Partner lying about debts

Puddylove

Sorry, but I don't think he cares for you.
If he did he'd;
Respect the importance of your job, by being honest about money.
Get counselling regarding his wife (how do you even know that's true?)
Tell you truthfully about his financial affairs.
Walk, cycle, bus to work rather than putting us all at risk.

So this Saturday is D-Day when you are going to force him to tell you 'the truth' but you're having to drag every confession out of him, having snooped into his situation?

Do you really see a future with a man who you constantly have to monitor and police (because he's basically a liar) just for the warm glow of 'rescuing him' and 'giving him the chance no one gave you'?

You're going to get cross with me now, I know, but in the future you are going to reread this thread and realise I was right.

Learn from my mistakes - be happy!

P X

National_Debtline

hkm23 wrote: »

I shall definitely speak to him about Stepchange, I have read about the DRO and that might be an option as he has no assets other than a few personal bits and pieces. A year without payments would mean he could clear his fines and get back on track. Although I appreciate it would then take 6 years to recover his credit file, but it might be worth it. He did consider bankruptcy but don't think he knew about a DRO. Does anyone come round to check on your assets or is it done on a declaration basis?

Hi hkm23

Re: a DRO

It is usually a case of declaring one's assets on the relevant forms - there is no visit, but the Insolvency Service will do random spot checks on applications from time to time. If he does not have assets exceeding £300 (or a vehicle exceeding £1K) he has nothing to hide in any case.

Please note that certain debts are excluded from a DRO. These include student loans, Social Fund debts, Child Maintenance arrears and, most pertinently, any magistrates court fines.

Good luck with everything

Dennis
@natdebtline

AppleDap

Hi
I believe you posted that you paid £300 with a court card to pay for the water ccj.

Someone correct me if I'm wrong but aren't court payment cards for paying off fines ?

You wouldn't usually pay a water ccj to the court but to the water company.

You say that his fines have started being paid off and has been reduced by £300, the same amount you paid the other day to the water ?

hkm23

I have seen paperwork relating to his wife and why she died, he showed me that, and he explained her illness and losing her job were the main reason for debts mounting. He works 40 miles away and lift shares so just had to drive the 10 miles to his pick up point. We live in the countryside so there is no public transport. I'm not defending what he did, but I understand why he did it.

I will not tolerate any more lies, no matter how I feel about him. If he does admit in all on Saturday and I later find out anything else than that will be it. This is his last chance. I can't afford emotionally to allow it to continue.

Interesting point re respect . I hadn't thought of it that way before so will take that on board. If he loves me like he says he does then really he should be able to talk to me, especially as I am not going to get angry with him - which he knows.

Can't say I am looking forward to the talk but it needs doing.

Thanks.

egoode

hkm23 wrote: »

Yes he is a damaged soul, but I was once too, and I recovered and I believe he will, in time get better. He says being with me has given him a reason to live again, and he sees us spending the rest of our lives together.
..........

Yes, it would be easy to walk away, but I want to give him a chance, something I don't think he has had before, something I never had when I was in his situation.

It is not your job to fix him, only he can do that and you say you didn't have support when you were in the same situation but maybe that's what made you put the effort in to get out of the situation you found yourself in. Even if he goes to counselling which it sounds like he desperately needs he still needs to be the one to put the hard work in to make his life better. It can't come from you or anyone else.

I'd also be a bit wary of believing everything he says about his late wife as he's already proven himself to be a liar and from all that you have written especially about him thinking about 'ending it all' he's emotionally manipulating you to stay with him and that to me is the biggest reason to leave now while you are still early in the relationship.

hkm23

The fines paid is actually £283 the card thing is an HM court all pay card. But now you have me wondering if this was in fact issued just for the fine rather than the ccj! But I paid £300 so where did the rest of it go? Plus I've seen on his recent back statement he paid £65 last week to HM court so presumably some of the £283 is what he had paid. Hence why I am wondering!!

curiousralphy

I think this guy is manipulating you. You're singing his praises and it still doesn't look good. You seem like a nice person who will help others and he's telling you whatever he has to when you catch him out and not before. He's also being very dodgy telling you that you are his reason for carrying on, you're saying that you're the lucky one because he feels he can open up to you. That's his luck, not yours, people make you feel grateful for "being allowed" to help them when they are using you. My advice would be to run far and run fast. I don't mean this as a criticism of you, my OH is the nicest guy I know and people will happily get him to help them beyond reason, he's too nice and there comes a point at which someone is taking the mick, he will say no but only once they go way too far and then he feels crappy and a bit taken advantage of....not so much since he met me though...I'm the snarky one who tells them off

I have to agree with some of the others on the wife as well, something really doesn't sound right there. I would also be careful about setting this guy off, not sure why.

VanyaHargreeves

I applaud your good nature and your willingness to help, OP.

It's true that sometimes people just need a little bit of help to open up, but I beg you to be careful here. I know that you love him and want to give him an opportunity rather than just cutting and running, which is fair enough. I do honestly think that you should draw a line for yourself though and decide when enough is enough and stick to it, as it sounds right now that you'll do anything for him. Don't risk your financial security for someone that you seemingly don't actually know that well.

twiggy86

I'm not going to comment on what you should do relationship wise but...
Someone suggested that you shouldn't tell him you've snooped - the problem here is that he's lied, so you can't then lie yourself. He left you in a position where you didn't believe his lies and he wouldn't open up and tell the whole truth. I'm not saying snooping is ok, but he gave you reason to doubt him. Plus if he knows that you know, maybe this will lead to him opening up.

FBaby

He has never spoken to anyone, not even his parents about what happened with his wife - she was an abusive alcoholic and even stabbed him, which he never reported.

Sorry to say this, but how can you trust the above when he has blatlantly lie about his debts.

You sound like a lovely person, prepared to give people going through difficult times a chance to get better. The problem is that people like you tend to attract manipulative people who use that kindness to their advantage. They are usually real charmers, amazingly convincing, and know how to flatter, spoil and give attention to make the person they use feel loved.

I am not saying this is the case of your boyfriend, but I would have very serious alarm bells in your case. The 'I am a poor soul who was abused by my ex, built up a debt because of her etc...' mixed with the lying is concerning. You seem to be protecting yourself financially as you are clearly clever, but make sure you protect yourself emotionally too as it is often this that lets trusting and caring people down.