Wife's 30th birthday

paddy's_mum

danandjens_worldtravels wrote: »

Sneak a peak at those bills or sit her down keep going past the tears and arguments (these are distractions to keep you from the truth) until you have answers.

^^^^ This is exactly what I was thinking.

In the OP's shoes, I'm afraid I'd be blatantly searching for the information that is needed. If the wife refuses to be fair, I'd think it completely reasonable to do so for how else does he protect himself, and indeed the marriage itself?

I suspect he'll find that the debt is increasing, spent on fashionable frivolities. If the debt has not reduced substantially, that in my view would be a betrayal - and my next bit of money would be spent on good legal advice pending separation, not upon a handbag.

The OP may well love his wife very much but if he isn't careful, she will drag both of them under. He needs, above all, to know what the truth is.

Good luck.

onlyroz

Say you will give her (e.g.) £200 towards a birthday present and if there is a particular bag she has set her sights on then perhaps she can sell some of the things that she never uses and put the proceeds towards the new bag.

supermassive

I'd buy her a calculator and an accounts book... maybe a money box.

tea_lover

If you give in on this OP you'll be buying her a unicorn that poops solid gold by the time she's 40... and probably be homeless.

Hedgehog99

The handbag will make her happy for, what? half an hour? Three days? ...then it'll be relegated to the spare room.

She's caught in the "nice things make me happy" trap. She thinks she'll be an amazing person if she has the bag (and some of her air-head friends might agree), but, when the reality that she's still the same person hits, the bag will go in the spare room.

Besides, who wants the risk of walking along with something as snatchable and valuable? Plenty of nice high-street ones and she has two in the spare room already!

Keep your money and encourage her to get help/counselling. Did her parents never show any care or affection, but just buy her stuff as compensation/out of guilt?

jemb

I'm same age (i'm 30 in April though) and been married and together the same. A couple of things. You knew she was bad with money/ debt but married her anyway. Do you have joint finances? Surely she can see you cannot live the champagne lifestyle she wants on the tapwater budget. I agree with others who have said you need to sit down and talk to her about your finances. She sounds like a past friend of mine, screwed her husband into the ground with demands. You need to tell her frankly, that doesnt fit in wih your budgets and lifestyle.

duchy

Tell her you'll buy her a bag like that to celebrate her clearing the last of her debt -but for her 30th you have something else in mind.

BakerBoy

Just to add to the "How much?!!!" comments…my wedding cost a lot less than £1700.

Back in the day, I lived with a girl who liked the designer handbags and shoes. Each cherished purchase was adored for all of two weeks and then in the cupboard with the rest. I was in decent job, she earned 3x as much as me. Guess who was skint at the end of every month and who had savings? Glad that's over.

I'm now married to someone else and her debt became our debt, a problem shared. My business became our business, more problems shared!! I wouldn't have it any other way, as we both have a mature and committed attitude to being partners in every area.

I have friends who constantly bicker over money, the issue of which one put up the deposit on the house comes up all the time. Can't see that marriage lasting.

Think you need to make some serious efforts to help her resolve her issues. If that isn't going to work you're going to need to think about the future of the relationship. Can you spend the rest of your life with this person? If so, great...

DigForVictory

Oh boy. She must be quite a gal, OP.

How strong are you feeling? As if you've been taking your vitamins & getting in the long country walks & so forth, you may be ready to lay down a bit of tough love. Which sounds like it is needed & by far the best present she could reasonably be given.
However, contusions do raise questions in the workplace...

The Talk does need to be had. If she's bragging about that bag to her "friends" (and she needs a new circle, pronto, although that is trickier to sort,) then have it well before the birthday so that screaming match is done; and any repeats are merely that, repeats.

I'd definitely go along with the gifting her the bag (in a sale, after she's paid her debts), but I'd have all my paperwork clear & expect her to be equally open & honest.

If you're into longdistance running, print this thread off? It'll be a unique birthday greeting, even if you recognise it amongst divorce papers.

She's young - she may yet be teachable. No matter how cute she is though, she needs to learn "No". I do not advocate either a rolled up newspaper or rubbing her nose in it - you know how best to coax her, but this special birthday? Is the one where she gets a gift beyond price, of learning.

itsanne

Your wife sounds both immature and selfish, so I hope there's more to her than the snapshot we see on here.... otherwise the birthday ending in tears appears to be the least of your problems.

I know you've posted about the birthday present, but you've already had a unanimous 'NO!' on that so I'd rather focus on your more important cause for concern.

First of all, you have been given the very worst advice it would be possible to give in suggesting you should have a joint account. Do not do that. You've already seen the impact a bad credit report can have. Only consider it eventually if your wife's whole approach to finance changes, she clears all her debts (other than the student loan) and manages her finances in a way you are comfortable with for some considerable time. Then, and only then, might it be something to consider - but remember that not all couples share finances and you don't have to either.

The student loan is nothing to worry about. It is almost certainly paid automatically from her salary so your wife will be paying it whether she wants to or not. More importantly, it won't be increasing.

You have to know the situation with the credit card as that debt could be increasing, never mind not being paid off! (Even if she is not still spending on the card it could be inceasing becasuse of charges.) As you are footing the bill for pretty much everything so your wife can pay off the debt, I think it is perfectly reasonable to ask how that is going. Any reasons she gives for not telling you are just excuses to deflect from your right to know. Unfortunately I suspect that is what the arguments are - deflections. Even more unfortunately, I think you really must accept that there will be an argument, bite the bullet and have it out with her.

You say your wife earns a lot more than you. If that's the case and you pay all the bills and have also managed to save, there is no reason why she shouldn't have managed to pay the credit card debt off in the time you have been with her. Even if you consider only the time you have been married, £7000 is not a huge sum to pay over three years for someone who has a job and is paying little as far as other bills are concerned. Do you know what she is spending her money on? That would cause me some concern.

Ignoring the student loan, if your wife's debts have not significantly reduced I think you should stop subsidising her by paying everything. Even if they have, I would suggest a time limit for this state of affairs to continue. Apart from being unfair to you, in the long run it is not actually helping her to become more capable of managing for herself. What would happen if you go on to have children and something happened to you?

I don't envy you some of the conversations you are going to have to have, but I would suggest getting them out of the way well before the 'big' birthday.