Partner lying about debts

Errata

He's thanked me countless times for helping but is adamant he needs to sort all this himself, but will show me everything from now on.

It's nice that he's thankful and will sort everything out himself. Leave him to it - he doesn't need to show you everything and you don't need to look at it. You're not his mummy.

FBaby

So for now looking good.

Just to say that this is not uncommon, a bit like the alcoholic who gets caught with bottles hidden in the shed, who empties them all, stay without a drink for a week or so, let their loved ones believe this time they really meant it, give them a bit of slack, and before they know it, the bottles are found in the cellar.

All good so far indeed, but it is really in time that you will be able to make a real judgement of his commitment to sort the problem out.

jamesd

Errata wrote: »

he doesn't need to show you everything and you don't need to look at it. You're not his mummy.

Unfortunately she does need to pay attention because the people responsible for her security clearance will care about these sorts of thing. Anything that could potentially make her subject to blackmail will be a factor for them and debts that are not being properly managed, either personal or in a close relationship, are one of those things.

Armorica

FBaby wrote: »

Just to say that this is not uncommon, a bit like the alcoholic who gets caught with bottles hidden in the shed, who empties them all, stay without a drink for a week or so, let their loved ones believe this time they really meant it, give them a bit of slack, and before they know it, the bottles are found in the cellar.

All good so far indeed, but it is really in time that you will be able to make a real judgement of his commitment to sort the problem out.

Without knowing his history, it's pretty difficult to judge - as you have - whether this is a long term, personality driven issue (like addiction), or whether this is simply a one-off, triggered by grief/traumatic relationship.

Errata

jamesd wrote: »

Unfortunately she does need to pay attention because the people responsible for her security clearance will care about these sorts of thing. Anything that could potentially make her subject to blackmail will be a factor for them and debts that are not being properly managed, either personal or in a close relationship, are one of those things.

Would a boyfriend of only six month's duration be checked out by security?

hkminca

I don't think it is a long term issue, he does have the remnants of a very good filing system, so in the past he was on top of stuff. The last few years have certainly worn him right down and he does find it hard to be positive, but he is trying. But I can't expect him to totally change his ways overnight.


Just facing up to everything is huge, and I told him I was proud of him for taking the decision to sell his prized things. Yes he missed payments, but in the space of a year he's managed to clear over £1000 worth of debt -a big ask of anyone counting pennies I think.


As for security clearance, yes, it could have a bearing as if we move in together he will need to be cleared too. Until then he is ok. It's not so much an issue what he has done/not done, but that I know about it. As James said, anything that could be a potential blackmail issues needs to be uncovered.


Thanks again everyone for your advice.

egoode

I could quite easily be a blip in his life I know when my Mum passed away I missed paying bills and my finances were a mess, although luckily I didn't get into debt just had a few late payments. Grief can take a long time to recover from especially if it's someone so close but if there were also abusive issues that's a double whammy of major things to deal with. I think you are right to try and support where possible but don't become his crutch and it does sound like he at least knows he needs to be the one to sort this out. Definitely keep taking things slow. Good luck.

Newme2014

Probably best to get it all sorted before you get a mortgage with him

https://forums.moneysavingexpert.com/discussion/5031044

LandyAndy

Newme2014 wrote: »

Probably best to get it all sorted before you get a mortgage with him

https://forums.moneysavingexpert.com/discussion/5031044

:rotfl:. Changing usernames and then posting on old threads in your new name. Schoolgirl error.