How much to let slip for the sake of son having a family

Caleb11

Also, every single month he plays the story of how we can't afford this or that. Yet the next week suggests he's going to buy a Rolex.

JoW123

Caleb11 wrote: »

Yes maybe, or just a partner who chooses to spend £200 to travel home so he's there for his sons birthday instead of missing it becuase it's too much money. Yet working away apparently to get money. There is a lot more scenarios where his money and love of it has contradicted providing a nice family life.

When he moved away I was left to cope on my Uni bursary and he sent me £200 a month whilst he enjoyed his wage. Hardly providing a family now is it.

Do you think he'll provide for your son if you leave him? To be honest it doesn't sound like he wants a family

FBaby

Also, every single month he plays the story of how we can't afford this or that. Yet the next week suggests he's going to buy a Rolex.

So we are back to him not being ready to be a father, him becoming so when he didn't plan it and considering therefore that his life shouldn't have to change as a result.

No point resenting him for it, no point in critisizing everything that justifies the above. You know it, that's how it is. Concentrate your effort on trying to make him to grow up, or else, to move on. Whinging about and showing only resentment certainly is not going to make him change, on the opposite.

Caleb11

I think he would. He would probably fight to provide the very minimum but I don't know.

And that is why it is so important for me to have my own money so I can always provide for our son.

jayII

OP, I'd give it some time, try to put family/partner issues to the back of your mind and concentrate on enjoying your LO and building your career. Then, when your life and work is more settled, revisit the relationship issues.

Right now you have a lot going on, and a lot of pressures, due to your own blossoming career. Times like this are not usually good times to make life changing decisions--it's hard to think clearly when your head is full of new challenges and pressures.

Once your career has settled down and you're under less pressure overall, you may see the whole relationship issue differently. I suspect that, at that point, you'll know for certain what you want to do. It would be a huge shame if you leave now and regret it a few months later!

I'd try just forgetting your OH's immature behaviour for a while, concentrate on you and your LO, and enjoy your new career. I bet your OH will start calling you more if you don't call him often and if you sound offhand and relaxed when he calls you.

Caleb11

How exactly do I try to make him grow up then? I'm really at a loss as to how to do this?

JoW123

Caleb11 wrote: »

I know I will still be alone at the park.

But is it Better that I'm alone and happy with that fact or alone and annoyed at OH for disappointing us.

I used to have to take lo out every weekend myself when OH moved away. I coped much better with it as I knew I had to. But when you know you don't have to and you should/could be getting more help from OH as he's present and not simply physically unable to help, it hurts a lot more.

Yes I can understand that but what I'm trying to get you to understand is as a single parent you will still be out on your own and you'll still be sad because you will be wishing things had turned out differently!! I've been single parent for 5 years and I wouldn't advise anyone to split unless they have explored every avenue first. Being on your own is tough so you have to know it was literally the only answer to get you through it.

Caleb11

Yes what's true jay11. I think your advise is what I'll do.

Kayalana99

I would say that it's always better for two people to raise a child, but he isn't their is he? How much time does he spend with LO? (I have only read page 1 apologies)

I don't think either party is in the wrong, you both have different views on how life should be and it seems you are not getting a balance. My view would be to leave ~ not because of something he has done or said but purely because you two don't seem to be on the same page... he won't change who he is just as much as he can't make you see how important it is for him to have that flashy car or rolex.

You deserve to be happy, money isn't always the answer.

[Deleted User]

Dear OP, I feel for you and here is my take.

Relationship counselling will help. If your OH won't or can't go, go by yourself. Getting perspective will be valuable.

Stop comparing your situation to others. Those 'happy' families in the park may well have terrible stress and awful strains in their lives that you can't know about.

I'm now old enough to be your mother if I had my own children. Some men and women don't realise they are very lucky to have a child. You do, but maybe your OH doesn't? (yet) They are willing to put other things first and eventually they lose out on those precious happy times in the chase for more ££'s and 'fun'. You can't tell him this as it's something that he will only realise later.

In the meantime I'd suggest no rash moves, but build a life akin to a single mother parent in your new town, putting your LO first as you have been and taking steps to find your own contentment and self-worth and support. Then, maybe that is the time to re-evaluate your family life with your OH.

Your OH has a lot of growing up to do! So many British born men are stuck in permanent boyhood, having to have shiny new 'things' rather than growing into manhood. My husband is foreign and cannot fathom this tendency!

It comes down to this simple fact - I've learned from a failed previous marriage that we cannot make people act as we want or need. Their choice is their choice. We can only carry on acting in a responsible way and doing what we think is best, regardless of the others. Either a partner is in tune with it and we build and grow a life together on shared values or we do it alone. Counselling and calm discussion can help your OH to realise what your values are but only he can change his behaviour.

I wish you very well in your new job - is there a future option to go flexi- or part-time or jobshare?

Well done so far on bringing up a happy healthy little lad and good luck