Partner lying about debts

Puddylove

It's a lovely trait, looking for the good in everyone.

But - I think this man is using you.

My advice would be 'Run, and don't look back'.

P x

hkm23

Thanks guys for the advice/tips. I guess it is hard to know for sure if someone is actually using you, as they aren't exactly going to tell you if you ask them!
No, he's not a gambler, thankfully.
As I've said,if he doesn't do the credit checks and sort out the fines etc and show me the proof, then I am off. Much as it will hurt me to do so, better to do it now than a few years down the line.

[Deleted User]

I have an ex. Says he can't remember his childhood it was so bad, car fines he said he'd paid off but hadn't (had bailiffs coming round my door only last year). Then he managed to 'acquire' more car fines last year. He'd already moved out by then. He moved out because he took my debit card to pay for car insurance, car insurance I'd clearly said I couldn't pay but he said I'd said it was ok somehow.., even though I clearly didn't have the money in the bank to pay for it.

He also put me into a situation where I couldn't pay all the rent, said he'd pay it, and didn't. He said he had for two months. I could have lost the house we live in (me and the children). I scraped the money together and paid it myself.

I've paid off bailiffs twice for him.., not teensy amounts either. Each time it was the only amount he owed, until the next time. But last year I refused, and he had to sort it himself. He did. Not sure how but he did so he didn't really need me to help, I was just the easy option!

I am an organiser and helper too.., I was ideal for him. Even when I'd known he'd lied in the past, he could still manipulate me. Pretty much saying what your boyfriend said to you, actually. I tried to set boundaries, financial and emotional, but he'd try and find a way through.

AND the fact that he could be so deceitful still means I will never look at another man again. It was 8 years of emotional hell. Obviously it takes two to tango.., I was a fool. The signs were there.., I didn't ignore them, I tried different strategies to deal with them.., but nothing worked because he wasn't living on the same playing field as me. He didn't want to resolve things, he just wanted to not deal with it unless he had to.

I have a son with him.., I still have feelings for him but they are firmly fenced off. I have to deal with him because of our son.., but it hurts. He did enormous damage and well, he just didn't care, however much he protested he did.

Please distance yourself from him. You aren't in too deep as yet. Find a man who can give as well as take, emotionally and financially.

I am afraid what your boyfriend (can't call him partner, sorry) says to you (particularly what you related in your last post) sounds all too familiar. Read what you have written.., please see the inconsistencies. Don't treat him like he's you.., he's not. He has made choices and despite your best efforts he continues to make the same choices. To quote - the best predictor of future behaviour is past behaviour.

Seanymph

Bless you - he hits a lot of your buttons obviously. You want to 'help' him, you have 'been there' you can be useful and supportive and understanding and 'make him right' again. Because the poor sausage is in this terrible pickle and it's all someone else's fault.

But that person has died, so you can't ask them.

I have no comment on the debts, but I have a huge comment that I want to make about him.

He's not available to you for an adult partnership, for an equitable, loving relationship which is run along lines of mutuality.

And you are being mugged off.

It may be that he doesn't know what he's doing, that he's in a pickle - but it doesn't alter what is happening to you.

He isn't over his ex. If she wasn't dead you wouldn't want her stuff all over the house, you wouldn't take on face value that he was a victim for so long.

But being a victim is working for him huh?

He hasn't moved on - in any way shape or form. His behaviour is steady, and constant. He has no respect for the law, for the court system, and he lies to appear better, then lies to cover it up, then makes it someone else's problem.

Add that to someone who is not yet emotionally available and he sounds a right catch.

You 'love him' - why? Are you sure you don't feel you can 'fix' him, that your drive to be 'needed' and 'useful' aren't tilting your vision.

This guy is not going to appear anytime soon as a character in any romance books - and you are not doing yourself any favours.

Loving a widower is hard enough without loving one that is a manipulative criminal.

charliecrisps

Maybe he isn't manipulating her .. Maybe he is genuinely ashamed of the debt. And doesn't really want/isn't capable to face up to it either. Sounds like he needs help. But...after 6 months I wouldn't tell my partner the extent of my finance affairs either and i'd be pretty annoyed I'd they snooped through my mail.
I've been in the same position... Except I lied to my partner. We're still together.. But I almost dumped him from snooping through my personal paperwork!

