How much to let slip for the sake of son having a family

Mojisola

justme111 wrote: »

Feel free to thank me if my words will make you see sense.

:rotfl::rotfl::rotfl:

Pollycat

Caleb11 wrote: »

What do you think my priorities are? What are you hinting at?

I would have thought it would have been obvious from the words in your post # 33 where you say you're deeply unhappy with Oh and are really worried this will affect your career.

I'd have thought you would be more worried about how your unhappiness would affect your life and your son's life, not your career.

That's what I meant by priorities.

Nothing at all to do with a woman wanting a career means she is bad, btw.

DKLS

Caleb11 wrote: »

I'm not leaving him for going out with his mates. I would be leaving him because-
1. I feel disconnected from him. He works all the time and doesn't seem to be putting my son at the top of his priorities.
2. When he works away he lies and swore on my sons life.
3. I feel disrespected by him in the way he lied and then didn't take my concerns serious, discussing it in front of his work friends.

1. Perhaps he fells his skills are better suited at this stage to providing for his family rather than being hands on
2. I work away and feel guilty if I go out and have enjoyed myself, it doesn't feel right with my wife not there hence I have told a number of white lies over the years. And swearing on a kids life means nothing its a saying often uttered by parents.
3. There is a whiff of pain snail about your posts and no doubt his colleagues will rib him about you, and as he was caught out by you he wanted to prove it was innocent

I suggest you need to cut each other some slack and communicate instead of planning to escape, perhaps when he is working agree to daily calls or skypes.

Caleb11

I won't divorce him because we aren't married.

And splitting from him won't make him spend anymore time with his child or care about him anymore. What it will do is stop me from settling with someone who cares for their child in this way. I believe I deserve better. Both me and my son. Money isn't everything but I see the value he places on myself and my son and it makes me unhappy. He values money more than us. That's the bottom line.

I didn't keep calling him.

I called him after he sent a message where it was apparent he was still drunk at 8am. This is after a week of getting no phone calls from him and finding out from my mum he has only phoned our son once.

I often laugh to myself at the replies to my threads on the MSE Forums. The majority of people are really nice but some people I just think intentionally comment for a reaction or to be really harsh and critical.

It makes me realise that there is often no need for such harsh responses. I'm a young mum trying to do the best for myself my son and my oh. I feel upset and unhappy at my current situation. I know for 100% fact I have not done anything wrong

God forbid I called my OH who I haven't seen in weeks asking why he can go out all night, lie about it, lie about who is at his door, when he can't call me or his son.

Beckyy

Caleb11 wrote: »

Our tenancy ends next month then we need to sign for another 12 months.

Are you sure you need to? Read your tenancy agreement, many will just go onto a rolling tenancy after the initial period. If so, you are under no obligation to sign for another 12 months.

JoW123

Caleb11 wrote: »

I won't divorce him because we aren't married.

And splitting from him won't make him spend anymore time with his child or care about him anymore. What it will do is stop me from settling with someone who cares for their child in this way. I believe I deserve better. Both me and my son. Money isn't everything but I see the value he places on myself and my son and it makes me unhappy. He values money more than us. That's the bottom line.

I didn't keep calling him.

I called him after he sent a message where it was apparent he was still drunk at 8am. This is after a week of getting no phone calls from him and finding out from my mum he has only phoned our son once.

I often laugh to myself at the replies to my threads on the MSE Forums. The majority of people are really nice but some people I just think intentionally comment for a reaction or to be really harsh and critical.

It makes me realise that there is often no need for such harsh responses. I'm a young mum trying to do the best for myself my son and my oh. I feel upset and unhappy at my current situation. I know for 100% fact I have not done anything wrong

God forbid I called my OH who I haven't seen in weeks asking why he can go out all night, lie about it, lie about who is at his door, when he can't call me or his son.

What do you mean when you say you deserve better?? Are you expecting to leave your partner and find another man who fills all the gaps? Because if that's the case you need to have a long hard look at what being a single parent will actually be like. Your life will be even more restricted than you feel it is now. You may be cross and angry now, and we can all say yes your partner is unreasonable or no he isn't, but it doesn't matter what we think really. You have to decide what you are prepared to compromise over and then sit him down, talk to him, and plan a way forward. If he listens and plans things with you then work on it. If he doesn't then you may well have to think about splitting up, but you're not there yet!

FBaby

The problem in your relationship is that you just had a child at the wrong time. You said that he is loved, and I don't have a doubt that he is, but whereas you seem to have taken on the responsibility that comes with being a parent, your OH hasn't. I think you know that and resent him for it. Maybe he feels that you took the decision to fall pregnant when it happened and therefore sees it as your responsibility. He wants to continue with the goals he set for himself and is not prepared to compromise them to be a family man.

I don't really know how to force him to change his desires for the future.

Unfortunately, you can't and very sadly, there is a high possibility that he won't appreciate what he's got until he lost it. It is such a common symptoms amongst those hard working. It makes them feel good about themselves, and assume that those who love them feel the same. When they face some moments of guilt, they justify it by convincing themselves that they are providing a nice lifestyle that those who love them should be grateful for.

What they don't appreciate is that couples and families are not much different to jobs, they grow better and quickly the more you invest in them. You say you already feel remote from him. Of course you do, you have to build a routine for yourself and your son which your partner isn't there to share.

You seem to be able to communicate quite well, so I would suggest is to make him realise how his absence is affecting you and your son, not because you are jealous, not because you expect his time and attention, just because you have no choice but to build your life as it is, and that is with him so little included in it so that this is becoming the norm. You are still at the stage where you miss him and want him to be part of that life, but if he doesn't respond to it soon, you will learn to accept it and not mind it without him.

Caleb11

No not at all. I know how difficult it will be. He moved away for a year with his job and I coped alone as a single parent. I know how difficult it is but I was happy then because it was constantly my looking after lo, just as it is now, but without the disappointment of oh seemingly not being interested in spending time with us.

We will plan days out as a family now and then he will start working and say he can't come. Or if he does come he will, for example, go in for a bath 15 minutes before we are supposed to leave and stay there for an hour as apparently he needs to chill out.

This is just really disappointing all the time. I see other families at the parks or soft play that I go to with lo and I feel sad that his dad doesn't want to do those things. At least as a single parent I won't feel constantly let down and sad.

Caleb11

And I do feel resentful that's true. He lives his life with almost zero responsibility for his child. Except financially of course. I do resent that. I hate how he has got the opportunity to have his career with my help yet he doesn't appreciate that, I feel.

Also I willingly moved 500 miles away from all my family so we could be a family. Unfortunately I spend more time alone with lo than I ever did. So it makes me upset.

FBaby

You say the child wasn't planned, but how did he came about? I am wondering whether deep inside, although he loves his son and likes his presence when it suits him, he considers that he is not responsible for him being in his life and therefore that he hold no duty to give up his professional dream for him.