ended up paying it off. (thats love for ya :rolleyes: ) Strangely enough he didn't cut down on his lifestyle to compensate for it. Still liked his drink, cigs and he was the bookies best customer.

This was to be the blueprint for the rest of our time together. Him wasting money left right and center me scrimping and cutting back where I could to make sure he had what he wanted and all the bills were paid.(ring any bells?)

Even after we had kids his life remained the same and i'm embarrassed to admit now....but I enabled him to do it. Didn't see it at the time but I did. I went without so he and the kids got what they needed.

He used to lie constantly about everything and anything too. It got to the point everything he said I analysed to the max. My mind was never at ease. He had also had several affairs (some I knew about others I didn't find out about till years later)

We were together 12 years and in that time I went from a 21 year happy, self confident young woman to a dowdy, couch potato who never went out and had no self confidence. (Him telling me I was fat and boring didn't help)

He also made promise after promise that he never kept and I kept on trying in the hope he would change. He's now 45 and with a new partner and guess what......he's still the same.

Get out while you are young enough to rebuild your life.

slash69

oh sammie sending huge hugs...after seeing a lot of your other threads good and bad i think you will cope better than you think you have been an inspiration for so many.......
just ask yourself two things it may make YOUR decision easier
1.do you want little ben seeing/hearing or sensing an atmosphere between you both??? kids see /hear more than we thinkl...
2.could you ever believe or totally trust what he says EVER again????
without trust i dont think a good relationship has a chance...
good luck hun thinking of you and ben

sammy_kaye18

WEll

its been waht 2 hours and ive jsut had a text saying

'ive got to pop in to pick my bike up then ill go up mums to give you space'.

Ummmm..................no.

i have text his mother saying he wants his bike cna you come and get it because i dont want to see him and am awaiting her response but she was my rock last year when all this carp went on and knows whats happened today and has already said her son is an idiot a few times today. So hopign she'll nip down to get it at some point today as i dont want to look at that idiot today at all, let alone let him in my flat.:mad: :mad: :mad: :mad: :mad: :mad: :mad: :mad: think id be likely to batter him as Im still majorly P'd off with him and you dont wanna mess with a woman scorned!!

As for me - I am now off to blast my chemical romance through the house, get my housework done before I go to collect my little boy

am still online - jsut might not be at the desk

RebekahR

Stuff the housework poppet! Packs his bags and give them to his mother too ... then trot to the shops and get a new lock and change the door. While your at it let the council know you have changed the locks and chucked him, also ask about an exchange to be nearer your family ... Job done. Don't let the idiot back in.

Rachie_B

CB1979 wrote: »

all my point is, don't just listen to people saying get up and leave, kick him to the kerb et al, just cos their previous experiences.

only you know what you can & can't get out of the relationship and i don't see the point in staying with someone if you're forever wondering where, who & what they're upto but ultimately only you can decide that.

.

I am not basing my comments / thoughts on my past experiences.
Sammy has posted many times about her life situation, over the past whatever months

and I just think she deserves better / doesn't have to put up with all this

Thats all

x

MissSaz

Hi Sammy,
I have been reading your thread with interest today. It would apprear that when you had your deep and meaningful conversation 8 months ago, he told you what you wanted to hear....ie. that he would not go on the course but that is was now suddenly a different one from the other women etc......it's taken 8 months and finally the truth has come out..it would seem he maniputlated the conversation back then to A) be able to do this course and see his lady friend and stop you from walking away/throwing him out.
It would be easy for me to say "leave him now" but being in a relationship myself with someone who is a compulsive liar, I know it isn't always as easy as that and in a couple of days time when you calm down you will probably soften your current view.
If however you think he is having an affair I would suggest you do as much digging around as possible to try and get to the bottom of it.
He knows he is in the wrong if he is hiding away at his mums, so please do not let him turn this on you....YOU have NOT done anything wrong!

Good Luck xx

sammy_kaye18

dim? Ive helped him with many issues hes had over the last 6 years and vice versa including helping him get debt free, running my household, supporting myself and raising our child so i think being dim is nowhere near the correct definition of me.

and in fact i am not the one posting dimwitted comments on other peoples threads when i have nothing beneficial to say on the matter.

teguise_2

I've been there too, my 1st hubby used to treat me worse than a dog at times. His parents said it was their fault but I'd get used to it. 3 children and 10yrs later I left him taking the kids with me. Why did I stay? Because I loved him and thought if I treated him the way I wanted him to treat me he would change. Sadly it didnt happen n he's still on his own 17yrs later, while I remarried 5 yrs ago. Learn to look after yourself first and fore-most so that you keep yourself strong n healthy so you can be there 100% for caring foe children. Life does get better but dont carry grudges coz it only eates away at you inside. Let it go and life will start to look alot rosier.

Good luck

debt in 2006 £55,000
debt in 2008 £49,000
proud to be dealing with our debt :j :j

MrsTinks

Point one to everyone: BE NICE TO OTHER MONEY SAVERS!

Sammy - don't take this the wrong way but it seems a bit of 6 of one and half a dozen of the other - ok maybe slightly showing in your favour but it's twosided is what I am trying to point out
Purely going on this thread then you clearly don't trust him, the issues from less than a year ago are STILL a problem and there seem to be a whole load of negatives to the relationship.
Whether or not he's lying - I think it's just the final drop and not the entire issue here.
My honest view is that the two of you don't respect eachother - and that's no basis for a healthy loving relationship and it doesn't provide a good environment to bring your children up in. Having a mum and dad that live together is not always best if they argue and call each other names if living apart would provide them with a less hostile environment. My parent separated when I was young because they didn't love each other and my mum found someone else - to this day however they are still good friends and have both carried on their lives and remarried. Knowing my parents then if thye had stayed together it would have been deeply unhappy - my mum would have mentally ground my dad down as she's by far the stronger personality...
I think you need to decide if you want to carry on with him or not. If you do then I think BOTH of you need to go to councelling... If not for you two then for your kids. They don't deserve to be in a home where mum and dad show them it's ok to call each other the c word or worse...

Be strong and you'll get through this.

mrcow

Okay, so thinking about this logically, there is (now I've been corrected lol!) a plausible explanation as to why the photo was there.

There is also a plausible explanation (although you may not like it!) as to why he lied about the course.

I think that if you didn't have a child together, then I'd be inclined to say walk away now and cut your losses, but realisitcally, this guy is going to be part of your life forevermore in whichever shape or form and for this sake you need to sort your differences. Whether that means that you stay together as a couple is something only you can answer.

I take it that you are only 22 (is it?) ....well that's very young to have 2 year old and you come across as more mature than that in many respects. But you are young, and I think that we are all perhaps a little more insecure when we are younger. This doesn't mean though that he should throw your age back in your face at the first given opportunity!

Looking at your previous posts, this man seems to make you incredibly unhappy. That's not what a loving relationship is all about. you stated in one of your threads back last year that you'd promised to each other that you were going to start spending much more time together as a couple and that you were going to have some time for yourself as well.....you should be getting out and meeting up with your friends. You are your own person as well as a Mum and it is so easy to get bogged down with worrying about everyone else, that we often forget to be taking are of ourselves.

Talk to your boyfriend. See what he has to say and what he thinks needs to be happening going forward. Think about what you want too. All relationships are only ever as good as the work that goes into them. If you both want to make it work.....start putting some dedicated time into each other.


Edited to say:

When I say "talk" to your boyfriend.....I mean face to face.....not by %**$^£&* text message!!!