How much to let slip for the sake of son having a family

Pollycat

Caleb11 wrote: »

I often laugh to myself at the replies to my threads on the MSE Forums. The majority of people are really nice but some people I just think intentionally comment for a reaction or to be really harsh and critical.

It makes me realise that there is often no need for such harsh responses. I'm a young mum trying to do the best for myself my son and my oh. I feel upset and unhappy at my current situation. I know for 100% fact I have not done anything wrong ;

No idea if you are referring to any replies in particular.
I don't speak for anyone else but I always reply based on the words that have been written - and have done so with your thread.

Strange that in your first post you refer to 'a nice life' but in your later posts you refer to your OH being mean with money:
1 flash car
Rolex
Possibly trying to get away with minimum maintenance.

Is this drip-feeding of information or justification?

FBaby

Caleb11 wrote: »

How exactly do I try to make him grow up then? I'm really at a loss as to how to do this?

By doing everything so he realises how lucky he is to have you and LO and that he could very much lose it all if he continues to take both of you and his family life for granted.

Caleb11

I just didn't see any need to use this information.

I have a nice life. I don't need to worry about money. But believe me I have been made known that this is HIS money and I should be grateful and I have had to ask permission to buy myself clothes. I didn't have a haircut for over a year. But I still had a nice car and house without worrying about money.

That's what I mean by nice life.

FBaby

Don't forget that in light of the stress and frustration, you and your OH, together and as individuals are doing extremely well considering your age. Well done on working so hard to build your career whilst devoting quality time to your child. You have tons of potential, and hopefully, you will be able to make it work when things are a bit more settled.

One advice I was given to me when things were a bit tough with OH is never to bring up difficult issues when you are feeling particularly resentful, frustrated and tired. Make just a little effort to settle things, and bring the issue up at this stage because ultimately, you will be discussing the same things, but it will come out totally differently depending on your mood at the time, and this in effect will reflect on how your OH responds to it. It's amazing how you can move forward with issues when they are not discussed in defensive mode.

Beckyy

Caleb11 wrote: »

. My fault entirely but he was well aware.

That sentance contradicts itself, contraception isn't just a woman's responsibility and he was just as capable of using an alternative measure so it isn't entirely your fault at all if he was aware of it.

You already sound like a strong and independent woman. If you separated would there be a job opportunity nearer to your home town? Are you able to evict tenants and move back into your old house, note you may have a legal entitlement to live there until LO is 18 (uncertain though, as it's currently rented out)?

Caleb11

Thank you . This thread had actually had me in floods of tears this morning.

From being referred to as "pain snail" and to being told how I am so unappreciative and how I will need to answer to my 16 year old as to why daddy left to implying that I'm a bad mum for wanting a career. It's really hurt me and got me doubting myself. I felt physically sick at how upset I was.

But I know there is only limited information that can be portrayed in this forum and some only gets released when there is reason to so it's difficult to get the full picture. So I've realised despite what others may think, in my situation I don't think I should be particularly appreciative to my OH if he doesn't provide anything emotionally to myself or my son.

Trust me I love this man. I want to be a family more than anything in the world. I have no doubt being a single mum would be difficult. And I most certainly would not be looking to replace OH with another man. Absolutely not. But what I do know is that I do not have sole responsibility and care for our son so I shouldn't be made to feel this way whilst he goes away working and acts in a way which I feel is disrespectful to me and my son. He can at least call us if he's able to go out til 6/7/8am drinking with friends.

Caleb11

Beckyy wrote: »

That sentance contradicts itself, contraception isn't just a woman's responsibility and he was just as capable of using an alternative measure so it isn't entirely your fault at all if he was aware of it.

You already sound like a strong and independent woman. If you separated would there be a job opportunity nearer to your home town? Are you able to evict tenants and move back into your old house, note you may have a legal entitlement to live there until LO is 18 (uncertain though, as it's currently rented out)?

Yes that's true actually, not entirely my fault, he knew the situation.

I could go home but I don't know if I would want to for the reason that
1) back home there are no jobs.
2) I have just got this new opportunity that I feel I could really do well in and really enjoy
3) if I move 500 miles away then my lo would rarely see his dad. If we lived nearby each other he would see hopefully a good amount of time.

victory

Caleb11 wrote: »

Yes that's true actually, not entirely my fault, he knew the situation.

I could go home but I don't know if I would want to for the reason that
1) back home there are no jobs.
2) I have just got this new opportunity that I feel I could really do well in and really enjoy
3) if I move 500 miles away then my lo would rarely see his dad. If we lived nearby each other he would see hopefully a good amount of time.

Say for an eg you do end up a single mum and split up you say you have a great job why would you have to go back home 500 miles away? Plenty of people no longer live together but do not go back home?

Caleb11

Yes that's what I meant sorry.

I wouldn't want to because of the job opportunities where I stay now and the fact that Lo could still have a relationship with his dad as this is where he would be living.

victory

Caleb11 wrote: »

Thank you . This thread had actually had me in floods of tears this morning.

From being referred to as "pain snail" and to being told how I am so unappreciative and how I will need to answer to my 16 year old as to why daddy left to implying that I'm a bad mum for wanting a career. It's really hurt me and got me doubting myself. I felt physically sick at how upset I was.

But I know there is only limited information that can be portrayed in this forum and some only gets released when there is reason to so it's difficult to get the full picture. So I've realised despite what others may think, in my situation I don't think I should be particularly appreciative to my OH if he doesn't provide anything emotionally to myself or my son.

Trust me I love this man. I want to be a family more than anything in the world. I have no doubt being a single mum would be difficult. And I most certainly would not be looking to replace OH with another man. Absolutely not. But what I do know is that I do not have sole responsibility and care for our son so I shouldn't be made to feel this way whilst he goes away working and acts in a way which I feel is disrespectful to me and my son. He can at least call us if he's able to go out til 6/7/8am drinking with friends.[/QUOTE

It has been said before but if anyone gets into the mindset of 'he did this, he did that' so therefore 'she did this and she did that' it never solves any problems within the relationship, it just brings all the negatives to the fore, like resentment, frustration, anger, dislike everything that is bad and useless in a loving, caring, sharing, relationship, if you feel bad, tell him, ask him to take son out on this date and no work to get in the middle, arrange a trip out that cannot be broken, when he comes home show him how hard it is for one person to look after lo.

Tell him you miss him, want to be with him, love him but you cannot do it all alone.