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Partner lying about debts
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mmm this is a bit confusing but you - or rather he - needs to sort out exactly which debts are which. CCJs - for the water for example - would be obtained in the County Court, whereas fines subject to an arrest warrent would be obtained in the magistrates court. These are completely different systems and he needs to be very clear on the difference between them and the penalties and time scales for paying each one. Muddling them is part of his unwillingness to face up to his situation - and he needs to do this for both his future and any future you may have with him.0
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Hi HKM,
Just been reading your story and very sorry to hear what is happening. Have you actually seen his statements and what is coming out?0 -
Tells you one lie, covers it up with another lie, covers that up with yet another lie. The lies seem to come far too easily to him, I wouldn't trust him if he told me tomorrow was Monday.
I doubt you will ever get a straight answer from him about anything......................I'm smiling because I have no idea what's going on ...:)
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I'm with Errata on this one - you sound like a lovely caring person but this should still be your relationship honeymoon period and definitely not the time to be bogged down by his lies and excuses. I spent years with someone with similar traits - always lying about debt (which incidentally I found out about a few months into the relationship) and it didn't matter how hard I tried to help - there was always another money crisis around the corner (I cannot even imagine how much bailing him out cost - it would probably still make me cry!!!). My advice would be to be strong, walk away and put your loss of £300 down to experience - you deserve a great guy without that kind of baggage - you cannot fix everyone no matter how lovely your intentions are. Big hugs ((()))0
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Can anyone with debt help me to understand why you would keep it from someone who loves you and has repeatedly told you honesty is the most important thing, and what you've done doesn't matter?
Your possible approach of helping with the administration but not money and researching options seems like a good one.
My main reservation is your security clearance and the risk to it if he doesn't fairly rapidly get on board with dealing with things. At the moment he clearly is a threat to your clearance, with unstable debts not being properly dealt with and the consequent potential for emotional or other blackmail of you, regardless of whether you would actually succumb to such attempts. I'm no expert but I expect that at a minimum you'd need to show good administration and sensible short, medium and long term plans to deal with the situation. Explaining this without making it sound like a threat would be tough so you might well be best off just going with helping him to administer things without getting into this aspect.
The debt-related laws are in general set up to allow ways out so once you and he can get things administered well there should be clear solutions available that will show him that there's an end to this. For him that realisation may well be a significant turning point, potentially also for your relationship given your help in getting there.
But no illusions also. Not everyone is interested in changing and not everyone is willing or sometimes able to manage finances decently. While I'm hopeful you still might have to walk away at some point.0 -
Nubbins- I have seen some of the statements, so I do know he is trying his best to juggle the debts, but even with doing the car boot every week he is just not earning enough to keep on top of everything. I think a DRO maybe the way to go for him. He's been selling anything and everything for months to raise a few extra pounds.
He is adamant he doesn't want to be a burden or move in together until he is on top of things debt wise, and emotionally re his wife. I appreciate that. And I am also well aware I do not want to compromise my security clearance either!
I hope he takes on board what I said and follows up on wat we have agreed.0 -
You (he) should be able to get the £2 Equifax report on line straight away. Accepting that Experian and Noddle may show different, at least it will give you a start point.
I'm afraid I am leaning towards him being a manipulator - and I think you should gird yourself for a shock when (if) he shows you his credit reports.
I hope things work out well for you. Having been the one who kpt debts from my OH, the support you are offering he should be grabbing with both hands. But he isn't.LBM July 2006. Debt free 01 Sept 12 .. :T
Finally joined Slimming World: weight loss 33lbs...target achieved 51wks later 06.05.13 & still there :j
Aim to be mortgage free in 2022. Jan 17 33250 Nov 17 27066 Mar 18 24498 Sep 18 20608 Nov 18 19250 Jan 19 17980 Mar 19 16455 May 19 15024 Nov 19 10488 Feb 20 8150 May 20 5783 Aug 20. 3305 Nov 20 859 Mortgage free, 02.12.20200 -
What are you doing, being with this man?
No, sorry, I'm going to have to shout this:
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
You are the answer to his prayers - but not in a romantic way!
You're solvent, in a steady job, home owning, with savings.
He is: in debt up to his eyeballs, spinning you sob stories left right and centre about his 'poor me' past - and using every SECOND you stay with him, to worm his way under your sensible defences, and make you so fond of him that you will end up turning everything you have ever worked for, over to him.
My God, you have a lot to lose! And don't you think he has his eyes on it?
PLEASE listen to what people on this thread are telling you. Step away from the firework! It will explode in your face!0 -
Hi HKM,
Are u sure he's not a compulsive gambler, I was very close to someone who was and everything you have said so far fits like a glove apart from the statements.0 -
Fantastic advice - my ex was a gambler (which I found out later on) your man has all the signs - we don't have your blinkers so we can see the bigger picture - please cut your losses now!mademoiselle wrote: »What are you doing, being with this man?
No, sorry, I'm going to have to shout this:
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
You are the answer to his prayers - but not in a romantic way!
You're solvent, in a steady job, home owning, with savings.
He is: in debt up to his eyeballs, spinning you sob stories left right and centre about his 'poor me' past - and using every SECOND you stay with him, to worm his way under your sensible defences, and make you so fond of him that you will end up turning everything you have ever worked for, over to him.
My God, you have a lot to lose! And don't you think he has his eyes on it?
PLEASE listen to what people on this thread are telling you. Step away from the firework! It will explode in your face!0
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