How much to let slip for the sake of son having a family

theoretica

Have you considered couple's counselling? You might find talking it through together in a dedicated time and space helps both of you become clearer in your own minds.
http://www.relate.org.uk/relationship-help/help-relationships/relationship-counselling

Horseunderwater

Perhaps he works such long days because he feels too young to be a parent as I think do you, but it happened & it is now time to sit down together & talk to each other. Do you love him? Does he love you? If it's yes/yes communicate & arrange to each go out with mates or have a meal together on a regular basis. It can be done. Relationships take work, especially in the early years, but once you get there the joys can be rewarding for all. TALK.

Carl31

sounds to me you are both doing what you assume is right, based on other peoples ideals, and not what is right for you


Whats the point of a good job/money if you have no one to share it with? Obviously working hard to get a career is admirable and a great achievement, but work to live, not live to work imo


Along with many others, I have worked hard to get a good career and salary to provide a good life for my family, but would I put it before them, hell no, id rather be poor and bored

fabforty

Beckyy wrote: »

A child is better to be brought up with 1 loving parent that be with both in an unhappy environment, this could be far more detrimental IMO.

I think you need to sit down and talk with your OH, if you feel able to. Maybe once your course is finished could you both set aside some time to be a family, or maybe have a holiday away? Let him know how you're feeling and if things don't change then you know the answer to your question.

This ^^^^^.


Plus (for me) swearing on your child's life - even if you are telling the truth - is an absolute no-no.

DUTR

Carl31 wrote: »

sounds to me you are both doing what you assume is right, based on other peoples ideals, and not what is right for you


Whats the point of a good job/money if you have no one to share it with? Obviously working hard to get a career is admirable and a great achievement, but work to live, not live to work imo


Along with many others, I have worked hard to get a good career and salary to provide a good life for my family, but would I put it before them, hell no, id rather be poor and bored

You raise some good points Carl,
When I was younger I would grab all the earning opportunities I could.
At the same time, I couldn't imagine a lifesyle of waiting for red reminders and unable to pay bills or have and give a few treats occasionally.
The OP and her partner are post grads and I hope they are 'laughing' in years to come with having a stable and comfortable even enviable lifestyle.

Caleb11

I REALLY appreciate the huge response I've had. It helps to speak to people even if it is strangers as they can give a very unbiased view. I guess at 23 I'm just very upset that my relationship had became like this. I want to be in love and in a relationship with someone who wants to be with me and my son and priorities this over other things. Since he moved away we've had many many disagreements and we seem to be drifting apart. I guess when he is caught lying this morning and very disinterested in reassuring me- ie putting me in loud speaker and discussing our relationship issues in front of his colleagues- It makes me question if I should just end this. I care about him lots but I don't want to be stuck in a relationship because I'm in a new location with a child. I don't feel much connection with him anymore. This definitely isn't a feeling as a result of the issue this morning but rather a gradual feeling when I feel when is it time to quit. As for his working hours and whether these will get less- no I don't think they will. Not for the foreseeable future anyway. When he took the job he sold it to me as a 9-5 home at weekends where as before it was shift work. Also when he moved away he sold it as home every weekend or every second. In reality it was once a month for two days. It has just affected our relationship. I'm sad about it but I'm probably sadder that every weekend I take my lo out to the park alone whilst he works over time etc. we aren't married btw, I just put OH in habit rather than BF (boyfriend)

sulkisu

fabforty wrote: »

This ^^^^^.


Plus (for me) swearing on your child's life - even if you are telling the truth - is an absolute no-no.

Yes, it makes me cringe too!
OP I wouldn't be too concerned about him going out one night but I would be upset about his apparent inability to call/text you or your son. Perhaps it is just different with some parents, where as long as they know that all is well, they don't feel the need to phone. Putting you on loud speaker and discussing it with everyone else listening in is unforgiveable, disrespectful and immature.

