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Husband is a very Private person. I like to share my emotions. Marraige problems

edited 28 February 2012 at 12:35PM in Marriage, Relationships & Families
45 replies 5.9K views
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  • elvis86elvis86 Forumite
    1.4K posts
    Misspiggy wrote: »
    In fact, reading through all the posts again, I'm beginning to realise that actually, my husband is'nt the one who is unreasonable here. I'm truly beginning to get a sense of how wronged he feels. Putting aside my own relationship with my siblings and parents, I am the one in the wrong.

    I would encourage you not to beat yourself up, from what I've read I don't think you've behaved badly or unreasonably. You perhaps need to work on communicating with your OH and asserting yourself rather than going off an whining to other people, but all you did was trust people that you should be able to trust. It's not your fault your mum and sister are a pair of b!tches who betrayed your confidence.

    Unless there's a lot more to the story RE your OH wanting his mum to visit in secret(?!), it sounds like he's overreacted. He can't begrudge you wanting someone outside the marriage to speak to sometimes. Most people need that. Whether or not he feels the need to have a confidante, if you do then you're entitled to and he shouldn't object to that.
  • victoryvictory Forumite
    16.2K posts
    Misspiggy wrote: »
    And now here I am, a product of that dysfunctional family.

    In fact, reading through all the posts again, I'm beginning to realise that actually, my husband is'nt the one who is unreasonable here. I'm truly beginning to get a sense of how wronged he feels. Putting aside my own relationship with my siblings and parents, I am the one in the wrong.

    As for siblings and parents. I think I'll go for the venting on paper and writing down my feelings before picking up the phone approach.

    Thank you everyone

    I wouldn't run yourself down like this, it is not productive, you cannot change your family by what you say but you can give them less money, less time and get back what you want for you, put you first.

    You could try counselling to deal with all the aftermath of having a dysfunctional family as you say, it is good to talk and to a professional that can help you understand and accept your past but move to the present and future in a better frame of mind.

    You do not owe your family anything, they have no right to demand after the way they have treated you , you cannot buy their love or over compensate by being the best you can be to them for them to see you in a different light, if they have chosen to see you in this way that is their choice but you can change you you can make it better for you with or without them.

    You can shine, become stornger and more able to cope with them, acceptance is a great thing, if you can get to thatl level in your life with regards your family you will be a lot happier and able to deal with life a lot better.
    Misspiggy wrote: »
    I'm sure you're an angel in disguise Victory :)
  • victory wrote: »
    I wouldn't run yourself down like this, it is not productive, you cannot change your family by what you say but you can give them less money, less time and get back what you want for you, put you first.

    You could try counselling to deal with all the aftermath of having a dysfunctional family as you say, it is good to talk and to a professional that can help you understand and accept your past but move to the present and future in a better frame of mind.

    You do not owe your family anything, they have no right to demand after the way they have treated you , you cannot buy their love or over compensate by being the best you can be to them for them to see you in a different light, if they have chosen to see you in this way that is their choice but you can change you you can make it better for you with or without them.

    You can shine, become stornger and more able to cope with them, acceptance is a great thing, if you can get to thatl level in your life with regards your family you will be a lot happier and able to deal with life a lot better.

    I'm sure you're an angel in disguise Victory :) Thank you for your encouraging words. I guess I have been trying to prove to my family that I am worth their love and affection and you're soo right, love cannot be bought. I had never even considered that this was something that I was doing without thinking about it, but it now makes soo much sense to me. I was trying to include them in my life, but it seems that they've just been trying to push me away. I need to accept things as they are and move on.
  • Hmm. Alarm bells always flash when you say you have no one else to confide in. Friends are essential - individually, and as a couple. Your friends should be people who reflect your values - can you find some like minded people?

    It sounds like your sister and mum are gossip mongers - but then having a hormonal rant to your sister is hardly crime of the century. I might say that in hindsight, "i wish i hadn't", but i would expect Mr. Conway to understand.

    If i'm annoyed at Mr. Conway, he knows about it, and we discuss it to find a solution. Never let things fester... Fortunately, we have little to disagree on. I think Mr. Conway would be upset if i didn't speak to him first before confiding in a third party.

    Does your husband make it difficult for you to make friends in any way? Does he stop you from going out alone ever? Just wondering as the "mother moving in" argument seemed to be an odd thing that was desperately private to him. It's like he wants to control how your relationship is perceived externally, which is a warning sign.

    Good luck!
  • CH27CH27 Forumite
    5.5K posts
    TheConways wrote: »
    Hmm. Alarm bells always flash when you say you have no one else to confide in. Friends are essential - individually, and as a couple. Your friends should be people who reflect your values - can you find some like minded people?

