Partner lying about debts

Puddylove

To add;

I thought mine lied about debts because he was bad with money.

But the truth was he lied about debts because he was a liar.

hkm23

Whilst I hope he does knuckle down and change his ways, I shall keep in mind everything you have all said. Actions do speak louder than words.

Errata

hkm23 wrote: »

Well we had the talk today, he was definiely caught off guard and was quite uncomfortable, but that was understandable!
He claims he has no knowledge of the fine from July the bailiffs turned up about -and I can't remember if I opened the letter or if it was already open.
He reckons the court asked him when he went about the car tax issues from last year if wanted to include the CCJ in the payments, so he thought the ALLPay card was paying this off as well. He told me originally the CCJ was for council tax and water - now he says he meant car tax and water, but when he realised he'd told me the wrong thing he panicked and then decided not to admit it.
As for the arrest warrant letter, which I know he opened, he says he never got that either and short of going upstairs and dragging it out of the cupboard it's in I left that alone. Perhaps he didn't read it, or perhaps I am being naïve.
He says the council tax arrears have been taken out of his wages over the last 3 months- and the last payslip I saw was August so that should be easy fo him to prove to me.
I checked the number on the AllPay card and it doesn't match the 2 new fines, and as he claims to not have made any payments against them yet I can only assume there was only a small balance left on the card and the "over payment" then got allocated against the 2 new fines. But I also think I saw on his recent bank statement he has made a payment online to the court for £65 - but he maintains he paid £15 only as when he rang the court after the baliffs arrived they told him he needed to pay £315 - and I paid the other £300.
What I don't get is that he has got payment plan in place for the fine from Sept which I did know about - and he showed me the paperwork and the 1st payments isn't due yet, yet why when he rang the court didn't they ask him if he wanted to set up a plan for the July fine- which was outstanding? And if my £300 went mostly to the 2 new fines, why haven't the court split it equally between the two an not two odd amounts allocated each??
I did want him to log into his bank account and show me his payments but his PAYG package ran out yesterday and he claimed not to know where the latest bank statement was - although I knew where it was I didn't want to have to go and drag that out either.
I pointed out he hasn't paid of the CCJ yet for the water company- he said he had. I told him I knew he's had a water bill and it was still on there. He said he hadn't got it yet and it was due next month. I said "do you really want to do this - me tell you where it is" at which point he said " so you've been looking in my stuff" - which I admitted. I told him where it was and ironically he's had an updated bill from them this morning, which was in his bedroon, which he hadn't opened - which clearly showed the CCJ is on there. I know he has made two payments towards the bills since the CCJ but this I think still needs paying off separately. He says he will ring them and find out what he needs to do about this as he is now paying £75pm but this seems to be coming off the previous outstanding bills first rather than the CCJ- perhaps this is normal??
At this point he got quite upset and there was a lot of crying and him saying he felt even worse now that there was yet another fine to pay off and he couldn't go on and had had enough etc etc. I made it clear I will not hear such rubbish and saying such stuff is selfish. Again he told me to go and be with someone who deserved me, and he had nothing to offer me and was broken. It was sad to see.
I've told him I want him to do credit checks with experian, equifax and noodle and show me the results, which he agreed.
I gave him the courts email address and explained if he emailed them with my details I can then deal with them, but he says he needs to do this himself, but will show me all the emails.
I have made it very clear that if he has kept anything from me and it comes out later he knew about it today, then that will be it- I've said I feel he hasn't respected me by lying and I can't tolerate that. He apologised a lot.
He actually thanked me for trying to help him, and said that although he wished I hadn't snooped he appreciated why I felt I had to.
I am still processing todays events. The next week or so will show me if he has levelled with me fully. If he does what I asked and does the credit checks and shows me the court emails etc and bank statement then I will be happy.
Yes there are still things today, like the arrest letter he didn't admit to, and he was a bit hazy on dates, but having seen his "filing" system - a bag under the bed, it is possible, I suppose to not be 100% sure on things.
I have said I will offer all the support I can, but not money, and we talked about StepChange and a DRO - neither of which he knew about.
He says he loves me and wants a future with me, but at the moment feels he has nothing to offer me and has no idea why I want to be with him. I know he is low right now, but I hope he will feel better in the next couple of days that it's out in the open now.
Much as I also love him, if he doesn't follow up on his promises to me, then I will walk away.

"him saying he felt even worse now that there was yet another fine to pay off and he couldn't go on and had had enough etc etc."
A suicide threat? Tell him to go to the doctors.

Brightspark87

I wish I could talk to you the way I wish I could talk to my mother in law. She is in a similar situation but with an alcoholic too. She is a wonderful caring giving lady, who just wants to be loved.

He will not change, he will continue to lie and its so sad that a lovely person (which you seem to be) is having to put up with this kind of treatment.

Everyone can have past issues with debt (trust me both me and DH do) but honesty about them is the key not the debt itself.

