How much to let slip for the sake of son having a family

Caleb11

My oh and I have been together for almost 6 years. We have a lo who is almost 3. I'm feeling a but trapped and need an outside perspective. The way I have been feeling over the last year or so, if I didn't have lo I would have ended the relationship.

So last year oh got a promotion and took the job 500 miles away. I hadn't finished Uni yet so I stayed in our house which we bought together whilst he moved away. He came home roughly once a month. Our relationship deteriorated somewhat during this time as he was so focused on work and I felt not so much on me and my lo. As a result he now earns a lot of money, enough that I don't need to work and we could live a nice life. But I'm only 23 and have my degree so I desperately do want to work.

So I moved down in May, 500 miles away from our bought house and we rent a house whilst we rent our bought one out. I found a new graduate job in the area and I started 3 weeks ago. On paper everyhing is perfect but I am really unhappy with our relationship. I feel oh is so focused on his work and me and lo come waaaay down on the priority list.

This morning has just really got me thinking. Should I get out or let this slip for the sake of my lo having both parents together.

The situation is... I have two weeks of training to do about 80 miles away and oh had to go and travel with his work for two weeks. So my lo went up to our old country where all my family lives for two weeks whilst I completed my training as I had to go and stay in a hotel and oh was away. I've been really upset about this. Calling him every night and feeling generally down at being away. Oh on the other hand as called him once and only texted me. when I question him he says he's been working 15 hours a day and has been so busy but he's very sorry and loves me.

so this morning I text him (Saturday so he's not working) and his reply is very confusing. I guessed he may be drunk and called him. On the phone he said he had been out last night and came home at 3am (this was now 8am when I was speaking to him). I hear voices in his hotel room but he denies anyone is in the room. the hotel door then gets knocked on and he pretends it's a bad signal and hangs up. I call back immediately and he says it was a bad line and no one was at the door and then swears on my sons life he's telling the truth. I knew he was lieing and he finally admitted it. He then phoned me and put me on loud speaker in the room whilst all his work mates are there (which I didn't know at the time) and I'm really upset. He then admits he's not been to sleep and didn't actually get in until 6/7am.

This is someone who I trust almost with my life that he wouldn't cheat on me. He said the reason he lied is because he knows I'd be upset he was out to that time, which I am especially as he's hardly called me or his son and I'm in a new job and his son is far away from his mummy and daddy right now.

Im now thinking I'm being treated like a fool and I need out of this relationship. Before he left we weren't really on the best terms and there was some distance between us. But it would be so easy to let this slip and continue with our life together when he returns next week. If I split up we ruin Los family, I need to find a place to rent in a strange location with the only support being my would be ex- oh. I would struggle financially and would have to sacrifice a lot where right now money isn't a worry as oh earns a lot. All my family love oh and I have some family coming to visit in two weeks time.

I have no idea what to do. I'm feeling very trapped and disrespected by my oh. Sorry if this is just a ramble but I was wondering if anyone has any advise. Thanks.

DUTR

There is a lot there to digest, some information not really necessary.
A relationship is an indivdual thing and it's not one hat fits all.
The good thing is that you are both working and not precariats or working poor.
The debate will go on, of if it's better for children to grow with both parents or not? Likewise there is the debate does Mum always know best?
Persoanlly I think you shuld be discussing with your partner (but I'd also suggest not turning it into a win lose discussion).
Good Luck.

persa

It sounds like you're both trying to forge a career, which is hard. On top of that, travelling, not with each other, not with your LO - you're bound to be feeling emotional.

With a graduate scheme, you normally have to make sacrifices, but only for a few years. Your OH is really putting the hours in - how permanent is that situation? And can you live with that?

Maybe your OH went out drinking because that was his way of coping with being away. Maybe he didn't call so much because he was too busy with work, or was trying to compartmentalise his work from his family life. Maybe he's just a git.

