How much to let slip for the sake of son having a family

balletshoes

Caleb11 wrote: »

I'm not leaving him for going out with his mates. I would be leaving him because-
1. I feel disconnected from him. He works all the time and doesn't seem to be putting my son at the top of his priorities.
2. When he works away he lies and swore on my sons life.
has he done this before, or just the once?

3. I feel disrespected by him in the way he lied and then didn't take my concerns serious, discussing it in front of his work friends.

my tuppence worth - you don't want to be doing any of this over the phone. This is a face-to-face conversation, when you are together and have time to get it all out, both of you.

I am double your age, my OH and I are married and have been together for 15 years, we've had times when we've both been working in the same city but different shifts, we've had times when one of us hasn't been working at all, times when the work was scarce and the money was too, and right now, my OH's business is 500 miles away from our home. However, when he's home (usually once a month) he's home for about a week, so we have a lot of time together in that timeframe.

It can be very lonely when you're working and you have a little one and you are the primary care-giver. If you don't want the home life you have, and really can't see it getting any better with your OH, can I ask you this - how would it be better on your own?

Caleb11

I completely agree but then I hate to think i need to force my partner to take our child out for the day. It just annoys me so much.

I think in 3 years he's taken him to the park once by himself. And I asked him to so I could unpack boxes when we moved house.

Is it unreasonable that this !!!!es me off? Do I really have too high expectations.

And he is always on call for his work 80% of the time. So if I say to him not to let work get in the way, his reply is that he's on call and can't help it. He's only on call so much because he offered himself as his other workmates refused as they felt they worked too much.

So he took all the on call on. And more.

FBaby

how would it be better on your own?

I think it is better because you stop expecting and being disappointed. These feelings swaps all your mental energy and lead you to a feeling of numbness. At least when you get on with it by yourself, you know where you stand and you can then imagine a better future with someone who will make you feel like you are the most important thing in their life!

FBaby

Just something that has come to mind OP? Have you ever asked him directly if he misses his son and wishes he could spend more time with him? What's his answer to this?

theoretica

It sounds like he is rather a common type of young man to me. How many of his workmates of the same age have families? I wonder if he is living a similar life to them, but they are single. In other words he may lack good role models and is doing as the herd he runs with.

So, how to train him into growing up? You want him to change his priorities, which will be slow. I suggest you start with behaviour - and not expecting him to think of things. (Much like forcing yourself to go to the gym to start with and then become used to it and knowing how good you feel when you do.) So instead of starting with him wanting to call everyday when he is away try to get him to agree to do so but let it be just a quick goodnight to your son if that is all he wants and try to cultivate it into a habit.

Caleb11

balletshoes wrote: »

my tuppence worth - you don't want to be doing any of this over the phone. This is a face-to-face conversation, when you are together and have time to get it all out, both of you.

I am double your age, my OH and I are married and have been together for 15 years, we've had times when we've both been working in the same city but different shifts, we've had times when one of us hasn't been working at all, times when the work was scarce and the money was too, and right now, my OH's business is 500 miles away from our home. However, when he's home (usually once a month) he's home for about a week, so we have a lot of time together in that timeframe.

It can be very lonely when you're working and you have a little one and you are the primary care-giver. If you don't want the home life you have, and really can't see it getting any better with your OH, can I ask you this - how would it be better on your own?

How would it be better on my own?

Well because I wouldn't spend my Saturday off work upset becuase he's not called me or our son. I wouldn't feel constant disappointment from him not being interested emotionally in me or our son. His working arrangements wouldn't annoy me as he could work as much as he wanted and I'd still have the same responsibilities. And I'm 23 I feel like an old married couple I don't want that.

FBaby

Does he know you are actually considering walking away from the relationship?

Caleb11

FBaby wrote: »

Just something that has come to mind OP? Have you ever asked him directly if he misses his son and wishes he could spend more time with him? What's his answer to this?

I have had various responses from him.

When he was a baby he would say he missed him but knew he was fine and found it difficult to miss him as he was just a baby but knew that when he was older and able to interact a bit better it would improve.

Other times he says he does miss him and wishes he could spend more time with him.

But I know the additional work he does and all the travelling he does is optional. Yes it looks very very good for my oh to his boss but he still doesn't need to take it all on.

I know deep down he doesn't miss lo the way I do. Not saying it's wrong but if I'm apart from lo i think about him constantly. I call him as much as possible. I do get upset because I miss him terribly and doubt myself if I'm a good mum.

I know he doesn't do that. So I can't understand it.

Mojisola

Successful families work together as a team - roles can be divided up in whatever way suits the individuals but they all have to pull in the same direction.

Your OH is behaving like a single man - not a father and partner.

You need to lay out your feelings and see whether he is ready to be part of your family or not. If not, you'd be better off as a single parent.

Caleb11

FBaby wrote: »

Does he know you are actually considering walking away from the relationship?

Yes he knows. We have spoke a lot about it. He says he doesn't enjoy the relationship either.

I know deep down he would probably stay in the relationship regardless of if he was happy with me or not. He wouldn't initiate a break up I don't think but I don't think he'd fight it too much.

We have spoke and made action plans. Date nights, more time with our son, do the bedtime routine at the weekend etc but it often doesn't follow through or things come up and it stops.