Partner lying about debts

hkm23

Apologies for the long post, but need to unload.

So I've been with my partner 6 months. His wife died 2 years ago and due to her long illness and losing her job he ended up in all sorts of debt. He didn't open letters and due to grief wasn't really bothered what happened.

From almost day one I knew he had "some debt", this didn't worry me - I understand why he ended up with it, and at the time he did what he could to keep going through what was a horrible situation for him. Having been in debt myself 20 + years ago I understand you have to make tough choices as to what to pay, and sometimes those choices are wrong.

Fast forward a few months into our relationship and court papers arrive, which I recognise. He admits he was caught driving without tax/MOT or insurance and asks me if I would help write a letter to the court explaining his circumstances at the time, which I did. He told me this resulted in 6 points and £300 fine - which seemed very light at the time. Plus the charge sheet only mentioned no insurance - no mention of the no car tax part.

I knew he had a CCJ as well, which he told me he had 3 more payments to make, in total about £300.

I also discovered he owed Anglian Water a lot of money, and have written to their fund asking for help on his behalf. He is now paying off the debt at £75 a month, but the CCJ he owes them still appears to be outstanding.

He has admitted to debts with a couple of pay day loan companies too, plus a bank loan which will finish early next year.

He owes money to his parents for the funeral costs.

So debts he has admitted to are about £5-6K

About a month ago the bailiffs turned up whilst I was there on my own. I didn't answer the door but got really scared as they were practically kicking the door in for half an hour before they gave up. When he got home he told me he had only realised a few days earlier he had somehow missed 3 CCJ payments (about £300) and this must be what it was for. I said I would pay it off the next day for him, and he gave me his card so I could do so. It was the HMCourt card thing.

But...and it is a big but, something hasn't been ringing right for me about all this- he supposedly had no warning letter about the bailiffs etc. So I went looking for paperwork to check it out for myself. And I am horrified at the scale of what he has not told me about.

Turns out he was summoned to court in July for the no tax part and fined £915. The bailiffs came round about that - I found the arrest warrant letter too, dated a month before they turned up! The £300 fine was just for no insurance and then was in Sept.

It appears he was also arrested for non payment in 2012 and in both 2011 and 2012 wrote dodgy checks for tax discs and ended up in court.

There are also other letters about other payday loans too, but given what I've read on here they may be from companies who have bought the loans and are trying their luck.

And also worryingly, the CCJ for the water company appears to still be outstanding - which is what I thought I had paid off!

In the past I have told him to level with me on this, I've re-assured him it doesn't matter what he did, it's being honest that matters the most. He has told me he finds it difficult to trust and open up as he's been hurt in the past, but accepts I am not like those that hurt him before.

I have a job where honesty and integrity are everything and if we are to have a future, which he says he wants, I need to know everything he has done as it could affect my job as my partners have to undergo security checks as well. I have told him this, but made him aware the most important thing is not to lie about it - even if it was very minor, lying is seen as far worse than the offence in a lot of cases.

So today I made some enquiries with the courts and have found out he has at least paid off some of the £915 and £300 fines he got in the last couple of months, but they wouldn't tell me if payment plans had been agreed. But he's paid off almost £300

I feel that I have given him plenty of opportunities to level with me, especially over the car issues - and I am upset he has lied again. He said he doesn't want me to pay anything else for him, he needs to do this on his own as otherwise he'll feel even more useless. When the bailiffs came he said he'd understand if I left him as I shouldn't have to deal with his problems.

I really feel I am left with no choice now. I am going to have to confront him over it as I can't have a future with someone who can't trust me and open up to me. But in order to do this I am also going to have to admit I have gone snooping.

He knows I checked the register of fines, as I told him, but it only showed something from last year, which he couldn't explain, but given he doesn't open most of the post he gets this is probably why.

I get he is scared, despite my assurances I won't leave, I can see he might doubt this, but he has a good heart and took a lot of physical abuse from his wife in the years before she died and amazingly is still capable of loving me. I want to help him -not necessarily with money, but with support and understanding. I am very good at budgeting now, I have no debts and haven't done for many years, and I intend to keep it that way.

H doesn't earn that much in his job and had a 2nd job on Sundays too, so he is working long hours and has also sold a lot of of own stuff too to raise money.

So my question is - if I confront him with the evidence of his debt, can I then trust his answer or is he only going to admit to what I've already found out? And realistically can I have a future with him if I am having doubts already about what he is telling me??

Can anyone with debt help me to understand why you would keep it from someone who loves you and has repeatedly told you honesty is the most important thing, and what you've done doesn't matter? If he told me he owed £50K I wouldn't run away, because he had told me. But I think he hopes it will all go away. He says he needs time to open up, but the longer he leaves it the worse it seems to get. And I can't help wondering what exactly my £300 paid off!!

tealady

Hi
It is hard when you feel he has lied to you, and you cannot admit to looking through his stuff.
I would suggest that you refer him to someone like Stepchange who could help him. He may also want to speak to others who have been victims of abuse rather than to you as it is often easier to open up to strangers
Please do not give him any more money, I know it is hard but he needs to face what he has done. How would you feel if you paid £1000's of pounds off his debts then you end up splitting up?

Dobbibill

this needs to be addressed sooner rather than later because as you say the longer it goes on the worse it's getting for him financially, understanding yet assertive as you need to get to the bottom of this before it escalates beyond reach.