But you need to talk about your feelings and your work-life balance when you're both at home. It sounds like there are going to be more sacrifices and compromises than either of you foresaw. Don't make any rash decisions. Talk.

FBaby

So he on one occasion parties all night as he is away, but wouldn't tell you so because he knew you would be upset? He didn't cheat did he? In a way, it is sad that he feels he has to lie about one night of partying when he is away with work colleagues.

It sounds like mutual misunderstanding. He on one hand seem to be taking you and LO for granted. He works very hard, puts all his efforts and energy into it, and probably assumes that you should be grateful if he can offer you the lifestyle you get.

You probably don't fully appreciate that he is indeed working very hard, in a stressful role, working over time and that if he is doing so well, it is thanks to his dedication to his job.

If you want to save your relationship, you will need to meet half way in terms of understanding and respecting each other's position. Do you really understand what his job entails, what would the consequences if he gave less time to it? Is it expected to be like this for years to come?

He needs to appreciate that he has a family and they need him, that if you don't look after those you love and who love you, they will felter and end up not needing you any longer. One day, he might wake up, realising that money and power is not everything and that he has lost what is most precious in life.

sulphate

I agree with Fbaby, it sounds like you both take each other for granted.

You say that he doesn't appreciate you, but do you appreciate him?

victory

Caleb11 wrote: »

My oh and I have been together for almost 6 years. We have a lo who is almost 3. I'm feeling a but trapped and need an outside perspective. The way I have been feeling over the last year or so, if I didn't have lo I would have ended the relationship.

So last year oh got a promotion and took the job 500 miles away. I hadn't finished Uni yet so I stayed in our house which we bought together whilst he moved away. He came home roughly once a month. Our relationship deteriorated somewhat during this time as he was so focused on work and I felt not so much on me and my lo. As a result he now earns a lot of money, enough that I don't need to work and we could live a nice life. But I'm only 23 and have my degree so I desperately do want to work.

So I moved down in May, 500 miles away from our bought house and we rent a house whilst we rent our bought one out. I found a new graduate job in the area and I started 3 weeks ago. On paper everyhing is perfect but I am really unhappy with our relationship. I feel oh is so focused on his work and me and lo come waaaay down on the priority list.

This morning has just really got me thinking. Should I get out or let this slip for the sake of my lo having both parents together.

The situation is... I have two weeks of training to do about 80 miles away and oh had to go and travel with his work for two weeks. So my lo went up to our old country where all my family lives for two weeks whilst I completed my training as I had to go and stay in a hotel and oh was away. I've been really upset about this. Calling him every night and feeling generally down at being away. Oh on the other hand as called him once and only texted me. when I question him he says he's been working 15 hours a day and has been so busy but he's very sorry and loves me.

so this morning I text him (Saturday so he's not working) and his reply is very confusing. I guessed he may be drunk and called him. On the phone he said he had been out last night and came home at 3am (this was now 8am when I was speaking to him). I hear voices in his hotel room but he denies anyone is in the room. the hotel door then gets knocked on and he pretends it's a bad signal and hangs up. I call back immediately and he says it was a bad line and no one was at the door and then swears on my sons life he's telling the truth. I knew he was lieing and he finally admitted it. He then phoned me and put me on loud speaker in the room whilst all his work mates are there (which I didn't know at the time) and I'm really upset. He then admits he's not been to sleep and didn't actually get in until 6/7am.

This is someone who I trust almost with my life that he wouldn't cheat on me. He said the reason he lied is because he knows I'd be upset he was out to that time, which I am especially as he's hardly called me or his son and I'm in a new job and his son is far away from his mummy and daddy right now.

Im now thinking I'm being treated like a fool and I need out of this relationship. Before he left we weren't really on the best terms and there was some distance between us. But it would be so easy to let this slip and continue with our life together when he returns next week. If I split up we ruin Los family, I need to find a place to rent in a strange location with the only support being my would be ex- oh. I would struggle financially and would have to sacrifice a lot where right now money isn't a worry as oh earns a lot. All my family love oh and I have some family coming to visit in two weeks time.