Pollycat

Could I please ask that you try to post with paragraph breaks in as a wodge of text can be hard to read. Thanks

Caleb11 wrote: »

Thanks for your replies. We have talked a lot about our relationship and where it is going. He is very focused on work and money where as I am less focused on that and more on a happy work life balance. This is mostly where the disagreements come. Oh offers himself for overtime at every given opportunity. I moved 500 miles away from my family and friends, he's the only person I have in my new location yet he works 3 out of 4 weekends so I feel very alone.

OK, you may have talked about your relationship but have you agreed a compromise that suits you both?
Have either of you or both said you'll try to change things?

Caleb11 wrote: »

And I have explained to him that this is all nice but not at the expense of having family time. Bearing in mind he moved away and I cared for our son alone whilst completing a degree, I also think I have helped him acquire his financial position and work status.

So what does he say when you've finished explaining all this to you?
Does he say 'I know, I agree, I'll change'?

Caleb11 wrote: »

with regards to cheating, obviously I cannot be 100% sure but I could not imagine him being unfaithful. To me he doesn't come across as someone who would cheat but I'd never know. I also don't see him as someone who would swear on his childs life and lie. This then makes me doubt my trust in him. He knows all this. I do speak to him. also I completely understand why he has gotten drunk after a hard week. I'm not criticising him
For this. What I am annoyed about is why can't you call or text me or his son yet he can go out all night.

What did he say when you asked him this as a direct question?

Caleb11 wrote: »

I would mention that I wasn't very impressed especially when I found out through a text with his work mate that I seen that they had drugs involved. In a foreign country and simply as an apparent grown up not a stupid teenager, I was upset and did show my anger to him. This has maybe caused him to lie on this occasion but it doesn't excuse it. I'm just getting a bit fed up now. I want us both to work hard, which we are both prepared to do, but I don't want to be dealing with this on my day off when I'm missing both my son and him. I'm very confused.

Whoa!
That's a different kettle of fish (imho) to going out and getting drunk.
How exactly did you find out by text?
Did you check his phone or did his workmate tell you?

TBH, you're coming across like a lot of posters who are having relationship issues.

You say you've talked but there is no evidence in your posts that you've reached some kind of resolution to the issue.

Carl31

Pollycat wrote: »

Whoa!
That's a different kettle of fish (imho) to going out and getting drunk.

Not really, ignoring the legal aspect for a while, many people consider this a normal part of going out


It doesn't make him a crack addict, or on the road to ruin

Caleb11

Sorry, I'm on my phone so i struggle to set it out in the best way..

He acknowledges that he is obsessed with work and money but that as his parents both died at a young age he feels a need to establish himself and have his own money and savings as a back up. This is understandable and I can't really disagree but I am quite the opposite. I enjoy having a car and a nice house but I don't constantly need to upgrade this etc. he also accepts this but I guess we just accept that we differ in our aims? I don't really know how to force him to change his desires for the future. How can I make him be happy with our current situation when he constantly wants more? He does say he'll try to change and stop being so obsessed with wanting more and more but deep down that's who he is, apparently from a young age he was like this. And in a way I do like it as it provides security for my son in the future but on the other hand he sacrifices a lot of time and a relationship with my son so it does upset me.

When I asked him about calling me son he said he was sorry but he's been so busy. I said that he could skype him right now and he replied that he was hungover. I said that is why he should make sure he isn't hungover so he is able to speak to our son, looking back it's only a phonecall, so what if your hungover. I think it was more to do with he had all his work colleagues in his room and was more focused on having fun with them.

I didn't check his phone to find out about the drugs. It was a message I seen whilst he was texting. He then denied it and lied (again) and said he wasn't involved. Finally he admitted he was.

That was when I told him I was unhappy and if he were to travel again I don't want him drinking to the same extent or for any drugs to be involved. Obviously this is why he's lied. He agreed at the time not to drink and stay out all night. He said he'd only have a few drinks but would try to avoid it as he was trying to loose weight.