I agree with the PP though to not lend him anymore money as he is not being truthful with the amount and trying to bail him out will not help discover the reason he is in this situation so that steps can be made to prevent it in the future.

Support and understanding will help and by going through everything with them, putting plans in place even via Stepchange using their online tool or other such debt charities will help as it will give real structure to the debt.

I do wish you well with this challenge, it is hard and sometimes people find denial or ostritching an easier option over facing up to things.

DB

poppasmurf_bewdley

I certainly hope you haven't opened any joint accounts with him or you will be linked financially with him, and all his problems will become yours.

Puddylove

My advice may be viewed as harsh here - but I'd get shot of him and find someone who treats you with the respect of being honest.

I went through all of this with my ex - he lied and lied about debts and only admitted he owed £26k (on a salary of £17k) when we tried to buy a house together.

I forgave him, and helped him - taking on extra work which came with free accommodation, budgeting with him, paying for extras.

But you know, a liar is a liar to the core - and he cheated on me, lied repeatedly about using Adultworks, etc.

So get rid - not for the debts, and not because 'he doesn't trust you' (you are paying off his debts, what more evidence of your support does he need?) but because YOU can't trust HIM.

P x

leicestersq

Puddylove is right.

Driving without insurance and MOT shows a lack of respect for anyone else. That is a red line for me. You have listed a lot of other red lines.

I think you have already made your mind up. Following through isn't so easy though. I hope you can.

PinkPoppies

I'm afraid I'm with Puddycat to an extent.

6 months is no time at all, your relationship should still be feeling new and fun

2 years is not a lot of time to have passed since his wife died either. Is he getting professional support to cope with her death and the abuse he suffered? Really sounds as though there are (understandably) some serious underlying issues here that he needs help with.

Your instincts are probably right I'm afraid, and I'd listen to those alarm bells. You sound like such a lovely caring and devoted person but the situation you both find yourselves in doesn't sound like one that is going to be easily resolved alone- I'd second the advice above about him contacting a debt charity like Stepchange and also strongly suggest he seeks help/counselling to begin to deal with his issues, if he hasn't already.

Easy to flippantly say 'just leave him' but of course life isn't so black and white. Perhaps a little step back might be in order though, until he is in a better place mentally to cope with another serious long term relationship- from what you have written I'm not convinced he has reached that point yet?

VanyaHargreeves

I'm afraid I have to agree with the above sentiment. Reading through your post, an awful lot of alarm bells sounded for me.

I know it's tough but looking at it objectively, 6 months is not very long and I'm wary that if he is lying to you at this extent at this stage of the relationship, it's likely to just keep going or even get worse.

I think you need to sit him down and have a serious chat with him, tell him he has one final chance to tell you about his debts, and if he still doesn't reveal then I think that's it. You need to seriously think about whether you wanna continue with this relationship.

[Deleted User]

I spent 7 years with a very accomplished liar who could always give very plausible excuses/reasons for things that should have ring alarm bells. He almost destroyed my faith in myself and others. I ditched him and haven't looked back since.

Monkeyballs

Six months in and alarm bells are ringing and with good cause after being repeatedly lied to.

I don't disagree with what others have said and lets be real about this, it's six months... Better to do something about this NOW than wait until it's 6 years.

BUT at the same time I can't help but think that there must be a reason for what he is doing? I hid my debts from my last GF because I was ashamed and wanted to "be normal" and while I'm not saying that it's the same case here I can hand on heart say that if my GF had any suspicions I'd rather have her come out and challenge me to give me the opportunity to come clean than just walk out on me...

I defo wouldn't give him any more money though.

MB

hkm23

No he hasn't got over losing his wife, he still has a lot of her stuff about the house, although slowly he is getting rid of it. He has never spoken to anyone, not even his parents about what happened with his wife - she was an abusive alcoholic and even stabbed him, which he never reported.

He is out of the house 13 plus hours a day, so getting to see someone is very difficult, he just simply doesn't have the time. Yes he is a damaged soul, but I was once too, and I recovered and I believe he will, in time get better. He says being with me has given him a reason to live again, and he sees us spending the rest of our lives together.

No, I don't have any accounts with him. I am solvent, with the mortgage paid off and healthy savings - and I am not about to give it away either, so we're not living together. We are taking things slowly and I don't want to make mistakes.

Yes, it would be easy to walk away, but I want to give him a chance, something I don't think he has had before, something I never had when I was in his situation. I think feeling "normal" may be part of the reason he is trying to hide it. He has spoken about thinking of ending it all in the past as it is too much to deal with, and I can see why he made some of the choices he made - such as writing dodgy cheques, as he probably figured at least he'd visibly have a tax disc. As he said, sometimes he had to choose between eating or being evicted, and it's easier to write a dodgy check than it is ignore a bailiff trying to arrest you.

I shall definitely speak to him about Stepchange, I have read about the DRO and that might be an option as he has no assets other than a few personal bits and pieces. A year without payments would mean he could clear his fines and get back on track. Although I appreciate it would then take 6 years to recover his credit file, but it might be worth it. He did consider bankruptcy but don't think he knew about a DRO. Does anyone come round to check on your assets or is it done on a declaration basis?

I've decided Saturday is D-Day. He will be given the opportunity to come clean, once and for all, and hopefully I won't have to admit how much I know - although I shall drip feed bits if I think he's holding back on me.

I do really care about him and would like to have a future with him, but only if he can open up.