I have no idea what to do. I'm feeling very trapped and disrespected by my oh. Sorry if this is just a ramble but I was wondering if anyone has any advise. Thanks.

He went out to have fun or let off steam, he's under pressure, he's finding it hard and sometimes unbearable as you are, he never expected to have to pit in such long hours as you didn't. He is stressed, finding it harder to cope than he thought as you are.

To get where you both want to get there is going to be sacrifices on both parts but if you are both on the same page they are not unsurmountable, many couples at the beginning of their relationship have to make sacrifices to establish their careers.

Talk talk and more talk. If you both know you are there for each other, that this will be easier say come next year, that it's all for the good of your family, that you are working together to get to the same goal, you can handle it.

barbarawright

What's a LO?

persa

barbarawright wrote: »

What's a LO?

Little one, i.e. child.

Pollycat

Caleb11 wrote: »

This morning has just really got me thinking. Should I get out or let this slip for the sake of my lo having both parents together.

This stood out to me.

It's clear that you're not happy (let's disregard the incident in his hotel room for the moment) but have you even talked to him about how you're feeling?

To even consider leaving without trying to talk through your relationship is - to me - crazy.

Caleb11 wrote: »

If I split up we ruin Los family,

If a relationship is over then I do not think that anyone should continue in a relationship for the sake of any children.
If you stay together - unhappily - you both stand a very good chance of ruining 'LO's' family.

Re the incident in the hotel room, I can understand why you feel aggrieved but you say you 'trust almost with your life that he wouldn't cheat on you'.
If he hasn't cheated, maybe you should ask yourself why he feels he needs to let off steam with a late night out.

I think the first thing you both should do is to have a very serious, honest talk about how you feel, what your aspirations for the future are and how you can make things better - assuming you both want to.

Beckyy

A child is better to be brought up with 1 loving parent that be with both in an unhappy environment, this could be far more detrimental IMO.

I think you need to sit down and talk with your OH, if you feel able to. Maybe once your course is finished could you both set aside some time to be a family, or maybe have a holiday away? Let him know how you're feeling and if things don't change then you know the answer to your question.

Caleb11

Thanks for your replies. We have talked a lot about our relationship and where it is going. He is very focused on work and money where as I am less focused on that and more on a happy work life balance. This is mostly where the disagreements come. Oh offers himself for overtime at every given opportunity. I moved 500 miles away from my family and friends, he's the only person I have in my new location yet he works 3 out of 4 weekends so I feel very alone. I know he works hard and I fully appreciate that. He loves his work though and would probably be doing It as a hobby even if it wasn't a job so whilst I appreciate him I think he's very lucky. He continually wants to impress his boss and earn more money, buy another house, more cars ect. And I have explained to him that this is all nice but not at the expense of having family time. Bearing in mind he moved away and I cared for our son alone whilst completing a degree, I also think I have helped him acquire his financial position and work status.

with regards to cheating, obviously I cannot be 100% sure but I could not imagine him being unfaithful. To me he doesn't come across as someone who would cheat but I'd never know. I also don't see him as someone who would swear on his childs life and lie. This then makes me doubt my trust in him. He knows all this. I do speak to him. also I completely understand why he has gotten drunk after a hard week. I'm not criticising him
For this. What I am annoyed about is why can't you call or text me or his son yet he can go out all night. Previously when he had to travel the same thing would happen, not to this extent but just drinking excessively. I would mention that I wasn't very impressed especially when I found out through a text with his work mate that I seen that they had drugs involved. In a foreign country and simply as an apparent grown up not a stupid teenager, I was upset and did show my anger to him. This has maybe caused him to lie on this occasion but it doesn't excuse it. I'm just getting a bit fed up now. I want us both to work hard, which we are both prepared to do, but I don't want to be dealing with this on my day off when I'm missing both my son and him. I'm very confused.