Seanymph

There is a big difference between being ashamed and not wanting to tell someone, and big fat lying and taking money off them.

Errata

hkm23 wrote: »

Thanks guys for the advice/tips. I guess it is hard to know for sure if someone is actually using you, as they aren't exactly going to tell you if you ask them!
No, he's not a gambler, thankfully.
As I've said,if he doesn't do the credit checks and sort out the fines etc and show me the proof, then I am off. Much as it will hurt me to do so, better to do it now than a few years down the line.

Are you prepared to stay with a bloke who can't afford to buy you a Hob Nob? Actually, he can't even afford to offer you a cup of tea.
Are you prepared to continually tell him what to do with his finances when you will have no guarantee he'll do it?
Can you live on a knife edge never knowing what's the truth and what are lies - about everything?
Could you be happy with this for the years it will take him to pay off his debts?
Is this the rosy future you thought you would have?

hkm23

Funnily enough neither of us was actually looking for a relationship when we met - he has always said from the start he felt he wasn't ready and it had surprised him how he felt about me as he wasn't even sure he was capable of long anyone again. This is part of the reason why we both wanted to take things slowly, as we've both jumped in too quickly in the past with relationships.


I've asked myself the very same question - why do I love him. He even tells me he has no idea what I see in him as he has nothing to offer me and nothing to bring to the relationship. Yet I do love him. Despite everything he does have a good heart, and financially he is better off now than he was a year ago -and I hope in a years time he'll be better off still.


The debt he is in is not an issue for me- it is from before we met and the fines are for things he did before we met too. We all have a past, and some of it we are ashamed of and don't want to tell anyone about it. I get that. BUT in order to have an open relationship and a future, when debts/fines have got to the point he is in, I think you do need to tell your partner, so they know what they are getting involved in. He says it is his mess and it is for him to sort it out, and he says he needs to do this himself otherwise he will feel even more useless than he does now.


He doesn't seem to have an issue with me snooping, he told me months ago he had nothing to hide (which I now know wasn't true) and if I needed to look for something then to do it. Which I reminded him off at the weekend!


Does it bother me he can't pay for meals out or holidays? Not really. I earn nearly double what he does, so even if he was debt free I wouldn't expect him to contribute equally financially if I wanted to go out to a nice restaurant or go away. Instead he'll cook for me, or bake cakes etc, and he'll buy ice creams or fish and chips if we got out. If he continues paying off his debts, or applies for a DRO he won't always be in this state. I am in no rush, and if it takes another year or so to clear them, then so be it.


I only gave him money as I was there when the bailiffs turned up and he had to tell me a reason why they were after him- he wouldn't even have told me otherwise. To me I would be more concerned he was after my money if he left letters lying about knowing I'd see them in the hope I'd offer him money to clear them. Does this make sense?


If he does what I have asked him to do, and he has agreed to do, then yes, I think we could have future. He has said himself he wants to clear his debts before we move in together, which I would want too.


But if there are more lies and cover ups then it will be his loss as I have given him a final chance to come clean and level with me.

Errata

I honestly think you should leave him to get on with it. You're not his mummy, he's an adult male of some years and perfectly capable of organising his own life and finances - if he chooses to, which so far he hasn't.
How on earth can he afford ice cream and fish and chips when he has the bailiffs banging at the door?
If you love someone you let them use their wings, not do the flying for them.

Puddylove

You are just making excuses for him so that you don't have to abandon the dream of someone who loves you.

My father never once told me he loved me, but I was never in any doubt - his actions said it constantly.

My ex on the other hand was full of 'I love you, I'd be lost without you, I never thought I'd feel like this about someone,'. It was all utter !!!!!!!! of course, but oh so easy to say, and it keeps the 'victim' on side

He lied, he cheated, he bought himself nice stuff, he would borrow money off me constantly yet buy token gifts for me with some of my money (his friends would say I was so lucky, and didn't appreciate him when he did this, the fools).


The day I found the pics of him shagging prostitutes (he liked to document it) was the best day - I could finally get rid of the loser without feeling guilty at the crying, and 'I don't want to live without you' BS.

I'd been with him 12 or so years, it was 6 months after my dad died, and I'd just had a pet of 20 plus years PTS, and I still kicked him out.

You've only been with your loser 6 months....