    It sounds like your sister and mum are gossip mongers - but then having a hormonal rant to your sister is hardly crime of the century. I might say that in hindsight, "i wish i hadn't", but i would expect Mr. Conway to understand.

    If i'm annoyed at Mr. Conway, he knows about it, and we discuss it to find a solution. Never let things fester... Fortunately, we have little to disagree on. I think Mr. Conway would be upset if i didn't speak to him first before confiding in a third party.

    Does your husband make it difficult for you to make friends in any way? Does he stop you from going out alone ever? Just wondering as the "mother moving in" argument seemed to be an odd thing that was desperately private to him. It's like he wants to control how your relationship is perceived externally, which is a warning sign.

    Good luck!

    I read that bit differently to you I think.

    Her OH is peeed off because she moaned to her family rather than talking to him.
    Her family then blabbed to her OH's brother.
    I'm not surprised he is peed off.

    Imagine how his mother would have felt if it had been relayed to her?
    Try to be a rainbow in someone's cloud.
  • elvis86elvis86 Forumite
    1.4K posts
    CH27 wrote: »
    I read that bit differently to you I think.

    Her OH is peeed off because she moaned to her family rather than talking to him.
    Her family then blabbed to her OH's brother.
    I'm not surprised he is peed off.

    Imagine how his mother would have felt if it had been relayed to her?

    The OP did actually say that it was some kind of secret that "got out" 4 years ago, and that she's only recently admitted to her OH that she told her mum who told her sister who told her husband who told the OP's OH's brother (or something like that).

    So she did suggest that the OH's idea of his mother moving in was some kind of secret, rather than it being a case of him simply being annoyed that the OP complained about the idea to other people.

    As an aside, even if the OP had spoken to her husband first and then still confided in her mum that she wasn't happy about the idea of her MIL moving in, I don't think it would be unreasonable of her to expect her mum not to tell her sister, who then tells her husband etc... and certainly you would hope that everyone involved would have the good manners and basic common sense not to relay it to the MIL!
  • victoryvictory Forumite
    16.2K posts
    Misspiggy wrote: »
    I'm sure you're an angel in disguise Victory :) Thank you for your encouraging words. I guess I have been trying to prove to my family that I am worth their love and affection and you're soo right, love cannot be bought. I had never even considered that this was something that I was doing without thinking about it, but it now makes soo much sense to me. I was trying to include them in my life, but it seems that they've just been trying to push me away. I need to accept things as they are and move on.

    You as an individual are worthy of love, the best in life, you deserve it, it is for you to take and recieve but with family you cannot make them into something they are not, if they choose to behave as they have done towards you the only thing you can do is get some counselling to accept them as they are and accept they are who they are and accept they treat you as they do, it makes you a calmer, happier person that is content with their lot rather than always reaching for the inobtainable.

    If reasoning, understanding, talking, asking, analyzing, hoping, wishing, thinking about it, trying to change it, trying to over compensate from their lacking has not change it and made your family a closer less dysfunctional one then you have to take a step back and look out for yourself and make your life with your OH the very best it can be.:D
    Misspiggy wrote: »
    I'm sure you're an angel in disguise Victory :)
  • Why do you want anything to do with your family? They sound vile. If I were you, I'd have cut ties (and probably their throats!) a long time ago.
  • edited 28 February 2012 at 7:20PM
    Sambucus_NigraSambucus_Nigra Forumite
    8.7K posts
    ✭✭✭✭
    edited 28 February 2012 at 7:20PM
    Misspiggy wrote: »

    The current fall out is over something which I have only just admitted to telling my sister (this happened 4 years ago). He asked me to keep something a secret. Well, I confided in my sister (God only knows why!!). She 'confided' to her husband who then proceeded to tell my husband's brother. My husband's always been baffled how it got out, until this weekend, when I admitted it was me.

    So - he won't let YOU confide in someone - however he MUST have confided in someone else about this - otherwise, there would only be one leak - and that would have been you.

    So, I'd be asking, if he only just found out it was you - who else did he think it was for 4 years?

    And - seriously - is this really enough of an issue to be rowing about 4 years later? It's not like you have told everyone that he is rubbish in bed - you expressed an opinion about a situation that you are actively part of - so why are you not allowed an opinion on the matter?
    If you haven't got it - please don't flaunt it. TIA.
  • I`m curious what`s these things you`re not meant to share with others - if its trivial daily gossip and chit chat I would be very worried why it`s not 'allowed' to share, as controlling goes this can be the very ugliest in separating one from normality and making vulnerable.

    I would be dead without my best friend who I always ring up and moan at, but she would be dead if word would come out !
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