Lying about money breaks trust and trust is vital in a relationship.

Stay strong and good luck x

wishus

Hello hkm23,

Unfortunately I agree with the rest of the posters. It may not be what you wanted to hear, and I think you probably need some convincing still before you take an action you would rather not take.

My first husband was bipolar, and spent when he was up. I'd countersigned a loan for a car, and then didn't realise he could go back to the loan company for further loans without my signature to which I would still be liable.

The ensuing issues led to our split... I learned a lot. It just so happens that my current partner is also bi-polar and has had similar issues with money in the past but it's how he has dealt with the situation that makes a huge difference. He is open and honest, and we talk about money a lot.

My ex-husband is also thriving with his current partner, and doing much better now. I'm afraid that although he loved me, he wasn't learning from me that there would be consequences to "us" if he lied about money. I was in fact enabling him to lie, albeit unwittingly.

I took my time dating my current partner, and didn't move in with him until I was sure it would work and we could both afford it - that was 4 years down the line. True love will wait.

carrielovesfanta

pm'd you

FBaby

Whilst I hope he does knuckle down and change his ways, I shall keep in mind everything you have all said. Actions do speak louder than words.

I think you have the right attitude. I do believe that everyone deserves a chance and whilst many people don't change, many do. You've started this relationship being prepared to support him, so nothing wrong with it.....as long as you don't lose your perspective of the fact that he could be taking you down with him.

It's not easy to do so because in most cases, it is small actions after small actions, testing one's emotions and even the smartest, more aware people do get caught, so you do seem prepared to leave him if he continues to lie however much you love him, so if you are sincere with yourself over this, then I think you will be fine.

I really do hope you will come back on this thread in a few years to tell us that he did sort himself out and you are happily sharing your life together with confidence that his money problems are far behind him.

hkm23

Well so far so good. He contacted the courts yesterday, and sent me copies of all the emails. It appears that he had 2 lots of fines totally about £900 each. The first lot were the ones he fell behind on and it was these that he thought he was being chased for by the bailiffs, however he maintains he never received the summons for the 2nd lot this July, and I checked the paperwork again and the outcome letter notifying him of the fine he hadn't opened. I've gone through all the paperwork and can't find any summons, and he doesn't even know I've gone through all his stashes. Since our talk Saturday he has also gone through them too and put all the paperwork in categories.
The court have told him that as he didn't respond to the fines in July, this meant they issued an arrest warrant for him-which is still outstanding. However as he hasn't had the summons and therefore couldn't submit a defence or financial details they have said he needs to go back to court to make a declaration and then he will have the opportunity to submit everything. The court has said the earlier he can go back is late December, but in the meantime the warrant and fine will be cancelled. The list the court sent of the payments he made shows in Oct he paid off £500 , which he admitted last night he got by selling some of his prized Sci Fi stuff, and he didn't tell me as he felt a failure for getting behind. So the ,£300 I paid went against the 2 new fines.
Anyway the court were very helpful in providing the info on all the cases so we both know now what is outstanding.
Tonight it's credit reference agency time and again he is showing me all those too.
He's thanked me countless times for helping but is adamant he needs to sort all this himself, but will show me everything from now on.
So for now looking good.

Kitty777

I agree with everyone - you need to walk away before it brings you down and you are both in trouble.

6 months is not that long really, not long at all. You shouldn't have to be worrying about this 6 years down the line, let alone 6 months.

Your partner is obviously still, or not started, grieving. The best you can do is refer him to step change and possibly to his GP for some help with his grieving process and then walk away. It will be difficult, but it is a lot of debt and you seem to have your head on your shoulders. Please don't let his debts become yours, it isn't worth that.

Take care of yourself.
x

jamesd

hkm23 wrote: »

the outcome letter notifying him of the fine he hadn't opened.

That's pretty common for those with debt troubles, just not opening the post or waiting then never getting to it. That may not fully change until he's confident that all of this is behind him and has been for years. Until then he may wonder if there's some bad news that he just didn't know about or forgot and new letter whatever is about that when it really isn't.

hkm23 wrote: »

in the meantime the warrant and fine will be cancelled. The list the court sent of the payments he made shows in Oct he paid off £500 , which he admitted last night he got by selling some of his prized Sci Fi stuff, and he didn't tell me as he felt a failure for getting behind. So the ,£300 I paid went against the 2 new fines.

Pretty good overall, particularly the £500 that helps to show he has been trying to deal with it even while not telling you about things. Nice not to be subject to arrest as well! I suspect that the payments helped the court to view him favourably, not like someone trying to evade everything.

hkm23 wrote: »

Tonight it's credit reference agency time and again he is showing me all those too.
He's thanked me countless times for helping but is adamant he needs to sort all this himself, but will show me everything from now on.
So for now looking good.

Yes, looking fairly good at the moment. Good luck with tonight, probably some surprise to find but unlikely to be too hard to deal with on the legal side at least.